if not now, when?

dear lovely,

so i have a little time before my movie night starts, i thought i'd take this time to update everyone on my life. because obviously everyone is wondering where i am and what i'm doing. there are alot of changes coming up in my life. it's weird because i always hear people say: "new year, new you!" and i'm always thinking: "whatever" because i've never been a big fan of change. But recently i've had to accept that change is a really large part of my life- of everyone's lives- and so i've got to just accept it, get over it, move on. it's like that old timey cliche that is stiched on pillows in old lady's houses: "the only thing that is constant is change"... or "time may change me, but i can't change time"... i think it was david bowie who first stiched that somewhere. the point is, there are so many sayings about time and how we can't control it, or how we can't control what happens to us, only how we react to what happens. that's so true, and i hate admiting it... i hate it when those old lady pillows are right. i'm just trying really hard not to be a product of things that have happened to me, or things that are happening to me right now. after all is said and done, at the end of the day, i still want to be gabby... i don't want to turn into one of those bitter spinsters or anything. i was laying in my bed last night, crying, naturally (because lately, when am i not?) and i just thought to myself: "this is it. this is what is happening in your life, gabby." and then i made a (mental) list of things that are going to happen to me in the future, maybe even the near future and i allowed myself time to think about them, to really think about them. i thought of the things that are worrying me or making me upset right now, and i allowed myself to hate them, to talk about them. i thought of things that have been said to me, things that anger me, and i allowed myself to argue those things, to defend myself, to yell. i thought of the things that make me saddest in my life, and i allowed myself grieve, allowed myself cry, allowed myself to hurt, to ache. i gave myself time to say what i wanted- what i felt i needed- to say. i replayed scenarios over in my head, conversations that have already occured, and i just said what i wanted to say, what i wish i had said in the first place. i can't go back in time and change any of my recent actions or the actions of others, it just is not possible. no amount of crying or hurting or yelling is going to make it possible, and i have to accept that. for a moment last night, i pretended that i could alter time a little. i imagined that i had the people i wanted to talk to there to listen to me, and i imagined that they wanted to hear what i had to say, imagined that what i said made a difference. then, with no one in my room but myself, i spoke. i explained, i apologized, i vented, i got angry. i didn't try defend myself to anyone specific, or to anyone personally in "real life", because i don't feel like any one person deserves an explanation on why i am the way that i am, why i do what i do, why i say what i say, or why i write what i write. i don't feel the need to personally explain my actions to certain people. i feel like the people who know me are the people who really love me; the people who know that i am not perfect, the people who know that i mess up, that i am going to make mistakes, and that sometimes my foot resides in my mouth. the people who show me the same courtesy that i show them when they mess up, say something hurtful, or something they don't mean. my point is, i did it. i said what i wanted to say and i got over it. i allowed myself those moments to grieve, to be upset, to hurt. i thought about friends i've lost, opportunities i've lost, mistakes i've made, words i've said that i don't mean. i got mad at myself and i hated myself, i lashed out, i cried, and after what seemed like forever, i stopped. it was over, i was done, and i forgave myself. i made myself a promise that i wouldn't hate myself anymore over past events, over things i cannot change. when i stopped crying, i knew. i know now that this is it, that no more tears are allowed because no amount of tears are going to change what's done. it is done, it is over. no more hating myself, no more wishes for silly things, no more unrealistic dreams, no more pretend. it's time for me to think about changing my life for real. to make a difference and change MY time before it changes me. that's not to say that i am not still sad at times, but i am not going to allow myself time to cry anymore. i've cried all that i will let myself cry. the only thing that looking back and dwelling on what's happened is going to do is stop me from going forward and making changes. i can't move forward if i am looking back all the time. yes, i am still going to have moments where i think about past relationships, but instead of mourning what is gone i am going to remember what has been, and remember what an amazing life i've had, filled with amazing people. wonderful winters, and spactacular summers. fun vacations, incredible life-changing experiences. lots of love, and lots of laughter. inside jokes that never get old, and memories that never fade, pictures that never leave my wall, phone numbers that never get erased. most of all, the people who never get removed from my memory.


thank you for listening to my mess. sometimes it is hard for me to put theses feelings out on paper, and it's even more difficult to express them correctly on the computer screen. i am sorry if at times i can be difficult to love. i love and appreciate all of you, especially the ones who stay with me through the difficult times. i love the ones who leave for a bit but come back to me when my mind clears. i love even those of you who aren't reading this, who will never read this, but are in my heart still.


forever,
gabrielle.