waiters and spiders.

shananagins in my life often come in the form of waiters. just ask anyone who has ever gone out to dinner with me. it is usually the worst with kenny and i, we seem to always get the weirdest of the weird. but last night was one for the books. samantha and i went to the cheesecake factory, and the rest, well... here it is.
i don't remember the poor guy's name, but it started off badly when he had to write down our drink order. sam was like "he isn't going to last a second at this table, he just had to write down our drink order for two waters". then he starts to tell us about the soup of the day for tuesday which is cream of mushroom. but he is giving this speech (the "tuesday cream of mushroom" speech) and he starts mumbling about how tuesdays are his favorite day b/c it's mushroom soup day or something? all i could really decipher was the word "tuesday" which he said about nine times in 23 seconds. he just started rapid firing the word "tuesday". bewildered, i was. his next favorite word was "navigate" which i could tell he thought he was so clever for using. example: "you two ladies need help navigating the menu?" or "can i assist you in some navigation of the menu", etc. at this point, sam and i are aware that our dinner experience is just going to be straight up nonsense. let me also inform you that the table behind us is discussing politics, the classic obama v. mccain duel. they are of course sorely misinformed on every topic and loud as all get out. the table in front of us is discussing filet mignon and their friend amanda, who thought filet mignon was fish! you can imagine how silly amanda is in person, can't you? there have been three birthday songs, and you know how those get me going on the worst rampage. amidst the circus, our waiter walks by with a piece of cheesecake and stops by our table and holds it in front of our faces. he crosses his legs, leans on the pillar and says "white chocolate raspberry cheesecake... our number two most requested cheesecake. just wanted to let you ladies see what you're missing so you can save room for dessert" and walks away. i wanted to die, really. are you kidding me? i couldn't even look at samantha during this fiasco. don't taunt me with another man's dessert!! when we're done eating, he packs sam's cheese pizza into a nice to-go box and then he comes back with it, and does the crossy-legs, lean-on-the pillar business and has the bag in one hand and he tries to pull out the menu and flip to the dessert page with his other hand, just one hand. so he is like, leaning and using his left hand to open this menu/book ordeal and his hand is totally twisted into this claw affair and i'm just thinking "just set down the bag!" then he gives us this speech "you know, here at cheesecake factory, we're famous, and rightly so, for one thing... and that's cheesecake" i cut him off here bc i really couldnt handle anymore at that point so i just tell him our order. we did not, much to his dismay, go with the second most requested cheesecake, we decide on the brownie sundae. i tell the wiater this and he's like "the brownie sundae cheesecake?" and i'm like "no, just the godiva brownie sundae" and he's like "the godiva brownie sundae cheesecake?" and i'm like "no, 'tis not a cheeesecake, my firend, just the regular dessert" (which he could not fathom by the way). so he brings us our dessert and sets it between the two of us and spins it all the way around- a complete 180 (or 360, i'm not really sure) just so we can get a good look at the brilliant craftsmanship of the sundae. then he proceeds to watch us take the first bite, like his face is like level with our table. i'm like "you're dismissed, thank you." then he does one of those "how is everything looking, you guys sure know how to pack away the desserts... har har har, sigh" i don't know who told waiters that it is flattering to girls to tell them how impressed they are with how much we can eat, but they were sorely misinformed. don't get me wrong, i like to impress the males, but not with my dessert eating skills.
i don't know if any of this comes across as funny or ridiculous as it was in person, but it was a straight up, classic waiter fiasco. oh, i also hope i didn't come across as rude or beastly, as i am neither. you just have to understand the situation and know that there was no way we could have taken him seriously.
the best part of the night was perhaps when samantha was attacked by a spider. it all started when we were outside her house and walking to my car and there was this huge spidey on her light pole and she was like "please come and observe the hugest spider you've ever seen" and i was like "you better kill that b/c once it is done with that pole, it is headed straight for your room and it's gonna lay eggs on your face". seriously it was a pregnant spider b/c she had like this huge bulb on her butt and i'm telling sam, that is where she holds the babies. sam decides to spare spidey's life but when i unlock my car door and my lights come on, they highlight this string of silver right in front of sams face and i am like... what the? so i'm about to tell her to step back just as she feels something on her and starts rubbing her face frantically and i am like "you just stepped into a string of spider web" and i am pretty sure that mistress spidey heard us plotting her demise, and being insanely unbalanced like she is, she shot a web out at us. i mean, clearly she knew what she was doing. i have to say, i would have done the same thing had i heard two girls plotting not only my death, but also the death of my loved ones (i.e. the baby eggs on her bulb). when i talked to sam today she said that she checked her entire body last night for spiders. is that like, instant karma for laughing at our waiter? i hope not. i don't really feel like spending my wednesday looking around for spiders droppin' eggs on me. that would really put a hitch in my giddyup.