goals and the people who make them

i was quite abitious on new year's eve when i made my list of things that i wanted to accomplish in 2010. here we are, near the end of march, and i've had to admit to myself that one; i'm not doing as well as i thought i would (2010 was going to be MY year!), and two; it may be time to start (yet again) renegotiating with myself. i.e. maybe i don't need to go to disneyland once a month. that's a harder reality to face when you foolishly purchased the year-round pass, i might add. i have to admit the pass looks pretty cool in my wallet, but i could've saved the money and just put a picture of snoopy in my wallet. he's pretty cool, right?
one of the goals that i have really been trying at is the losing weight goal. i am really looking forward to a time when this is not on my "things to accomplish this year" list. maybe it comes from having my foot in a cast for the first two months of the year, because i have to say i've never been more excited to work out than i was the day i took that stinky boot off. the point is, i've been doing really well the past month, and i'm pretty proud of myself. it almost makes up for the fact that i've not gone to disneyland yet. one of the funnest things for me about excercising is where my mind wanders while i'm working out. i think of alot of stuff during that time, it's almost as bad as when i am just about to fall asleep. you know how at night you get in this phase where you're nearly asleep but not quite, kind of like a zombie? that's how i am all night, i don't think i actually ever fall asleep, and my mind goes to the weirdest places. i start thinking about how weird it is that things like penguins and bananas exist in one minute, and then the next minute i'm thinking about how weird it is that babies live inside a woman's body for nine months, which of course leads me to think of being pregnant, which leads me to think about giving birth, which leads me to wonder if i will ever give birth, which leads me to wonder if i will ever get married, which leads me to wonder if i will ever have a boyfriend. ugh. it's exhausting, really. this is what my mind does all night, by the way, which is why i am never surprised when i wake up for work feeling like my head has been under water all night. (my favourite comment to recieve from a 7:00 patient in the morning is: "you look tired today." yes, this has happened more than once, and no, it isn't a compliment.)
i've been thinking alot lately about the stages of grief. some people say there are five stages, some people say there are seven, some people say there are ten. i think it is different for everyone. i may actually have twenty stages of greif. what can i say, i'm a recovering pack rat. five of anything just isn't enough. after researching, i have concluded that, for me (probably for most people) there are six stages of greif. today during my excercise time, i realized that these particular stages apply to excercise as well. maybe that's because excercising gives me grief (no disrespect to grief intended).
stage one: denial.
i don't really need to work out. going to the gym just isn't for me.
stage two: guilt.
i feel like crap for not excercising today. why am i so lazy? what did i do instead that was so much more important? oh that's right, i watched two episodes of dawson's creek (this may or may not be my life at the moment).
stage three: anger.
i hate working out. i hate sweating. why do i have to work out when so-and-so doesn't? why can't i just have better metabolism? i hate working out!
stage four: bargaining.
i'll just run twice around the block. i'll skip today and just eat cotton balls soaked in orange juice tomorrow (do. not. try.). meh, twenty minutes is enough for today.
stage five: depression.
i look like crap. i feel like crap. are these pants getting smaller? why are my arms starting to look like wings? nothing is right here.
stage six: acceptance.
yes, i do have to workout today. yes, two laps is better than none. yes, i do have worse metabolism than some. yes, i will probably have to excercise everyday for the rest of my life. no, i can't just go to sleep early. no, i can't just skip today. no, i'm tired isn't an excuse.

today i had a stage four workout. i stopped working out for a bit to talk to my mom (tip: never do this. you never want to start back up again) and eventually ended up deciding that twenty minutes was good enough for today, and maybe i'd do that cotton ball thing tomorrow.
in life, some days are stage four days, and some days are stage six days. sometimes, i have a two day. the really crap days are the stage one days, where i never even accept the fact that i'm awake. sometimes, i find myself hitting all six stages before lunch (i call those days "saturdays"). i guess if i were to set a goal for myself, i would say that i want all of my days to be a stage six. because really, any day that you're alive, making plans, texting your best friend all day, having lunch with your mom, working and making money, driving, listening to music, spending time with your family, and sleeping in your own bed is a day to be accepted and celebrated.