i was quite abitious on new year's eve when i made my list of things that i wanted to accomplish in 2010. here we are, near the end of march, and i've had to admit to myself that one; i'm not doing as well as i thought i would (2010 was going to be MY year!), and two; it may be time to start (yet again) renegotiating with myself. i.e. maybe i don't need to go to disneyland once a month. that's a harder reality to face when you foolishly purchased the year-round pass, i might add. i have to admit the pass looks pretty cool in my wallet, but i could've saved the money and just put a picture of snoopy in my wallet. he's pretty cool, right?
one of the goals that i have really been trying at is the losing weight goal. i am really looking forward to a time when this is not on my "things to accomplish this year" list. maybe it comes from having my foot in a cast for the first two months of the year, because i have to say i've never been more excited to work out than i was the day i took that stinky boot off. the point is, i've been doing really well the past month, and i'm pretty proud of myself. it almost makes up for the fact that i've not gone to disneyland yet. one of the funnest things for me about excercising is where my mind wanders while i'm working out. i think of alot of stuff during that time, it's almost as bad as when i am just about to fall asleep. you know how at night you get in this phase where you're nearly asleep but not quite, kind of like a zombie? that's how i am all night, i don't think i actually ever fall asleep, and my mind goes to the weirdest places. i start thinking about how weird it is that things like penguins and bananas exist in one minute, and then the next minute i'm thinking about how weird it is that babies live inside a woman's body for nine months, which of course leads me to think of being pregnant, which leads me to think about giving birth, which leads me to wonder if i will ever give birth, which leads me to wonder if i will ever get married, which leads me to wonder if i will ever have a boyfriend. ugh. it's exhausting, really. this is what my mind does all night, by the way, which is why i am never surprised when i wake up for work feeling like my head has been under water all night. (my favourite comment to recieve from a 7:00 patient in the morning is: "you look tired today." yes, this has happened more than once, and no, it isn't a compliment.)
i've been thinking alot lately about the stages of grief. some people say there are five stages, some people say there are seven, some people say there are ten. i think it is different for everyone. i may actually have twenty stages of greif. what can i say, i'm a recovering pack rat. five of anything just isn't enough. after researching, i have concluded that, for me (probably for most people) there are six stages of greif. today during my excercise time, i realized that these particular stages apply to excercise as well. maybe that's because excercising gives me grief (no disrespect to grief intended).
stage one: denial.
i don't really need to work out. going to the gym just isn't for me.
stage two: guilt.
i feel like crap for not excercising today. why am i so lazy? what did i do instead that was so much more important? oh that's right, i watched two episodes of dawson's creek (this may or may not be my life at the moment).
stage three: anger.
i hate working out. i hate sweating. why do i have to work out when so-and-so doesn't? why can't i just have better metabolism? i hate working out!
stage four: bargaining.
i'll just run twice around the block. i'll skip today and just eat cotton balls soaked in orange juice tomorrow (do. not. try.). meh, twenty minutes is enough for today.
stage five: depression.
i look like crap. i feel like crap. are these pants getting smaller? why are my arms starting to look like wings? nothing is right here.
stage six: acceptance.
yes, i do have to workout today. yes, two laps is better than none. yes, i do have worse metabolism than some. yes, i will probably have to excercise everyday for the rest of my life. no, i can't just go to sleep early. no, i can't just skip today. no, i'm tired isn't an excuse.
today i had a stage four workout. i stopped working out for a bit to talk to my mom (tip: never do this. you never want to start back up again) and eventually ended up deciding that twenty minutes was good enough for today, and maybe i'd do that cotton ball thing tomorrow.
in life, some days are stage four days, and some days are stage six days. sometimes, i have a two day. the really crap days are the stage one days, where i never even accept the fact that i'm awake. sometimes, i find myself hitting all six stages before lunch (i call those days "saturdays"). i guess if i were to set a goal for myself, i would say that i want all of my days to be a stage six. because really, any day that you're alive, making plans, texting your best friend all day, having lunch with your mom, working and making money, driving, listening to music, spending time with your family, and sleeping in your own bed is a day to be accepted and celebrated.
3.17.2010
GRIEF: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE DONE.
According to wikipedia, the current source of my information, grief is “a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed”. Leave it to wikipedia to spread something out in its most simplest of terms. Wiki goes on to tell me that, “although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, [grief] also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions”. I guess I should thank wikipedia for the explanation, because right now I can’t find one of my own.
Life has an interesting way of reminding us that all of the old, over-done clichés are true. That the fact that you’re alive is something to be celebrated, that nothing gold can stay. That yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and that today really is a gift, and that’s why it’s called the present. Two weeks ago, my definition of “bad day” was redefined. Two weeks ago, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling sorry for someone who really needed it. I’ve been very blessed my whole life with the gift of words, and not just any words, but the right words. I have always known what to say to someone to make them feel better. Two weeks ago, my words were taken from me, and I realized that without them, there was nothing I could do except cry.
I don’t know what the harder lesson to learn in this life is: the fact that there are some experiences that I must face alone, or that there are some experiences that someone I love must face alone. The thing about grief is that it changes things, it changes people. When you’re grieving, music sounds different, food tastes different, the air smells different. Everyday tasks become robotic. Get up. Get dressed. Fix breakfast. Go to work. Work. Come home from work. Try to eat. Try to watch TV. Try to talk to someone. Sleep. Two weeks ago, my best friend became my grieving friend, and my words weren’t enough.
One of the most upsetting things about grief is that it takes the light out of everything. Activities that you used to love become pointless. Why shop when she is gone? Why sing when she is gone? The most unfair thing about losing someone we love is that when that person passes away, we don’t, and we have to keep going without them. Must keep breathing. Must keep smiling. Must keep working. Must. Function.
One of the neat things about grief though, is that it allows you to see what you are capable of. It’s truly a test for the strong ones. As I’ve stood on the outside of my friend’s grief, I’ve made a few observations. One: her family is amazing. It’s been quite amazing to watch them band together in their time of sorrow and show such great love and care for the sister who has passed. It has been stunning to see the way in which they carry each other, the way they bear their own grief as well as the grief and sorrow of each other. The second thing I’ve noticed is that my friend is stronger than she thinks she is. I’ve always known that she possessed something special inside her, so I’m not surprised that she has risen to this challenge so bravely, but it is still amazing to see how the gifts we have been blessed with present themselves when we need them most.
Wikipedia defines friendship as “a type of companionship that a human towards another human being can have. It is a bond in which one person has a feeling toward another person. Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. It is a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect, along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty towards each other.” I am so lucky to have been blessed with the friendships that I have in my life. I haven’t always had friends that fit this description; in fact I think I managed to find a few friends that were the exact opposite off that description. I am grateful for those friends too; it’s because of them that I am able to realize just how extraordinary it is to find someone who would do anything for you. It’s not easy to find a friend that will bring you a pepsi when you’re sick, or visit you at work when you’re bored. A friend that will spend months concocting a birthday present for you. A friend that will send you a handwritten letter. A friend that will stay up late watching movies with you. A friend whose love crosses county and state lines. A friend who has been there for you in your most trying times and a friend who will continue to be there for all of your trials to come. A friend that isn’t afraid to stand up for you, who isn’t ashamed to be with you (even when you’re wearing your mumu). A friend that will bear your griefs as her own. A friend that cries for you when you can’t cry anymore.
I sometimes wonder what my purpose here on earth is. Am I destined to be a wife and mother? Am I destined to be famous? Am I destined to be a spinster forever? What I have never questioned though, is my ability to love, and to love unconditionally. My ability to see the good in others. My ability to know which words to use, and when to use them. My ability to recognize when someone is hurting. The sympathy and empathy I feel for those that I love. My honesty, even when the truth hurts. My understanding. When I gather all those factors together and form a list, what that list consists of is qualities that make a really great friend. Maybe that is my “destiny”, if such a thing even exists. Maybe I am destined to be everyone’s friend. There was a time when I detested being known as “the friend”, but maybe I was just looking at it from the wrong angle. I used to always feel like a chump, because in relationships, friend or otherwise, I was always the more loving/caring/giving. There’s a song lyric that I think about often that says, “I believe that my life is going to see the love I give returned to me”, and I think that is exactly what has happened in my life. All of the past “friends” who took me for granted have dropped off, weeded themselves out. And what I am left with is a handful of amazing, strong people who I know feel exactly the same way about me as I do about them. Maybe it is my destiny to be a forever friend. Maybe, just maybe, I am totally and completely okay with that.
Life has an interesting way of reminding us that all of the old, over-done clichés are true. That the fact that you’re alive is something to be celebrated, that nothing gold can stay. That yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and that today really is a gift, and that’s why it’s called the present. Two weeks ago, my definition of “bad day” was redefined. Two weeks ago, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling sorry for someone who really needed it. I’ve been very blessed my whole life with the gift of words, and not just any words, but the right words. I have always known what to say to someone to make them feel better. Two weeks ago, my words were taken from me, and I realized that without them, there was nothing I could do except cry.
I don’t know what the harder lesson to learn in this life is: the fact that there are some experiences that I must face alone, or that there are some experiences that someone I love must face alone. The thing about grief is that it changes things, it changes people. When you’re grieving, music sounds different, food tastes different, the air smells different. Everyday tasks become robotic. Get up. Get dressed. Fix breakfast. Go to work. Work. Come home from work. Try to eat. Try to watch TV. Try to talk to someone. Sleep. Two weeks ago, my best friend became my grieving friend, and my words weren’t enough.
One of the most upsetting things about grief is that it takes the light out of everything. Activities that you used to love become pointless. Why shop when she is gone? Why sing when she is gone? The most unfair thing about losing someone we love is that when that person passes away, we don’t, and we have to keep going without them. Must keep breathing. Must keep smiling. Must keep working. Must. Function.
One of the neat things about grief though, is that it allows you to see what you are capable of. It’s truly a test for the strong ones. As I’ve stood on the outside of my friend’s grief, I’ve made a few observations. One: her family is amazing. It’s been quite amazing to watch them band together in their time of sorrow and show such great love and care for the sister who has passed. It has been stunning to see the way in which they carry each other, the way they bear their own grief as well as the grief and sorrow of each other. The second thing I’ve noticed is that my friend is stronger than she thinks she is. I’ve always known that she possessed something special inside her, so I’m not surprised that she has risen to this challenge so bravely, but it is still amazing to see how the gifts we have been blessed with present themselves when we need them most.
Wikipedia defines friendship as “a type of companionship that a human towards another human being can have. It is a bond in which one person has a feeling toward another person. Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. It is a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect, along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty towards each other.” I am so lucky to have been blessed with the friendships that I have in my life. I haven’t always had friends that fit this description; in fact I think I managed to find a few friends that were the exact opposite off that description. I am grateful for those friends too; it’s because of them that I am able to realize just how extraordinary it is to find someone who would do anything for you. It’s not easy to find a friend that will bring you a pepsi when you’re sick, or visit you at work when you’re bored. A friend that will spend months concocting a birthday present for you. A friend that will send you a handwritten letter. A friend that will stay up late watching movies with you. A friend whose love crosses county and state lines. A friend who has been there for you in your most trying times and a friend who will continue to be there for all of your trials to come. A friend that isn’t afraid to stand up for you, who isn’t ashamed to be with you (even when you’re wearing your mumu). A friend that will bear your griefs as her own. A friend that cries for you when you can’t cry anymore.
I sometimes wonder what my purpose here on earth is. Am I destined to be a wife and mother? Am I destined to be famous? Am I destined to be a spinster forever? What I have never questioned though, is my ability to love, and to love unconditionally. My ability to see the good in others. My ability to know which words to use, and when to use them. My ability to recognize when someone is hurting. The sympathy and empathy I feel for those that I love. My honesty, even when the truth hurts. My understanding. When I gather all those factors together and form a list, what that list consists of is qualities that make a really great friend. Maybe that is my “destiny”, if such a thing even exists. Maybe I am destined to be everyone’s friend. There was a time when I detested being known as “the friend”, but maybe I was just looking at it from the wrong angle. I used to always feel like a chump, because in relationships, friend or otherwise, I was always the more loving/caring/giving. There’s a song lyric that I think about often that says, “I believe that my life is going to see the love I give returned to me”, and I think that is exactly what has happened in my life. All of the past “friends” who took me for granted have dropped off, weeded themselves out. And what I am left with is a handful of amazing, strong people who I know feel exactly the same way about me as I do about them. Maybe it is my destiny to be a forever friend. Maybe, just maybe, I am totally and completely okay with that.
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