it's coming.

november 21, 2008

what to do during the writer's strike...

... a list by gabrielle walz.


this may seem like a simple list, but beneath the plainess (is that a word?) lie some really good suggestions. i know i personally am struggling (spell check?) without new episodes of the office and 30 rock, and i am already pouting that there will only be 8 new episodes of LOST. so here is what i've been doing to stay busy/ pass the time. hopefully you all find some good suggestions in my sad, lonely life. :)

1. read. lately i have been re-reading all of the harry potters, which i love so much. i am on the chamber of secrets which, for the three of you who have never read the potter books, is the second one. they get better everytime. some other favorites from my personal book club are: the center of everything (LAURA MORIARTY), the year of secret assignments (JACLYN MORIARTY), and sloppy firsts (MEGAN MCCAFFERTY). i honestly could read those over and over again, and i have.

2. embrace your inner reality t.v. star. i know, i hate reality t.v. as much as the next normal person, but it is so addicting, and believe it or not, there are some pretty good shows out there. my personal favorites are project runway (BRAVO, WEDNESDAY), real world/road rules challenge: the gauntlet III (MTV, WEDNESDAY), and of course, american idol. i am not ashamed to say i watch that show. come on, who can resist simon's nipples in those tight, white t-shirts? i think i've made my case.

3. t.v. on dvd.... perhaps the best invention since tivo. i'm actually not sure which came first. shows that used to capture our attention from week to week can now be enjoyed day to day, hour to hour, or in some cases, half hour to half hour. we no longer are slaves to commercials and cliffhangers, we are free to watch when we want, what we want, and how we want. recently i have been resurrecting classic t.v. gems like arrested development, my so-called life, buffy the vampire slayer, and stella. i look forward to the afternoons and evenings i can spend watching my favorite t.v. shows, filled with my favorite one-liners, and star-crossed love affairs (buffy and angel, angela chase and jordan catalano, maybe even a little zak morris/kelly kapowski action, depending on how desperate i am). and of course, we always have the current "faves". catch up on/rekindle our favorite office romances with seasons 1-3 of the office (how cute is it that jim knows pam loves mixed berries?)... analyze past episodes of LOST (can desmond really see the future? what's with the black cloud? and who is jacob?)... learn the lyrics to all of the flight of the conchord songs ("business time" is a favorite of mine)... and watch as liz lemon (tina fey) tries ever so hilariously to balance her career with her personal life (or lack thereof) all while trying to please her overbearing, too-close-for-comfort boss (alec baldwin) and her staff of demanding, heckling writers on 30 rock. definately some must see t.v.

4. excercise. hahahahahahahahah are you kidding me? with all these good re-runs and reality t.v. to watch i simply can't find the time to get off the couch. unless it's to grab another evian.



don't get me wrong, a healthy dose of reality t.v. doesn't bother me, and i really have enjoyed LOL-ing my way through the week with dvds, but i really truly hope this strike is resolved soon. not only have i already lost a season of my favorite shows (a season i can never get back, mind you), but what these writers are asking for is well deserved and reasonable. these people are trying to make a living, they're just asking to receive a percentage of the sales from the product that contains their work. if we're not watching, they're not working. and in my opinion, it's important for both to be happening.


thanks for reading,
gabrielle.



p.s. this post is dedicated to kimbizzle, my one and only.

what's living if you never pull your shorts down and slide on the ice?!

this is the kind of day it's been for me:

today i walk outside in the freezing cold weather (ok, 39 degrees is freezing to me) at 6:30 and i get in my freezing cold car which, thanks to my dad's new mustang (don't get me started), now is parked in the driveway instead of the garage. i drive to work waiting for the heat to get going, which it does about 48 seconds from my work, and i am getting out of my car to run into the office and i grab my carnation instant breakfast (the best invention since the wheel, i tell you) and as i'm getting out of the car i spill it on my BRAND NEW work pants. oh, did i mention that it is freezing frickin' cold? ok, just making sure. so i go inside and call my mom and ask her to bring me a skirt. when she does, i change and i realize that i am wearing my tennis shoes and striped socks that go up to my calf. so, i pretty much just stayed seated behind my desk of solitude until lunch when i went home and changed into more appropriate footwear.
then, i start reading harry potter and the chamber of secrets and i flip through the pages and i come across a rubber lizard. and for some reason, with the kind of day it's been, that rubber lizard just made sense. it was just so normal that i would find a lizard in my book.
another monstrosity: the price of evian went up ten cents. oh and also, i didn't get to go to the aly and a.j. concert on account of i didn't have anyone to go with. woe is me.


latesky.

family night.

tonight for family night we went to dinner and a movie. we saw the bucket list. of course connor and i got into a fight during dinner, and we are now both shunning each other, but that's usually how my life goes (i.e. i am constantly being shunned by people, i've learned to deal). the bucket list was a good flick, pretty sad obviously, i'm pretty sure you all know the premise. jack nicholson and morgan freeman make a list of things they want to do before they kick the bucket ("cutesy"), among them are: kiss the most beautiful girl in the world, skydive, help a complete stranger, laugh until i cry, and witness something majestic. it's a really cute story about friendship, and obviously about life, all while being pretty predictable. so, as an audience, we cry in places we're supposed to cry, and laugh in places we're supposed to laugh, and we all leave better people, yes? on the way out to the car i pretended to be an airplane because that's just what i do, and i sped ahead of my family and connor asked: "what are you doing?", to which i replied, accenting my bottom, "i am allowing you all to witness something majestic". we can all cross that one off our lists.


tomorrow the oscar nominees are announced, and i gotta say i tried to make a list today; i got pretty far, but i just couldn't finish it. list making just isn't the same for me lately. it's quite sad actually. there were just a few categories that i wasn't sure of. i had adapted screenplay and original screenplay, director and supporting roles, but there were just a few i wasn't sure of, and my list making buddy is no more, i'm afraid, so i had no one to consult about my decisions. i ended up making a rough copy for me just so i could see if i was right, but there's no need to type it out on here. some things just don't have any point anymore.

other than the above pathetic "news" i have nothing new to report. my life is quite crazy at the moment, i kind of feel like i am all over the place. i feel like there are pieces of me everywhere, and i'm just trying to find them all so i can put myself back together. i know there are going to be some pieces of myself that i can't find, or that i don't want to find. or there will be pieces that are better left where i found them, better left alone. i only hope that what i piece together is a semblence of myself. i hope that people won't notice the holes or cracks that aren't filled. mostly i hope that i won't notice them. i hope that i will be able to see myself in what is left.


until next time,
gabrielle.

before and after.

me before...
me after.


in keeping up with the "new year, new you" thing, i decided to try a new hairstyle. so i chopped my hair off, got killer fringe, and dyed it red. je lurve it alot. it's a good change for me.
i went to the doctor last week and i have to have a vair vair scary proceedure done on the 30th of january. so, keep me in mind on that day, as i will be severely violated.


not much else to report these days. nothing i feel really comfortable writing about at this point anyways. thanks for all of the support!


love,
gabrielle.

if not now, when?

dear lovely,

so i have a little time before my movie night starts, i thought i'd take this time to update everyone on my life. because obviously everyone is wondering where i am and what i'm doing. there are alot of changes coming up in my life. it's weird because i always hear people say: "new year, new you!" and i'm always thinking: "whatever" because i've never been a big fan of change. But recently i've had to accept that change is a really large part of my life- of everyone's lives- and so i've got to just accept it, get over it, move on. it's like that old timey cliche that is stiched on pillows in old lady's houses: "the only thing that is constant is change"... or "time may change me, but i can't change time"... i think it was david bowie who first stiched that somewhere. the point is, there are so many sayings about time and how we can't control it, or how we can't control what happens to us, only how we react to what happens. that's so true, and i hate admiting it... i hate it when those old lady pillows are right. i'm just trying really hard not to be a product of things that have happened to me, or things that are happening to me right now. after all is said and done, at the end of the day, i still want to be gabby... i don't want to turn into one of those bitter spinsters or anything. i was laying in my bed last night, crying, naturally (because lately, when am i not?) and i just thought to myself: "this is it. this is what is happening in your life, gabby." and then i made a (mental) list of things that are going to happen to me in the future, maybe even the near future and i allowed myself time to think about them, to really think about them. i thought of the things that are worrying me or making me upset right now, and i allowed myself to hate them, to talk about them. i thought of things that have been said to me, things that anger me, and i allowed myself to argue those things, to defend myself, to yell. i thought of the things that make me saddest in my life, and i allowed myself grieve, allowed myself cry, allowed myself to hurt, to ache. i gave myself time to say what i wanted- what i felt i needed- to say. i replayed scenarios over in my head, conversations that have already occured, and i just said what i wanted to say, what i wish i had said in the first place. i can't go back in time and change any of my recent actions or the actions of others, it just is not possible. no amount of crying or hurting or yelling is going to make it possible, and i have to accept that. for a moment last night, i pretended that i could alter time a little. i imagined that i had the people i wanted to talk to there to listen to me, and i imagined that they wanted to hear what i had to say, imagined that what i said made a difference. then, with no one in my room but myself, i spoke. i explained, i apologized, i vented, i got angry. i didn't try defend myself to anyone specific, or to anyone personally in "real life", because i don't feel like any one person deserves an explanation on why i am the way that i am, why i do what i do, why i say what i say, or why i write what i write. i don't feel the need to personally explain my actions to certain people. i feel like the people who know me are the people who really love me; the people who know that i am not perfect, the people who know that i mess up, that i am going to make mistakes, and that sometimes my foot resides in my mouth. the people who show me the same courtesy that i show them when they mess up, say something hurtful, or something they don't mean. my point is, i did it. i said what i wanted to say and i got over it. i allowed myself those moments to grieve, to be upset, to hurt. i thought about friends i've lost, opportunities i've lost, mistakes i've made, words i've said that i don't mean. i got mad at myself and i hated myself, i lashed out, i cried, and after what seemed like forever, i stopped. it was over, i was done, and i forgave myself. i made myself a promise that i wouldn't hate myself anymore over past events, over things i cannot change. when i stopped crying, i knew. i know now that this is it, that no more tears are allowed because no amount of tears are going to change what's done. it is done, it is over. no more hating myself, no more wishes for silly things, no more unrealistic dreams, no more pretend. it's time for me to think about changing my life for real. to make a difference and change MY time before it changes me. that's not to say that i am not still sad at times, but i am not going to allow myself time to cry anymore. i've cried all that i will let myself cry. the only thing that looking back and dwelling on what's happened is going to do is stop me from going forward and making changes. i can't move forward if i am looking back all the time. yes, i am still going to have moments where i think about past relationships, but instead of mourning what is gone i am going to remember what has been, and remember what an amazing life i've had, filled with amazing people. wonderful winters, and spactacular summers. fun vacations, incredible life-changing experiences. lots of love, and lots of laughter. inside jokes that never get old, and memories that never fade, pictures that never leave my wall, phone numbers that never get erased. most of all, the people who never get removed from my memory.


thank you for listening to my mess. sometimes it is hard for me to put theses feelings out on paper, and it's even more difficult to express them correctly on the computer screen. i am sorry if at times i can be difficult to love. i love and appreciate all of you, especially the ones who stay with me through the difficult times. i love the ones who leave for a bit but come back to me when my mind clears. i love even those of you who aren't reading this, who will never read this, but are in my heart still.


forever,
gabrielle.

so this is the new year, i don't feel any different...

I know what I need to do,

I know what I have done.

I am going to write it down,

I am going to photograph it.

I will remember what should be remembered,

I will forget what needs to be forgotten.

I will trust those close to me,

I will trust myself.

I will let go,

I will move on.

I will laugh...

Too loud, too much, and too often.

I will love...

never too much.

I will think before i act or speak,

I will defend myself.

I will believe in what i say and do.

I will say what I mean,

and mean what i say.

I will stop talking about myself so much,

I will listen more closely to what isn't being said.

I will care less about what others think of me,

and worry more what i think about myself.

I will stay in touch,

I will drift apart.

I will focus on details.

I will ask questions,

I will give answers.

I will be honest with others,

but more importantly, i won't lie to myself anymore.

I will read, I will study, I will learn.

I won't dwell on the past.

I will keep going.

I will live for those who cannot,

and also for myself.

I AM GOING TO BE BETTER.

I AM GOING TO BE GABRIELLE.

that is a sort of new year's resolution, in so many words. instead of making the same goals this year as every year before (i.e. lose weight, save money, be happy, get married? HA HA), i decided to make a mission statement of sorts. an outline to remind myself of what i will become in the next year. not what i want to accomplish, what i will accomplish. since it is the new year though, i will take the time to tell you all (yes, you. if you're reading this, then you) how much you mean to me. I am so greatful to all of you for being in my life and putting up with my (at times) impossible mood swings. i'm working on getting those fixed, by the way. i am so greatful for my family and wonderful friends, some who have been with me from the start. i am greatful for my amazing job and boss, and his family, the examples they are to me. i am greatful for the friends i have that i don't keep in touch with as much as i should (malia, karen, katie, brandi, thanner, braden, jen, colby...ETC.!) believe me, you are in my thoughts more than you know! thanks to kim and clinton for getting me through the work week, and increasing my wrinkles. i am greatful for samantha and sandee... you guys have been around longer than most- CONGRATULATIONS! i love you guys so much and i am so glad we've stuck with each other through all of the fights and screams and CRYING (my heck, we are emotional) and i know it sounds like a cheesy, lezzie thing to say, but there are three guys out there who are lucky enough to end up with each one of us. i know we haven't found them yet, but i am always looking out for you guys and i know you're always looking out for me. i appreciate you, i love you, i miss you. i'd suggest we move in together, but then our cycles would be the same and that would be good for no one. i am greatful for kenny and everything he is to me. i'm greatful for his sense of humor and the strength that, for whatever reason, he gives me. i am greatful for his kind words and his great family. i am thankful for those moments we get every once in a while where we lay in my bed and watch joan rivers on youtube and just laugh until five in the morning. i am greatful for his daniel day lewis impression and of course, his breathtaking bum (true). i am greatful for my strong family: my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. i love the close relationship we all have. even though our family gets crazy at times, like right now, when my grandparents are moving (again) i'm not going to lie, sometimes my family makes me crazy. but then i just think about my aunt kristie and the time she fell off of the ladder. or i think about my beautiful aunt jennie, and the tea party we had that i got kicked out of. or i remember how taylor used to sit on my lap and share my food with me when she was little. i think of a time when erin and i used to argue about who got to be the teacher and who had to be the student (she was always the teacher-- haha). i think of my cousin nichole and how strong and brave and forgiving she is. and how lucky she is to have such an amazing husband and three beautiful little girls (get pregnant again already, will you?!) i think of the nights spent in utah on my cousins trampoline. i think of chase and corbin and skip bo at three a.m. i think of uncle mike yelling at us to shut up. i think of mckell and danielle, and maleri, and merissa, and about how much they love me, even though i am not perfect. i love how they don't ask me to change, they just think i am the coolest the way i am. i think about my grandmother and the sacrifices she's made in her life so that she could be a part of something she believed in so much. i think of how she left her home and family in europe to come to america to be a part of something bigger and better. i think of my uncle david, and the afternoons we used to spend watching ghostbusters. i think of my uncle mark and the pasta c. he makes for me even though it takes a long time. i think of madison and the christmas sleepovers filled with leftovers and all-night monopoly games (did we ever finish?? who won??) i think of my uncle john and how much fun we used to have at the salon and all the ridiculous errands he used to send me and erin on. i think of my brother connor... who is no doubt annoying. but he is probably the funniest kid i know, and definately one of the nicest kids i know. i think of my dad and the sacrifices he makes for my family. i think of how hard he works... all the time, whether he is home or at work. i think of how brave he is, of how safe i feel those nights when he is home with us, and how something is just missing when he is not. i think of my brother stefan, who right now is dedicating his life to serving our father in heaven- and he's doing such a good job at it!! i love him so much and miss him more than i can say. and finally, i think about my mom. and her braces. she has done more for me in my life than anyone ever will. no one else loves me like my mother loves me, and i don't love anyone like i love her. she is my rock, my example, my shining star. she is beautiful, funny, and courageous. she has carried not one, but two families and with minimal complaining. she is the coolest, the greatest, my number one, my best friend. without her, i wouldn't be here.

the same goes for all of you. you've all done something to me or for me that has helped make me who i am today. and sometimes you just plain give me the strength to get up in the morning.

i love you all. so so much and forever and with all my heart. i love some of you in such a way that it actually hurts to think about you. i certainly love you all more than i could ever write or explain in some silly blog.

here's to the jokes, the laughter, the fighting, the crying... here's to the random text messages or phone calls that get me through my day. here's to the inside jokes we share during work hours (kim....... i'm talking to you.). here's to the long drives with nothing to say, here's to the late-night trips to denny's. here's to brownie making, here's to guitar playing... here's to family, friends, and everyone in between. i love you. with all my heart, i love you.

thank you and i hope you all have a safe and happy and amazing year. i hope you all get what you want out of your lives. and to those of you who are pregnant... good luck! i'm really sorry you have to squeeze a baby out of your small place. it doesn't sound like fun, i'm not gonna lie.

signed ever so sincerely,

gabrielle.

p.s. special thanks to erin who helped me ring in the new year on my NEW BED! i love you, missie.

holy chrimboli!

alright, this post is about a week late, but i figure in the world of blogging, it's better late than never, although i'm not sure if that's the case. this is my christmas blog. that is, a blog about how blessed i am. urm... i still haven't figured out how to get these pics in order, the uploader on blogspot is pretty crap if you ask me. but here they are, in random order:


my mom with her brand new "DEBBIE" american girl doll.

my dad showing his Hofstra Pride.
me with the mother load. from L to R... new Marc Jacobs purse (in white bag), CHI flat iron, movies, movies, movies, american girl doll clothes, new blow dryer, new perfume (britney spears Believe), movies, movies, more movies, books, buffy the vampire slayer (all 7 seasons), obviously a truck load of more movies/t.v. series, another book, Ralph Lauren Fashion Book (huge), Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume, also i am wrapped in the new fuzzy Alice in Wonderland Blanket. Not included are the wonderful presents from sandee (B.Nobe gift card/hand made scarf) and samantha (Betsey Johnson perfume) and of course, kenny. He got me 21 Jump Street on dvd (my fave t.v. show as a young one), a new book to read, a really sparkly and beautiful headband, and a Marie Osmond cd. plus he wrapped them all in paper towels, so it was pretty amazing.
connor playing rock band. he hasn't stopped. no seriously, he is doing that RIGHT NOW.

stocking time. i got nail polish. and shaving cream.
so, my dad really surprised me this year by getting me the most amazing gift. he got me about 25 movies that i've never seen that he thinks i should see, all of them for different reasons. most of them are thought of as the best movies of the decade i am sure, and some of them.... well, not so much. among the list of ones i am really excited for: the graduate, bonnie and clyde, my fair lady, annie hall, and one flew over the cukoo's nest. ones i am not so excited about: platoon, deliverance, and saving private ryan.
connor's fave gift: a live JOURNEY dvd. oh brother.
stefan sent connor the most rockin' poncho. connor looks pretty bomb in it, don't you think?
me with my favorite book about my favorite lady: "Different Like CoCo". Everyone should read it.

So, that's pretty much it. we had a pretty chill christmas this year, just my small family, four people. next year stefan will be home and i cannot wait. we got to talk to him on christmas and it was so much fun. he has less than a year left and my family couldn't be happier!! he sounds so great though, and he is doing wonderfully. he is right where he is supposed to be and he is so blessed for his sacrifice and service and hard work. and i know my family is blessed too for letting him go for two years :) i love him so so so much and i miss him everyday. i am so proud of him for having the courage and strength (that i lack) to do something so wonderful for so many people. sometimes i feel like maybe i should be somewhere else doing things for other people. maybe i am in the wrong place.

hope all of your families are having a great holiday. i love you all. please be safe.

-gabrielle.