my state of mind has finally got the best of me.

there's a strange sort of feeling that comes over me when i realize that something is over. it's a feeling that is hard to identify or label. it's not sadness, happiness, nor content. it's a very solemn, almost empty feeling... maybe a bit calming? relief?

whether it's friendships or other sorts of "ships", school or even a t.v. show, when something ends, i get that same sort of feeling. happy to reflect on memories stored in the files of my mind, sad to close a chapter, unwilling to let go, unable to stay, and uncertain of the future. not sure what that closed door means... does it mean that another door opens? and if another door does open, am i going to like what experiences come with that new opportunity? it's times like these that i am reminded that growing up never really gets easier, you're problems just adapt to your age. like when i think back to 2003, for example, and the problems i faced then i would gladly tackle those problems now. if i think back even further to high school, the "problems" i faced then are almost laughable to me now (almost). sometimes i like to cheer myself up by telling myself "in a year these problems of yours will be a cake walk, miss walz", and for a moment my fears and worries subside and i am able to prance around and be silly and carefree, and most of the time that's what i am. yet here i sit on the eve of my 25th year and there are some "issues" that i feel consumed by, that overwhelm me. at times i feel at peace b/c i know in six months time these "issues" will be a small spot in my past, just another story for the books but at the same time i worry about what new issues will present themselves. why is it that we always feel we are at our limit?
what started off as a rant about closure has turned into a quite depressing rant about time, sorry, i'll head back to the original idea. just recently i've closed off a part of my life and it just hit me today that it is over. this time the decision was mine and i'm greatful for that at least, but still, there are times when i catch myself dissecting that relationship. i'm not sure what i'm looking for, really. i just find myself searching for a moment where maybe i was given a clue as to how it would all turn out, or maybe there was a moment where i could have said something but didn't, more likely is the chance that i said something and should have held my tongue. then i start rehashing scenarios and conversations, reading over letters or text messages and journals, looking at photos... if i let myself i could be totally swept away studying moments from the past. but just barely i thought to myself "what's the point?" i can read letters, i can hilight sentences and analyze them, i can remember conversations or events that took place but the "evidence" of love that i find won't change the outcome. it's like.... finding a dead body and doing a bunch of detective work to find out how the person was killed and why they died and if you could have done anything to save the person. at the end of all that time and research, you've still got a dead body. placing the blame on someone doesn't un-do what has been done, it doesn't change the decisions that were made. yep... still no pulse.
something i've learned, or maybe just realized, is that sometimes things just happen. sometimes things just don't work out. sometimes there is nothing more that i could have done. pouring over letters and conversations isn't going to do anything except make me feel worse.

it's a sad day when i realize i have to be a grown up. i realized it years ago, but it still feels like i just figured it out yesterday. i still feel brand new.

lyrics of the day:
"So with dignity and grace, you have to erase
All the things in your mind that replay, and replay, and replay.
The things that made you cry, that you forgave, you let go by,
Or you will push the one you love out of your life."
-maria taylor.