can't stop the train.

these are pretty much the only words that are appropriate for how i feel right now. i'll pretty much be listening to this song on repeat for the next... forever.

No, I'm not color blind,
I know the world is black and white.
Try to keep an open mind, but
I just can't sleep on this tonight.
Stop this train,
I wanna get off and
Go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in,
I know I can't.
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it,
Don't want to see my parents go.
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own.
Stop this train,
I wanna get off and
Go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in,
I know I can't.
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun.
Had a talk with my old man,
Said "Help me understand"
He said "Turn sixty-eight,
You renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train,
Don't for a minute change the place you're in.
And don't think I couldn't ever understand,
I tried my hand.
John, honestly, we'll never stop this train."

Once in a while, when it's good,
It'll feel like it should.
And they're all still around,
And you're still safe and sound.
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark.
Singing,

"Stop this train.
I wanna get off and
Go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in".
I know I can,
'Cause now I see
I'll never stop this train.

OMJ

there are many things i could write about today, but i choose this. i have been doing well on my low-techno diet, which is similar to a low carb diet, in that i use my computer only a few times during the day and in small doses. i've logged on to twitter and facebook only twice today (which is good for me, by the way, so hush up) but when i logged on to twitter a moment ago i was met with a message from the jonas brothers saying that their new album cover is up. oh dear. i want to say i am ashamed to admit what i am about to admit, but if i really were that ashamed, i'd not be putting it out in the blogosphere.... my breath was quite literally taken away. ha. oh my my my. i really wasn't expecting something so... oy what's the word? i'm thinking of many, i'm just trying to decide which, if any, are appropriate. i'll go with "breezy" right now. i wasn't expecting something quite so breezy. really, i am laughing at myself right now bc i did literally gasp when i saw this which just proves that i am not old enough to have just turned 25. (somewhere in the world my mother is reading this post and shaking her head at the nonsense that is her TWENTY FIVE year old daughter. sorry, mom. i'll make it up to you someday.) so, i am very excited for june 15th which is when this gem hits shelves and i am glad i stumbled upon this photo bc it may very well have gotten me through the last two hours of my day. may i also say that i am excited for may 2nd which is the premiere of J.O.N.A.S. on the disney channel and i'm thinking of putting together a little ACE gang soiree for it. who knows, it depends on how gay i'm feeling that day.

in other my world news, i am currently loving the album "lady luck" by the amazing maria taylor, namely the song "100,00 times" which, at press time, makes my world spin round and round and round. and a quote that caught my attention today is this little gem from, urm, lord byron i believe? if not, my appologies to the lord. it goes a little something like this:

" 'tis strange-but true; for the truth is always strange."

i loved that. i also thought of this in the middle of the night when i couldn't sleep and was drowning in my own insecurities and fears and feeling very overwhelmed. so this quote is from, well, me. at three in the morning. "alot of small steps equal big steps". so that's what i'm doing right now... just taking small steps in hopes that someday i'll turn around and realize that i've gotten somewhere.

exoh.

gabrielle.

thoughts that create my world.

so i have that little section on the side of quotes/movie lines/song lines that i should be better at updating (i'm going to start now, being better i mean.). just now i added a new thought to it and i was thinking of something different to call that section. i went through a bunch of ideas like "thoughts that make my life" or "things that make my brain tick", but i ended up just sticking to what i originally had because, well, i can't think of a better way to say it. seriously, some of those words can calm me down when i'm in a frenzy or make me smile when i'm bummed. they seriously create my world. so yeah. the point is, i'm gonna try and update it weekly. clean some out of there and add new ones. i'll start small by saying one a week.

exoh.
gabrielle.

favorite office clip ever.

i can really say that, without a doubt, the "golden ticket" episode of the office is my favorite episode thus far for season five. i really think that steve carrell should submit this episode for an emmy nom. he is so brilliant in it. this is probably the best opening for an "office" episode yet (it even beats the "bears, beets, battlestar gallactica" opener). last friday, i watched this episode FIVE times, and i rewound the opening segment at least once each time. brilliant moments to notice in this scene (it's ok if you watch it twice) are: what michael uses to wipe the "budda" off of his hand, michael's face when he attempts to attack dwight, and michael's face right after jim says "ding dong". honestly, steve carrell is brilliant. in those moments, he really is michael scott. i hope you laugh as much as i did.

crentist the dentist.

ok, so i wasn't this bad, but yesterday i went to the dentist for the first time in a long time on account of a delinquent tooth that was giving me greif. after sitting in the dentist chair for a couple of hours they decided that i needed a root canal. this means that my lovely (and lucky) cousin got to be the one to "operate" on me. he is so lovely that he drugged me up nice and good. i actually don't remember much of anything yesterday except that melissa, being the good friend that she is, picked me up and drove me home and got me crackers for lunch since i hadn't eaten anything. i think ike was in the car and i think we were watching the princess bride? (am i making any of this up, melis?) anyways, thanks to all who put up with me this weekend with my hurty tooth. I HATE TOOTH PAIN!!

my state of mind has finally got the best of me.

there's a strange sort of feeling that comes over me when i realize that something is over. it's a feeling that is hard to identify or label. it's not sadness, happiness, nor content. it's a very solemn, almost empty feeling... maybe a bit calming? relief?

whether it's friendships or other sorts of "ships", school or even a t.v. show, when something ends, i get that same sort of feeling. happy to reflect on memories stored in the files of my mind, sad to close a chapter, unwilling to let go, unable to stay, and uncertain of the future. not sure what that closed door means... does it mean that another door opens? and if another door does open, am i going to like what experiences come with that new opportunity? it's times like these that i am reminded that growing up never really gets easier, you're problems just adapt to your age. like when i think back to 2003, for example, and the problems i faced then i would gladly tackle those problems now. if i think back even further to high school, the "problems" i faced then are almost laughable to me now (almost). sometimes i like to cheer myself up by telling myself "in a year these problems of yours will be a cake walk, miss walz", and for a moment my fears and worries subside and i am able to prance around and be silly and carefree, and most of the time that's what i am. yet here i sit on the eve of my 25th year and there are some "issues" that i feel consumed by, that overwhelm me. at times i feel at peace b/c i know in six months time these "issues" will be a small spot in my past, just another story for the books but at the same time i worry about what new issues will present themselves. why is it that we always feel we are at our limit?
what started off as a rant about closure has turned into a quite depressing rant about time, sorry, i'll head back to the original idea. just recently i've closed off a part of my life and it just hit me today that it is over. this time the decision was mine and i'm greatful for that at least, but still, there are times when i catch myself dissecting that relationship. i'm not sure what i'm looking for, really. i just find myself searching for a moment where maybe i was given a clue as to how it would all turn out, or maybe there was a moment where i could have said something but didn't, more likely is the chance that i said something and should have held my tongue. then i start rehashing scenarios and conversations, reading over letters or text messages and journals, looking at photos... if i let myself i could be totally swept away studying moments from the past. but just barely i thought to myself "what's the point?" i can read letters, i can hilight sentences and analyze them, i can remember conversations or events that took place but the "evidence" of love that i find won't change the outcome. it's like.... finding a dead body and doing a bunch of detective work to find out how the person was killed and why they died and if you could have done anything to save the person. at the end of all that time and research, you've still got a dead body. placing the blame on someone doesn't un-do what has been done, it doesn't change the decisions that were made. yep... still no pulse.
something i've learned, or maybe just realized, is that sometimes things just happen. sometimes things just don't work out. sometimes there is nothing more that i could have done. pouring over letters and conversations isn't going to do anything except make me feel worse.

it's a sad day when i realize i have to be a grown up. i realized it years ago, but it still feels like i just figured it out yesterday. i still feel brand new.

lyrics of the day:
"So with dignity and grace, you have to erase
All the things in your mind that replay, and replay, and replay.
The things that made you cry, that you forgave, you let go by,
Or you will push the one you love out of your life."
-maria taylor.