closure.

"Ross... hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that... everything's fine, and I'm really happy for you, and your cat, who by the way I think you should name 'Michael'. So you see there, I'm thinking of names, so obviously I'm over you... I'm. Over. You. And that, my friend, is what they call 'closure'."

closure is a funny thing. i've just googled it, for research purposes, and i've noticed that no less than ten bands have songs with the word "closure" in the title. that doesn't even count the hundreds, probably thousands of songs that are written about closure. i don't know if there's a way to look that up, but i bet that number is up there pretty high. i've just been thinking about what closure is really; what it means. and how do i know i've achieved it?

i wish closure was a phonecall. i wish closure was a voice mail or a text message, or even an email. i wish closure was a picture. i wish closure was achieved when someone treated me poorly, even one time. i wish days away from someone equalled closure (once you reach "30", it's a done deal). i wish weeks away did. if it can't be days or weeks, then months and years. why is it that i can achieve closure with some people after one incident, while i hang onto others for years sometimes? i guess closure, like time, is a funny thing; when it comes right down to it, it's not really measured by numbers at all.

when friends was first shown on tv, i was pretty young. too young to understand everything that they were talking about, that's for sure, but one episode from my youth always stuck out to me. it was odd, but at times during my day, i would find myself reciting rachel's words in my head whenever i was "over" someone or something. "and THAT, my friend, is CUH-LOWSURE", i would say to myself, sometimes outloud. unfortunately, i've never had the chance to actually tell someone off to their face (i quite often tell people off, but they're never around to hear it), but if i ever do get the chance, i know for a fact that i'm going to end my rant with those words. in the episode, ross has just moved in with his new girfriend julie and rachel, in an attempt to move on from ross, goes on a date with michael (unsuspecting victim). she has a bit too much to drink, and ends up borrowing a cell phone to call ross in the middle of her date. she gets his machine and leaves a foolish, drunken message about her definition of closure. of course in the morning she remembers none of it, and it actually turns out that she definately is not over him. so i guess drunken phone messages don't mean closure either, not even in tv world.

it really is a chore being me, i'll tell you that for free. at times i make things harder than they have to be, and i am super critical of myself always. i'm not super obsessive over the person i like or anything, and i definately am not the crazy stalker girl who lurks facebook all day to see what people write on his page, but i do like to define things. i like to talk about things, and i definately need closure when it's over. if i am summing this up for you, i am basically a guy's worst nightmare (i am defining "guy" by example here. i can only go by what i know). in my experience, guys like to define almost nothing as far as relationships go ("it's just kissing, why does it have to mean something?"), talk about almost nothing that is bothering you, definately the "ignore it and it will go away" business (which NEVER works. i'll let you in on a secret, it doesn't go away, it festers and comes out three months later over dinner, sometimes in public.), and aren't really into the whole closure thing. it seems to me it's sort of a "when i'm done, i'm out" type of scenario. this, i can't handle. i'd rather have someone insult me to my face, and tell me that everything is my fault (even if it isn't). when that happens, it becomes very easy for me very quickly to let that person go. when there is no fight, and there is no blame, no name calling; when things just stop, for no reason at all, i have a very hard time letting go. i have a hard time accepting the "there's no reason" speech. i don't sit and think about that person all the time or anything, but when i don't have closure, a small part of me tends to still hold on to them. my grip isn't tight, it's soft and subtle, but it's still there. it's funny how i can go months without realizing it, but something always happens to remind me that i'm still holding on. i need to let go regardless of if the other person hasn't, but especially if they have. the thing about letting go, about closure, is it has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with yourself. i need to let go for me.

i have this scenario that plays in my mind often of me driving away from someone. anyone, really, in my thoughts they don't have a face. i am just driving, driving, further away. i can see them, still see them. they get smaller and smaller until i can't tell them from the rest of the scenery behind me. it all just blends together as part of where i used to be, part of my past. maybe closure is just that, driving away from someone and not looking back. maybe closure is looking forward. maybe closure is letting go, and not just loosening my grip. not a phonecall, or an insult, or even an event. maybe it's just opening my palm and letting them go until they become part of the scenery.

and that, my friends, is closure.