say.

i'm having a difficult time right now deciding which of my thoughts i should say out loud and which thoughts i should leave in my head. things have been pretty crazy lately vis a vis my emotions... they have kind of been all over the place. hence, my hesitation to say what i feel when i feel it. alot of the time i don't feel the same way a few days later (sometimes even a few hours later) . i've always been a pretty emotional girl, and i quite like that about myself. i like that when i am happy, i am consumed by that happiness, that it crosses borders into other parts of my life. i also like that i have the ability to be sad, that i have the ability to identify my sadness and express it and learn from it. it seems like lately i have been filtering my thoughts a bit more and not saying as much as i usually do, which may be a good thing, i don't know. i just know that on occasion, i feel like i am going to either explode or drown. which sounds worse than it is. probably. there really is no point to this rant other than to say that i don't know what to do. for the first time in a long time i feel a bit lost. today i was going through some music and i came across a song by john mayer and i kind of hate quoting him because he tends to be a douche more often than not. but his music is actually really, really brilliant. there's a song of his called "say" that i read the lyrics to and one line in particular caught my attention. it's weird bc i don't always get inspiration from songs, but it's always really eye-opening when i do bc it's usually from songs that i've listened to a thousand times. anyways, if you get a chance you should read all of the lyrics to that song bc, even though it was written by a douche, the whole song is amazing. i'm just going to print the lyrics that stood out the most to me...

"IT'S BETTER TO SAY TOO MUCH THAN [TO] NEVER SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY."

so, after a night of "dreaming" about scenarios, a few hours of deliberating and thinking, and finally after consulting my "go-to" peeps (thank you malia and trevor) i decided that it's best that i say what i need to. it's better for me anyways. i could sit here and be bothered for the next few hours/days/weeks/whatever, or i could just say what i feel and be done with it. i think relationships would be so much easier if we could all just do eachother that little courtesy. when i think of how much time i've wasted worrying and over-analyzing it makes me nuts. it's all very high school, the worrying and deciphering "guy code" and such, and it seems like such a waste of time. especially since, as much as i would like to be (ha ha), i am NOT in high school anymore. and, like (apparently) everyone else, i am busy (yes, that can be an excuse for me too, though i don't use it as one).
there are so few times that i regret saying something. in fact, off hand, i can't remember any situations where i regret speaking my mind. that's not to say that i don't remember a time where i told someone how i feel and they didn't feel the same way, bc i remember quite a few times like that. i even remember feeling embarassed about what i said. but there are so many instances that i can think of-right off the top of my head- where i held my tongue and didn't tell someone how i felt, and those are the things i regret, those are the moments that could have changed everything. i just think that it's better to say what i feel and get it out there and know for certain that someone knows what i'm feeling, no guesses on their part or mine. i gotta tell you, if someone's decision to jump ship is based on my thoughts or feelings, then it's best that they jump ship sooner rather than later.