there is zero point to this post, but i felt like writing. you've been warned.

Lately I have been trying my hardest not to use the word “hate”. I think it’s in poor taste to use the word, even though more than half the time that I use it, I don’t mean it. That may actually make the usage of the word more unnecessary than it already is. It sounds tacky to me, on top of being harsh, and I just think it is bad karma. Most of the things I “hate” I don’t have any control over anyways, hating them doesn’t make that any less easy to accept.
Having said that… yesterday I went to the dentist to get a crown on my tooth. A couple of months ago, I would have said that I hate the dentist. Today I am compromising and saying that I have a severe disliking for the place. I’m the person who has a mini heart attack every six months when I get a cleaning. By the way, after yesterday’s crown fiasco, I am all clear in the tooth department and have vowed to brush and floss after every meal/snack/sugar drink so I should never have to get a cavity again. Meaning I should never have to avoid the dentist and let said cavity get so bad that I have to get a root canal and a crown. Fingers crossed.

Other words/phrases I use to replace “hate”:

-“dislike” (obviously).
-“severely annoyed by….”
-“have an extremely low tolerance for…”
And, if I must, “detest”, which I realize might actually be worse than “hate”, but it sounds prettier, doesn’t it?

I will use them all in regards to dentistry. Here we go. I dislike going to the dentist. I am severely annoyed by having to keep my mouth open for two and a half hours straight, and furthermore I have an extremely low tolerance for the shrill noise the drills make whilst dr. dentist is banging round inside my mouth. Now, if you had to picture me saying that, wouldn’t I be in a classy club somewhere, lunching with friends, wearing pearls and lip gloss? The old me would have said “I frigging hate the dentist more than anything in the world. I am going to die” Where do you picture me when I say that sentence? That’s right, standing in line for the crane game at a wal-mart.

Another poor habit I have picked up as of late, is saying that I am going to kill myself in regards to any and every thing. I don’t know where or how this started, I just know that it has become my standard answer for every situation. I remember telling my friend one time that if something happened (don’t even remember what), I would jump off a bridge. (obviously I have no intentions of doing so, but whatever. I’m dramatic.) When she said to me, “you can’t say that!” I said, “yes I can, because no one that we know has jumped off a bridge”.
While we’re at work, my brother makes a game of trying to annoy me. He actually doesn’t have to try that hard because I get annoyed fairly easily at work. One of the ways he likes to bug me is by asking me what weapon I would use to defend myself if there was a zombie apocalypse. (Ridiculous) My answer always was nothing, I would just kill myself. If the world was being over run by zombies, I would just die, the end. I’m definately not going to be some zombie’s play thing. He gets so frustrated by that answer, and I kind of understand because it does ruin the game. The last time he asked me I finally answered, “a baseball bat with glass shards at the end of it…”, and he honestly looked so truly happy that I answered. He had the hugest smile on his face as he said, “that’s a great answer!”. I could tell he thought, “ha ha! I have finally gotten through to her! She has learned well from watching me play video games!” I waited about thirty seconds before I added “… to kill myself with!” I thought it was pretty funny, but he was not amused.
This particular instance led my brother to bring up my habit the other night while my family was eating dinner. He was saying how I say that so often that it has just lost its meaning by now. I guess I didn’t really realize how much I say it and for what types of silly instances. I argued with him about it for a little bit before I looked at the clock and saw what time it was (8:37). I didn’t even think before I said: “If it is seriously 8:37 right now, I’m gonna kill myself”, and that’s when I decided that I say it WAY too much without having any intention of doing so, and that it too needed to stop. I haven’t thought of another phrase to use in its place. Maybe I should just try being happy about everything that happens to me, and say something great like “I have to run for 45 minutes on the elliptical?! That makes me want to run in a field of daisies!” “If I have to go to the dentist, then you might as well sign me up to do charity work at the same time! LIFE IS GREAT!” (side note: my life is actually pretty great, and I am aware of that).
Speaking of the gym… it has occurred to me as of late that during the last five minutes of my run, I become very emotional. I’m assuming this is because I am SO tired and I just can’t hold in any emotions at all, happy, sad, whatever. I watch tv at the gym, and last week I was watching some special on prince William and kate. They showed her with princess Diana’s ring on… I totally started crying. Beiber in my headphones (don’t judge), dead princess’s ring on tv, I’m a mess on the machine. Another example: I was watching the news on Saturday while I was running and all they did was show a clip of the new harry potter movie… tears running down my face. The gym makes me an emotional wreck, not even kidding.
The other night I was going through some old folders and I found a whole bunch of random things that I didn’t even know existed. Stories and songs I have written (do not remember writing songs, but in ’08 I did, and they’re actually not terrible), my quote book, and also a list of new year’s resolutions for last year. It’s totally crazy, but I read over the very modest list of three things, and for the first time in my life, I accomplished them all. I kept looking at them thinking that I must have been crazy when I selected those few things because they are things that are very easy for me now that we are in November. Didn’t I want a challenge back in January? Or was I just so sick of failing that I wanted to give myself a break? I went through my journal and started reading entries from this time last year, and I realized that in January, all three of those things seemed impossible to me. In my journal I wrote, “there’s no way I’m going to accomplish any of these”. I am still blown away that I did it, and even though the changes that those three goals brought about are small, they are extremely significant in my life. It kind of makes me excited to set three new goals for 2011, now that I know I’m capable of achieving them. I’m going to try to be realistic though. (Ex-nay on wishing to lose 50 pounds.)
Thanksgiving is here, Christmas will be along shortly, and then it’s new year’s eve. I honestly cannot handle how fast time flies. I swear, I’ll blink and be fifty. Hopefully not living alone, dressed in a mumu surrounded by cats.