my best friend's wedding.

samantha got married! which is weird bc i have known her since she was 16. we've talked numerous times about boys and how we are never going to find the "right" one, how we are going to be spinsters/cat ladies together. oh, and members of the red hat society. but alas, those plans have been thwarted, as she has left me to reign in cat lady land alone. i forgive her, though. i got to help make stuff for the wedding, like crafts and cupcakes, which was really fun. sam is in amsterdam right now with her husband (still sounds weird) justin.

i got to oversee the frosting/sprinkling of the cupcakes. sam mixed up the beautiful colors.


sam and grandma betty, who is the patron saint of cupcakes. she made them all along with the frosting-from scratch. she really is a saint.


sam and i at the wedding. she had a beatle's themed wedding which, as far as weddings go, is a pretty awesome theme. it was fun to see the crafts that i helped with all on display. everything looked really amazing. she walked down the aisle to "all you need is love" which was pretty awesome too.

jessica, me, and erica. jessica is my sister for life bc she knows the joy of the jonai as i do. on friday night during the "rehearsal" dinner, sam, jess, and i were talking and uncle tracy asked sam who her favorite jonas is.

sam: nick! all the way.

jess: mine is joe.

(no, mine is joe. but i didn't say anything)

sam: ooohhhhh, gabby likes joe! you guys have to battle it out now.

jess: that's ok, i can have kevin instead. i'll take one for the team.

idk why, but that really meant alot to me. haha it sounds stupid, it probably is stupid, since none of us GET any of the jonai. but she so willingly let me have joe, no question. jess is pretty much the coolest, not just bc she takes one for the team, but bc she makes bank working at costco making pizzas in L.A. secretly, i am jealous of her pizza girl status.

well, pretty much the cutest bride and groom ever. this isn't a great representation of the photo since you can see my reflection in it, but i love this photo so much, i had to take a pic of it.

samantha and justin.

these past few weeks have been weird for me kind of. i'm saying goodbye to alot of stuff. i have like, five, maybe six girls that i consider to be in my inner circle. i am losing four of them within a month. sandee just moved with her family to utah. malia is moving to boston next month so her very smart husband can go to harvard. leslie is getting married on thursday. samantha just got married. it's an epidemic i tell you. people are leaving me all over the place. i don't know how to feel about it all, or if i should feel anything at all since there's little i can do to stop what is happening. lots of emotions attached to each person, and it just feels like a part of my life is ending when they leave. i'm getting older, and i can't stop it. the time to act like a grown up is now. and, truth be told, i HATE it more than anything.

gone are the days where summer meant no school, eating popsicles by the pool, and requesting my favorite song on the radio. not that i don't love my life right now, because i do, but sometimes i miss those days. there's no cure for getting older. i can't fight it, i might as well embrace it.

exoh,

gabby.

my state of mind has finally got the best of me.

there's a strange sort of feeling that comes over me when i realize that something is over. it's a feeling that is hard to identify or label. it's not sadness, happiness, nor content. it's a very solemn, almost empty feeling... maybe a bit calming? relief?

whether it's friendships or other sorts of "ships", school or even a t.v. show, when something ends, i get that same sort of feeling. happy to reflect on memories stored in the files of my mind, sad to close a chapter, unwilling to let go, unable to stay, and uncertain of the future. not sure what that closed door means... does it mean that another door opens? and if another door does open, am i going to like what experiences come with that new opportunity? it's times like these that i am reminded that growing up never really gets easier, you're problems just adapt to your age. like when i think back to 2003, for example, and the problems i faced then i would gladly tackle those problems now. if i think back even further to high school, the "problems" i faced then are almost laughable to me now (almost). sometimes i like to cheer myself up by telling myself "in a year these problems of yours will be a cake walk, miss walz", and for a moment my fears and worries subside and i am able to prance around and be silly and carefree, and most of the time that's what i am. yet here i sit on the eve of my 25th year and there are some "issues" that i feel consumed by, that overwhelm me. at times i feel at peace b/c i know in six months time these "issues" will be a small spot in my past, just another story for the books but at the same time i worry about what new issues will present themselves. why is it that we always feel we are at our limit?
what started off as a rant about closure has turned into a quite depressing rant about time, sorry, i'll head back to the original idea. just recently i've closed off a part of my life and it just hit me today that it is over. this time the decision was mine and i'm greatful for that at least, but still, there are times when i catch myself dissecting that relationship. i'm not sure what i'm looking for, really. i just find myself searching for a moment where maybe i was given a clue as to how it would all turn out, or maybe there was a moment where i could have said something but didn't, more likely is the chance that i said something and should have held my tongue. then i start rehashing scenarios and conversations, reading over letters or text messages and journals, looking at photos... if i let myself i could be totally swept away studying moments from the past. but just barely i thought to myself "what's the point?" i can read letters, i can hilight sentences and analyze them, i can remember conversations or events that took place but the "evidence" of love that i find won't change the outcome. it's like.... finding a dead body and doing a bunch of detective work to find out how the person was killed and why they died and if you could have done anything to save the person. at the end of all that time and research, you've still got a dead body. placing the blame on someone doesn't un-do what has been done, it doesn't change the decisions that were made. yep... still no pulse.
something i've learned, or maybe just realized, is that sometimes things just happen. sometimes things just don't work out. sometimes there is nothing more that i could have done. pouring over letters and conversations isn't going to do anything except make me feel worse.

it's a sad day when i realize i have to be a grown up. i realized it years ago, but it still feels like i just figured it out yesterday. i still feel brand new.

lyrics of the day:
"So with dignity and grace, you have to erase
All the things in your mind that replay, and replay, and replay.
The things that made you cry, that you forgave, you let go by,
Or you will push the one you love out of your life."
-maria taylor.