GRIEF: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE DONE.

According to wikipedia, the current source of my information, grief is “a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed”. Leave it to wikipedia to spread something out in its most simplest of terms. Wiki goes on to tell me that, “although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, [grief] also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions”. I guess I should thank wikipedia for the explanation, because right now I can’t find one of my own.
Life has an interesting way of reminding us that all of the old, over-done clichés are true. That the fact that you’re alive is something to be celebrated, that nothing gold can stay. That yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and that today really is a gift, and that’s why it’s called the present. Two weeks ago, my definition of “bad day” was redefined. Two weeks ago, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling sorry for someone who really needed it. I’ve been very blessed my whole life with the gift of words, and not just any words, but the right words. I have always known what to say to someone to make them feel better. Two weeks ago, my words were taken from me, and I realized that without them, there was nothing I could do except cry.
I don’t know what the harder lesson to learn in this life is: the fact that there are some experiences that I must face alone, or that there are some experiences that someone I love must face alone. The thing about grief is that it changes things, it changes people. When you’re grieving, music sounds different, food tastes different, the air smells different. Everyday tasks become robotic. Get up. Get dressed. Fix breakfast. Go to work. Work. Come home from work. Try to eat. Try to watch TV. Try to talk to someone. Sleep. Two weeks ago, my best friend became my grieving friend, and my words weren’t enough.
One of the most upsetting things about grief is that it takes the light out of everything. Activities that you used to love become pointless. Why shop when she is gone? Why sing when she is gone? The most unfair thing about losing someone we love is that when that person passes away, we don’t, and we have to keep going without them. Must keep breathing. Must keep smiling. Must keep working. Must. Function.
One of the neat things about grief though, is that it allows you to see what you are capable of. It’s truly a test for the strong ones. As I’ve stood on the outside of my friend’s grief, I’ve made a few observations. One: her family is amazing. It’s been quite amazing to watch them band together in their time of sorrow and show such great love and care for the sister who has passed. It has been stunning to see the way in which they carry each other, the way they bear their own grief as well as the grief and sorrow of each other. The second thing I’ve noticed is that my friend is stronger than she thinks she is. I’ve always known that she possessed something special inside her, so I’m not surprised that she has risen to this challenge so bravely, but it is still amazing to see how the gifts we have been blessed with present themselves when we need them most.
Wikipedia defines friendship as “a type of companionship that a human towards another human being can have. It is a bond in which one person has a feeling toward another person. Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. It is a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect, along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty towards each other.” I am so lucky to have been blessed with the friendships that I have in my life. I haven’t always had friends that fit this description; in fact I think I managed to find a few friends that were the exact opposite off that description. I am grateful for those friends too; it’s because of them that I am able to realize just how extraordinary it is to find someone who would do anything for you. It’s not easy to find a friend that will bring you a pepsi when you’re sick, or visit you at work when you’re bored. A friend that will spend months concocting a birthday present for you. A friend that will send you a handwritten letter. A friend that will stay up late watching movies with you. A friend whose love crosses county and state lines. A friend who has been there for you in your most trying times and a friend who will continue to be there for all of your trials to come. A friend that isn’t afraid to stand up for you, who isn’t ashamed to be with you (even when you’re wearing your mumu). A friend that will bear your griefs as her own. A friend that cries for you when you can’t cry anymore.
I sometimes wonder what my purpose here on earth is. Am I destined to be a wife and mother? Am I destined to be famous? Am I destined to be a spinster forever? What I have never questioned though, is my ability to love, and to love unconditionally. My ability to see the good in others. My ability to know which words to use, and when to use them. My ability to recognize when someone is hurting. The sympathy and empathy I feel for those that I love. My honesty, even when the truth hurts. My understanding. When I gather all those factors together and form a list, what that list consists of is qualities that make a really great friend. Maybe that is my “destiny”, if such a thing even exists. Maybe I am destined to be everyone’s friend. There was a time when I detested being known as “the friend”, but maybe I was just looking at it from the wrong angle. I used to always feel like a chump, because in relationships, friend or otherwise, I was always the more loving/caring/giving. There’s a song lyric that I think about often that says, “I believe that my life is going to see the love I give returned to me”, and I think that is exactly what has happened in my life. All of the past “friends” who took me for granted have dropped off, weeded themselves out. And what I am left with is a handful of amazing, strong people who I know feel exactly the same way about me as I do about them. Maybe it is my destiny to be a forever friend. Maybe, just maybe, I am totally and completely okay with that.