According to wikipedia, the current source of my information, grief is “a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed”. Leave it to wikipedia to spread something out in its most simplest of terms. Wiki goes on to tell me that, “although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, [grief] also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions”. I guess I should thank wikipedia for the explanation, because right now I can’t find one of my own.
Life has an interesting way of reminding us that all of the old, over-done clichés are true. That the fact that you’re alive is something to be celebrated, that nothing gold can stay. That yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and that today really is a gift, and that’s why it’s called the present. Two weeks ago, my definition of “bad day” was redefined. Two weeks ago, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling sorry for someone who really needed it. I’ve been very blessed my whole life with the gift of words, and not just any words, but the right words. I have always known what to say to someone to make them feel better. Two weeks ago, my words were taken from me, and I realized that without them, there was nothing I could do except cry.
I don’t know what the harder lesson to learn in this life is: the fact that there are some experiences that I must face alone, or that there are some experiences that someone I love must face alone. The thing about grief is that it changes things, it changes people. When you’re grieving, music sounds different, food tastes different, the air smells different. Everyday tasks become robotic. Get up. Get dressed. Fix breakfast. Go to work. Work. Come home from work. Try to eat. Try to watch TV. Try to talk to someone. Sleep. Two weeks ago, my best friend became my grieving friend, and my words weren’t enough.
One of the most upsetting things about grief is that it takes the light out of everything. Activities that you used to love become pointless. Why shop when she is gone? Why sing when she is gone? The most unfair thing about losing someone we love is that when that person passes away, we don’t, and we have to keep going without them. Must keep breathing. Must keep smiling. Must keep working. Must. Function.
One of the neat things about grief though, is that it allows you to see what you are capable of. It’s truly a test for the strong ones. As I’ve stood on the outside of my friend’s grief, I’ve made a few observations. One: her family is amazing. It’s been quite amazing to watch them band together in their time of sorrow and show such great love and care for the sister who has passed. It has been stunning to see the way in which they carry each other, the way they bear their own grief as well as the grief and sorrow of each other. The second thing I’ve noticed is that my friend is stronger than she thinks she is. I’ve always known that she possessed something special inside her, so I’m not surprised that she has risen to this challenge so bravely, but it is still amazing to see how the gifts we have been blessed with present themselves when we need them most.
Wikipedia defines friendship as “a type of companionship that a human towards another human being can have. It is a bond in which one person has a feeling toward another person. Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. It is a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect, along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty towards each other.” I am so lucky to have been blessed with the friendships that I have in my life. I haven’t always had friends that fit this description; in fact I think I managed to find a few friends that were the exact opposite off that description. I am grateful for those friends too; it’s because of them that I am able to realize just how extraordinary it is to find someone who would do anything for you. It’s not easy to find a friend that will bring you a pepsi when you’re sick, or visit you at work when you’re bored. A friend that will spend months concocting a birthday present for you. A friend that will send you a handwritten letter. A friend that will stay up late watching movies with you. A friend whose love crosses county and state lines. A friend who has been there for you in your most trying times and a friend who will continue to be there for all of your trials to come. A friend that isn’t afraid to stand up for you, who isn’t ashamed to be with you (even when you’re wearing your mumu). A friend that will bear your griefs as her own. A friend that cries for you when you can’t cry anymore.
I sometimes wonder what my purpose here on earth is. Am I destined to be a wife and mother? Am I destined to be famous? Am I destined to be a spinster forever? What I have never questioned though, is my ability to love, and to love unconditionally. My ability to see the good in others. My ability to know which words to use, and when to use them. My ability to recognize when someone is hurting. The sympathy and empathy I feel for those that I love. My honesty, even when the truth hurts. My understanding. When I gather all those factors together and form a list, what that list consists of is qualities that make a really great friend. Maybe that is my “destiny”, if such a thing even exists. Maybe I am destined to be everyone’s friend. There was a time when I detested being known as “the friend”, but maybe I was just looking at it from the wrong angle. I used to always feel like a chump, because in relationships, friend or otherwise, I was always the more loving/caring/giving. There’s a song lyric that I think about often that says, “I believe that my life is going to see the love I give returned to me”, and I think that is exactly what has happened in my life. All of the past “friends” who took me for granted have dropped off, weeded themselves out. And what I am left with is a handful of amazing, strong people who I know feel exactly the same way about me as I do about them. Maybe it is my destiny to be a forever friend. Maybe, just maybe, I am totally and completely okay with that.
2.26.2010
you know i'm a dreamer, but my heart is of gold.
"A good writer writes well about what he knows.
A great writer writes even better about what he doesn’t."
-Alicia Law
It’s hard to say for sure, but it’s probable that my greatest wish in life is to be a writer. I should rephrase that, because I feel like I am already a writer. I want to be a published writer. It seems like I am constantly writing, every minute of every day. Aside from the two or three letters that I write daily, my mind is always filled with words. I’ve often found it fascinating how musicians are able to write songs. Sometimes I listen to a song and think, “how can someone possibly write these words?” And then I realize that musicians are probably constantly writing songs in their head, just as I am constantly writing stories in my head. In a way, my stories have saved me. Growing up, when someone was mean to me, or when, tragically, I had a crush on someone and they saw me as “just a friend” (ah, the woes of high school love), I would go home, get out a notebook, and write a story about it. The difference between the story I wrote and the real-life outcome of my experiences was that my stories always gave me a happy ending. I was able to write myself out of the reality that I lived in and create a world in which I was the hero, I was the winner, I was the cherished one. I know there are some out there who would question whether or not it is a good idea for a person to create alternate realities for themselves, but for me, it helped me deal with the experiences that I was having. It made not getting what I want just a bit easier.
As far back as I can remember I have been a dreamer. It is one of the things that I love most about myself, although at times it does make my reality harder to swallow. When I was five, I confessed to the entire graduating kindergarten class (and all their families) that I, Gabrielle Walz, wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up. Imagine my disappointment when I realized that my dream was never going to become a reality (that doesn’t mean that I didn’t slip a diving ring around my ankles in the pool and pretend that my legs were fins, because I did). In junior high, I believed very much in true love, and soul mates. One can only assume that I was heartbroken when the boy I thought I was going to marry was laughing about me behind my back. In high school, I became a bit more realistic about love, although I was still in the mindset that I would be married at 18 like my mother, and that I would have a daughter at age 20. As you can see, I’ve been setting myself up for disappointments for a long time now, not on purpose but mostly as a result of my own naive ness and genuine misunderstanding of how the world works.
I think it was around my 23rd year on this planet that I decided that marriage and motherhood may not come as quickly as I had hoped, if ever. It was also around that time that I decided I was going to be a writer. An event took place that completely turned my whole world upside down, and I remember sitting in my bed thinking, “I have to write this story”. It’s not so much that I felt like everyone needed to know what happened to me, but more so that I felt like I needed to know what happened to me. I needed to remember that I survived. It took me 23 years to realize that a mermaid is not really what I wanted to be when I grew up; I wanted to be a writer. Not as hard to achieve as a mermaid would be, but nearly as realistic.
Mermaid. Teacher. Actress. Mom. Swimmer. Talk show host. Hair stylist. Make-up artist. Mom. Wife. Wizard. Mom. Wife. Writer. From the age of five, I’ve changed my “what I want to be when I grow up” story multiple times, which has prompted me more than once to wonder if I am really ever going to be what I want to be when I “grow up”. Even more than that, it’s made me wonder if there’s a point to ever wanting to be anything. It’s been hard for me not to become a bit cold or callous towards things like love, dreams, and desires, particularly because I don’t know much about achieving them, I only have the experience of them being denied me. It’s made writing my story very difficult as of late, because I find myself not knowing which story to write, or if I should even be writing my own story right now. I feel panic and pressure because I realize I am no spring chicken, I am 25 and unmarried, practically a menace to society. There comes a time when I’ve got to just stop talking and start doing (if only it were that easy, right?). It was the quote at the top of this page that got me thinking that my story doesn’t have to be my personal story. Maybe what I need to do right now is write someone else’s story.
One of the most frustrating things to me is that I know I can do this, and the only thing that is stopping me is fear. I am afraid of not being good enough. It makes me wonder how I can still be worried about being good enough. I would have figured that I would be over that fear by now. I suppose the fear of being “good enough” for someone or something never really leaves us, and in that respect, we still have some growing up to do.
I’m adding something to the list of things I want to be when I grow up: “DREAMER”. Because when I look at that list as a dreamer, it doesn’t seem so impossible. There will always be a part of me that longs to breathe under water, or longs to take on the lives of others in front of a camera, or clean my room with the wave of a wand. I take comfort in knowing that even if those things aren’t possible in this world, I can create a world in which they are possible.
Heaven help me if I am ever quoting Motley Crue in my life, but the lyrics to their song “Home Sweet Home” are actually quite good. “You know I’m a dreamer/But my heart is of gold/You know that I’ve seen/Too many romantic dreams/Up in lights, falling off the silver screen/My heart is like an open book/For the whole world to read/Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams/I’m on my way/Just set me free/I’m on my way/Home sweet home”
A great writer writes even better about what he doesn’t."
-Alicia Law
It’s hard to say for sure, but it’s probable that my greatest wish in life is to be a writer. I should rephrase that, because I feel like I am already a writer. I want to be a published writer. It seems like I am constantly writing, every minute of every day. Aside from the two or three letters that I write daily, my mind is always filled with words. I’ve often found it fascinating how musicians are able to write songs. Sometimes I listen to a song and think, “how can someone possibly write these words?” And then I realize that musicians are probably constantly writing songs in their head, just as I am constantly writing stories in my head. In a way, my stories have saved me. Growing up, when someone was mean to me, or when, tragically, I had a crush on someone and they saw me as “just a friend” (ah, the woes of high school love), I would go home, get out a notebook, and write a story about it. The difference between the story I wrote and the real-life outcome of my experiences was that my stories always gave me a happy ending. I was able to write myself out of the reality that I lived in and create a world in which I was the hero, I was the winner, I was the cherished one. I know there are some out there who would question whether or not it is a good idea for a person to create alternate realities for themselves, but for me, it helped me deal with the experiences that I was having. It made not getting what I want just a bit easier.
As far back as I can remember I have been a dreamer. It is one of the things that I love most about myself, although at times it does make my reality harder to swallow. When I was five, I confessed to the entire graduating kindergarten class (and all their families) that I, Gabrielle Walz, wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up. Imagine my disappointment when I realized that my dream was never going to become a reality (that doesn’t mean that I didn’t slip a diving ring around my ankles in the pool and pretend that my legs were fins, because I did). In junior high, I believed very much in true love, and soul mates. One can only assume that I was heartbroken when the boy I thought I was going to marry was laughing about me behind my back. In high school, I became a bit more realistic about love, although I was still in the mindset that I would be married at 18 like my mother, and that I would have a daughter at age 20. As you can see, I’ve been setting myself up for disappointments for a long time now, not on purpose but mostly as a result of my own naive ness and genuine misunderstanding of how the world works.
I think it was around my 23rd year on this planet that I decided that marriage and motherhood may not come as quickly as I had hoped, if ever. It was also around that time that I decided I was going to be a writer. An event took place that completely turned my whole world upside down, and I remember sitting in my bed thinking, “I have to write this story”. It’s not so much that I felt like everyone needed to know what happened to me, but more so that I felt like I needed to know what happened to me. I needed to remember that I survived. It took me 23 years to realize that a mermaid is not really what I wanted to be when I grew up; I wanted to be a writer. Not as hard to achieve as a mermaid would be, but nearly as realistic.
Mermaid. Teacher. Actress. Mom. Swimmer. Talk show host. Hair stylist. Make-up artist. Mom. Wife. Wizard. Mom. Wife. Writer. From the age of five, I’ve changed my “what I want to be when I grow up” story multiple times, which has prompted me more than once to wonder if I am really ever going to be what I want to be when I “grow up”. Even more than that, it’s made me wonder if there’s a point to ever wanting to be anything. It’s been hard for me not to become a bit cold or callous towards things like love, dreams, and desires, particularly because I don’t know much about achieving them, I only have the experience of them being denied me. It’s made writing my story very difficult as of late, because I find myself not knowing which story to write, or if I should even be writing my own story right now. I feel panic and pressure because I realize I am no spring chicken, I am 25 and unmarried, practically a menace to society. There comes a time when I’ve got to just stop talking and start doing (if only it were that easy, right?). It was the quote at the top of this page that got me thinking that my story doesn’t have to be my personal story. Maybe what I need to do right now is write someone else’s story.
One of the most frustrating things to me is that I know I can do this, and the only thing that is stopping me is fear. I am afraid of not being good enough. It makes me wonder how I can still be worried about being good enough. I would have figured that I would be over that fear by now. I suppose the fear of being “good enough” for someone or something never really leaves us, and in that respect, we still have some growing up to do.
I’m adding something to the list of things I want to be when I grow up: “DREAMER”. Because when I look at that list as a dreamer, it doesn’t seem so impossible. There will always be a part of me that longs to breathe under water, or longs to take on the lives of others in front of a camera, or clean my room with the wave of a wand. I take comfort in knowing that even if those things aren’t possible in this world, I can create a world in which they are possible.
Heaven help me if I am ever quoting Motley Crue in my life, but the lyrics to their song “Home Sweet Home” are actually quite good. “You know I’m a dreamer/But my heart is of gold/You know that I’ve seen/Too many romantic dreams/Up in lights, falling off the silver screen/My heart is like an open book/For the whole world to read/Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams/I’m on my way/Just set me free/I’m on my way/Home sweet home”
1.15.2010
perspective.
i got a daily calendar for christmas (shout out to chanel) entitled "3,650 things to be happy about". it is a little desk calendar in the shape of a sunshine, and on each day, it lists ten things to be happy about. i am fifteen days in, and everyday i have disagreed with at least one of the things listed. i'm not a debbie downer, i'm just stating facts here. so i started to make a game out of it, sort of. i would read the list, and then i would make my own list, which would be reasons why you would not be happy about the things listed. this sounds confusing, but there's a point, promise. here is today's list.
1. a potluck dinner.
reasons to be happy: you get to eat a bunch of good food with fun people.
reasons not to be happy: two reasons to not be happy about this one. one, i have to make something for a lot of people, and two, i have to eat the casarole that the cat lady brought.
2. buying in bulk
happy: bunch of groovy stuff for small prices.
not happy: throwing away uneaten food.
3. a bagpipe playing.
happy: you've got me on this one. but i'm guessing some people find it soothing? beautiful?
not happy: um... loud bagpipe-y noises.
4. cider-baked ham.
happy: it's delicious.
not happy: i hate ham. plus cider-baked burps.
5. alphabetized collections.
happy: oh, the organization!! oh, the joy of finding something when you need it.
not happy: the five hours it took you to organize it. and the re-working of the organization when you get a new cd, movie, etc.
6. the geology of yosemite.
happy: those huge rocks are quite majestic, aren't they?
not happy: who cares about a bunch of dirty rocks really?
7. periscopes.
happy: you can see far away like it's up close.
not happy: so can peeping toms.
8. drum lessons.
happy: you can become a really groovy drummer.
not happy: you can annoy everyone around you.
9. refuge on cape cod.
happy: lighthouses and sunsets by the ocean.
not happy: who can afford to go to cape cod when they need refuge. i seek refuge in my backyard.
10. soap opera synopses.
happy: ah... where else could you see someone marry their uncle and their twin brother, all while in a coma?
not happy: loss of brain cells.
right, so the list ends up being kind of a downer in the end, but here's the whole point of the thing... it gets me thinking every morning about how i have a choice. i can choose to be happy instead of unhappy. i can choose to laugh instead of cry. i can choose to smile instead of frown. i can choose to be bothered, and i can choose not to be bothered. it really puts things in perspective for me, and it's quite empowering. i choose how my day goes. i choose what kind of life i live.
i cannot choose what happens to me, but i can choose how i react. in life, we get dealt crappy hands sometimes. and alot of times, it seems a bit too much to handle. but it is our reaction to the things that happen to us that makes us who we are. we are not defined by events that take place in our lives, we are defined by what we do with what we are given.
i am not the girl who got picked on in school. i am not the girl who got in a car accident. i am not the girl who used to be friends with that other girl. i am not the girl who never has a boyfriend because all the boys she has liked never like her back. i am not the girl who is alone because all of her friends have moved away.
i am the girl who finds those who are picked on and befriends them. i am the girl who recovered. i am the girl who has a backbone. i am the girl who is independent, who doesn't define herself by who she is with. i am the girl who finds strength in the lonliness. i am a girl who can stand on her own two feet. i am a listener, a bleeding heart, a friend.
that ended up being a bit more "women's lib" than i originally intended, but don't worry, i'm still wearing a bra. i haven't burned it.
...yet.
1. a potluck dinner.
reasons to be happy: you get to eat a bunch of good food with fun people.
reasons not to be happy: two reasons to not be happy about this one. one, i have to make something for a lot of people, and two, i have to eat the casarole that the cat lady brought.
2. buying in bulk
happy: bunch of groovy stuff for small prices.
not happy: throwing away uneaten food.
3. a bagpipe playing.
happy: you've got me on this one. but i'm guessing some people find it soothing? beautiful?
not happy: um... loud bagpipe-y noises.
4. cider-baked ham.
happy: it's delicious.
not happy: i hate ham. plus cider-baked burps.
5. alphabetized collections.
happy: oh, the organization!! oh, the joy of finding something when you need it.
not happy: the five hours it took you to organize it. and the re-working of the organization when you get a new cd, movie, etc.
6. the geology of yosemite.
happy: those huge rocks are quite majestic, aren't they?
not happy: who cares about a bunch of dirty rocks really?
7. periscopes.
happy: you can see far away like it's up close.
not happy: so can peeping toms.
8. drum lessons.
happy: you can become a really groovy drummer.
not happy: you can annoy everyone around you.
9. refuge on cape cod.
happy: lighthouses and sunsets by the ocean.
not happy: who can afford to go to cape cod when they need refuge. i seek refuge in my backyard.
10. soap opera synopses.
happy: ah... where else could you see someone marry their uncle and their twin brother, all while in a coma?
not happy: loss of brain cells.
right, so the list ends up being kind of a downer in the end, but here's the whole point of the thing... it gets me thinking every morning about how i have a choice. i can choose to be happy instead of unhappy. i can choose to laugh instead of cry. i can choose to smile instead of frown. i can choose to be bothered, and i can choose not to be bothered. it really puts things in perspective for me, and it's quite empowering. i choose how my day goes. i choose what kind of life i live.
i cannot choose what happens to me, but i can choose how i react. in life, we get dealt crappy hands sometimes. and alot of times, it seems a bit too much to handle. but it is our reaction to the things that happen to us that makes us who we are. we are not defined by events that take place in our lives, we are defined by what we do with what we are given.
i am not the girl who got picked on in school. i am not the girl who got in a car accident. i am not the girl who used to be friends with that other girl. i am not the girl who never has a boyfriend because all the boys she has liked never like her back. i am not the girl who is alone because all of her friends have moved away.
i am the girl who finds those who are picked on and befriends them. i am the girl who recovered. i am the girl who has a backbone. i am the girl who is independent, who doesn't define herself by who she is with. i am the girl who finds strength in the lonliness. i am a girl who can stand on her own two feet. i am a listener, a bleeding heart, a friend.
that ended up being a bit more "women's lib" than i originally intended, but don't worry, i'm still wearing a bra. i haven't burned it.
...yet.
12.30.2009
someday at christmas...
...christmas '09 checklist...
(yup, counting myself as a unique photo...)
annoy everyone with "operation: foot fracture".
purchase (i.e. talk mum into purchasing) gorgeous black coat, wear around for the next three days. confused by the compliment given to me at breakfast from my brother in regards to my new jacket ("you're looking very derelict today"). what i thought he meant: "that new jacket is smashing on you!" what he actually meant "you look like a homeless person"
google "derelict" via cell phone. find, "a person abandoned by society, esp. a person without a permanent home and means of support; vagrant; bum".
try not to hunch over so much in my wheelchair, so as not to confirm my homeless status to anyone.
go to build-a-bear in downtown disney and build an owl. name him "owlvin".
overdose on mickey pretzels and cheese. slip soundly into food coma and die in the happiest place on earth.
....or not.
buy year round pass to disneyland as present to myself, plan on going once a month for an entire year.
...or not.
- "accidentally" fracture foot three days before we leave so i have to wear a stinky old boot around.
- as part two of said "foot fracture" operation, get wheeled around disneyland by my loving family.
- get pictures by/of my fave alice in wonderland-themed spots.
- get brothers to win me loads of stuffed treasures on the boardwalk.
- ride dumbo!
- watch fireworks on christmas eve.... and get snowed on!
- get "unique" photos of disney.
(yup, counting myself as a unique photo...)
- get a good seat for the electrical parade.
- get ignored by nearly everyone because nobody listens to me when i am so low to the ground.
- solidify invisibilty theory when i am "ran over" by baby toting female (who looks a bit like jennifer lopez to me) and huge black man.
- laugh uncontrolably when i realize that "baby toting female" is in fact jennifer lopez, and "huge black man" is her bodyguard.
- four celebrity sightings at christmas dinner, including j. lo, marc anthony, leah remini, and taboo from the black eyed peas, the only one that i had the courage to get a picture with (by "get a picture", i mean follow him out of the restaurant and down the hall, evesdropping on his conversation to make sure he wasn't going to punch me in the face when i asked for said picture.)
11.06.2009
sometimes silly stuff is worth writing about.
i guess there are some who might say it is a sad day when i can't be bothered to blog about anything else other than joe jonas's hair, but i think it's a vair good day when i can work a jonas into my blog. and i'll do it because a. it's my blog and i'll blog about nonsense if i want to and b. i am pretty convinced that no one reads this blog anyways, so it's really for my own benefit.
woo hoo, joe jonas got a hair cut! i'm love the new haircut although i am glad that when i met him his hair was long, like this:
(a wolf shirt?! what even?)
now it is perfectly coiffed like so:
forgive me if i am right, but, urm, you can't say he isn't a little bit dashing in this photo. you may hate disney teen stars, or maybe you just hate the jonas brothers in general... but i mean, as a human, he is top shelf in the gorgey porgey department, and i am not wrong there. (bonus points since he is wearing a v-neck, one of eight items that can make even the most unfortunate looking boy better looking.)
woo hoo, joe jonas got a hair cut! i'm love the new haircut although i am glad that when i met him his hair was long, like this:
(a wolf shirt?! what even?)now it is perfectly coiffed like so:
forgive me if i am right, but, urm, you can't say he isn't a little bit dashing in this photo. you may hate disney teen stars, or maybe you just hate the jonas brothers in general... but i mean, as a human, he is top shelf in the gorgey porgey department, and i am not wrong there. (bonus points since he is wearing a v-neck, one of eight items that can make even the most unfortunate looking boy better looking.)
10.11.2009
i love you, jason segel.
reasons i love jason segel:
9. when brody jenner has a show called "bromance", it's gay. when jason segel stars in a movie about bromance, it's amazingly awesome and hilarious.
11. and this picture:
1. he is the perfect size: tall, and slightly chubby.
2. he was in freaks & geeks. not only was he in it, but he played my favorite character, nick andopolis. nick is funny, has tons of basketball trophies, loves music, and freaking tears up the drums (see video below). plus, he wears these short shorts when he plays the drums because he doesn't like the friction that jeans cause on his thighs.
3. he plays the piano (my favorite), the drums, and the guitar. AND he writes music.
3. he plays the piano (my favorite), the drums, and the guitar. AND he writes music.
4. he loves disneyland, i love disneyland.
5. he plays my favorite character (marshall eriksen) on one of my favorite shows (how i met your mother). marshall (aka "marshmallow") is the best boyfriend/fiancee/husband ever. he loves christmas, he wears funny hats, and he sings everything that he does. plus, um, he's a lawyer, so he is super smart and will be super rich someday.
6. the slapsgiving song, written and performed by jason segel for how i met your mother (see video below):
7. he just teamed up with walt disney studios to write the next muppet movie.
8. he wrote and starred in one of my favorite movies ever, forgetting sarah marshall.
9. when brody jenner has a show called "bromance", it's gay. when jason segel stars in a movie about bromance, it's amazingly awesome and hilarious.
10. this picture:
11. and this picture:
12. two words: dracula musical (see video below):
le sigh.
10.08.2009
some doors are better left closed.
there's this thing that happens to me whenever i get the urge to start organizing my closet (or underneath my bed). i get the urge about every three months. i would get it more often, but the thing about closets is, there is a door on them. so even when it's a mess in there, you can close it and then say, "CLEAN!" it's a love/hate sort of fiasco, because behind the door i know there is a mess of shoes that i never wear, posters that used to be on my wall, and records that need to be organized (among other things), but for a while, the door appeases me. the thing that happens to me when i get the urge to do a martha stewart sort of organization thing is that i buy all new rubbermaid containers and get a trash bag out, determined to throw away what is old and useless and organize what isn't, but i open the closet door, get overwhelmed and decide that it's pointless to try and organize a mess that's been there for years. where do i even start? i mean, if i really dug around in there, i would find yearbooks and spanish papers from tenth grade, and notes from old bff's and a whole bunch of really depressing stuff. so, what happens is, i end up sighing, closing the door, and thinking "some doors are just better left closed". (*side note: i feel the need to say that my closet is actually an organized mess. all of my useless crap has a place. i'm not like, super messy or anything.)
lately that phrase has been popping into my mind alot, and it has me thinking. cleaning isn't the only love/hate relationship i have in my life (offhand excercising comes to mind, which i am currently avoiding)... i've also recently had a serious love/hate relationship with the internet, mainly facebook and blogs. on the one hand, i love things like facebook and blogs because it gives me a chance to stay in touch with people that i love in a world where i am busy most of the time. it is really convenient for me to just be able to logon and read about my cousins, or my friends that have moved away. it's also really nice to be able to send someone a message on facebook when i am thinking about them. i've always been better at expressing myself with words (no surprise there) so it's only natural that i would be attracted to these forms of communication.
lately, however, i hate facebook. blogging, not so much, but facebook kills me. i've been kind of staying away from it, logging on just once in a while to see if i've got a message or something, but everytime i am logged on, i get a rush of TMI. i was logged on for thirty five seconds today and i knew that so-and-so started a farm, so-and-so got shot in some mafia game, i found out where a crush from high school went on his honeymoon, about four people are sick, someone partied a little too hard last night, someone is still partying a little too hard.... this isn't even everything, it's just the beginning. again, i found myself thinking, "some doors should just stay closed". even though i knew these people at one point in my life, i may have even been so close to some of them that i loved them at one point, it doesn't mean i have to know what they had for dinner. i don't think i SHOULD know what they had for dinner, to be honest. sometimes we loose contact with people because that is what is supposed to happen after high school. i liked remembering my high school crush as he was, not married to someone and going on fantastical vacations (hate to admit it, but that hurt worse than it should have i think).
because of the amazing technology we have, we are able to connect with hundreds of thousands of people. we're able to meet people and make new friendships, which is a great thing. i've been really fortunate, i've met some of my closest friends over the internet, and i'm not really ashamed to admit that. but the downside to that technology is that it also aids us in holding on to the past. people who should have been let go a long time ago are just a mouse-click away. one click, and you can see into their whole lives; what they do for work (or don't do, as the case may be), who they married (or haven't married), how many kids they have (or don't have), what kind of car they drive (or bike they ride)... my point is, there are some people who i would love to know about. my cousin just got engaged: great! my best friend got accepted to the college that she applied to: smashing!my cousin got his mission call: hooray! my friend just had a baby: congratulations! on the other hand, there are things i don't care to know about. some kid from third grade likes rainstorms: what? someone i sat next to in home ec junior year is going to a party: why? so-and-so is a fan of something-or-other: WHO THE HELL CARES? i know this makes me sound a little bitter, and it is all kind of like, well if you hate it so much then delete your facebook, why don't you? the thing is, i know there is a happy in-between, i just don't know how to find it.
it used to be that high school friendships/relationships ended with "have an awesome summer! keep in touch!", and while there was sadness in saying goodbye, there was also a nice finality in those goodbyes. now it's more like "have a super fun summer, stalk you in the fall!!"
there are some people that i want to know about, that i don't mind knowing what they ate for lunch, or what they are a fan of. but there are some people that represent a certain time to me, and to know what they do on a daily basis kind of shatters that. there really is a certain pang that occurs when you find out that someone you like is setting up a date with someone else, or that the first boy you ever loved is having a magical life with his new wife. as humans, we are always hard on ourselves, it seems like we are constantly comparing our lives to other people's. now other people's lives are more accessable than ever, and it is easier to compare jobs, spouses, houses, children, etc. it can really make you feel like crap.
sometimes i still feel like a teenager in the sense that a text message can make my day, a small whisper can shatter my world, a picture can break my heart. i don't think i need the help of facebook.
some doors are better left closed. that way we don't have to see the mess that lies behind them.
lately that phrase has been popping into my mind alot, and it has me thinking. cleaning isn't the only love/hate relationship i have in my life (offhand excercising comes to mind, which i am currently avoiding)... i've also recently had a serious love/hate relationship with the internet, mainly facebook and blogs. on the one hand, i love things like facebook and blogs because it gives me a chance to stay in touch with people that i love in a world where i am busy most of the time. it is really convenient for me to just be able to logon and read about my cousins, or my friends that have moved away. it's also really nice to be able to send someone a message on facebook when i am thinking about them. i've always been better at expressing myself with words (no surprise there) so it's only natural that i would be attracted to these forms of communication.
lately, however, i hate facebook. blogging, not so much, but facebook kills me. i've been kind of staying away from it, logging on just once in a while to see if i've got a message or something, but everytime i am logged on, i get a rush of TMI. i was logged on for thirty five seconds today and i knew that so-and-so started a farm, so-and-so got shot in some mafia game, i found out where a crush from high school went on his honeymoon, about four people are sick, someone partied a little too hard last night, someone is still partying a little too hard.... this isn't even everything, it's just the beginning. again, i found myself thinking, "some doors should just stay closed". even though i knew these people at one point in my life, i may have even been so close to some of them that i loved them at one point, it doesn't mean i have to know what they had for dinner. i don't think i SHOULD know what they had for dinner, to be honest. sometimes we loose contact with people because that is what is supposed to happen after high school. i liked remembering my high school crush as he was, not married to someone and going on fantastical vacations (hate to admit it, but that hurt worse than it should have i think).
because of the amazing technology we have, we are able to connect with hundreds of thousands of people. we're able to meet people and make new friendships, which is a great thing. i've been really fortunate, i've met some of my closest friends over the internet, and i'm not really ashamed to admit that. but the downside to that technology is that it also aids us in holding on to the past. people who should have been let go a long time ago are just a mouse-click away. one click, and you can see into their whole lives; what they do for work (or don't do, as the case may be), who they married (or haven't married), how many kids they have (or don't have), what kind of car they drive (or bike they ride)... my point is, there are some people who i would love to know about. my cousin just got engaged: great! my best friend got accepted to the college that she applied to: smashing!my cousin got his mission call: hooray! my friend just had a baby: congratulations! on the other hand, there are things i don't care to know about. some kid from third grade likes rainstorms: what? someone i sat next to in home ec junior year is going to a party: why? so-and-so is a fan of something-or-other: WHO THE HELL CARES? i know this makes me sound a little bitter, and it is all kind of like, well if you hate it so much then delete your facebook, why don't you? the thing is, i know there is a happy in-between, i just don't know how to find it.
it used to be that high school friendships/relationships ended with "have an awesome summer! keep in touch!", and while there was sadness in saying goodbye, there was also a nice finality in those goodbyes. now it's more like "have a super fun summer, stalk you in the fall!!"
there are some people that i want to know about, that i don't mind knowing what they ate for lunch, or what they are a fan of. but there are some people that represent a certain time to me, and to know what they do on a daily basis kind of shatters that. there really is a certain pang that occurs when you find out that someone you like is setting up a date with someone else, or that the first boy you ever loved is having a magical life with his new wife. as humans, we are always hard on ourselves, it seems like we are constantly comparing our lives to other people's. now other people's lives are more accessable than ever, and it is easier to compare jobs, spouses, houses, children, etc. it can really make you feel like crap.
sometimes i still feel like a teenager in the sense that a text message can make my day, a small whisper can shatter my world, a picture can break my heart. i don't think i need the help of facebook.
some doors are better left closed. that way we don't have to see the mess that lies behind them.
10.07.2009
i've been staying away...
... why have i been hiding? i don't know. and i don't really feel like i've been hiding, for that matter. lately, i haven't really been interested in posting on this blog, and i don't know why that is. i've had lots of experiences worthy of a mention in a blog, but kind of felt like, c'est le point? erm, anyways. i really don't know why i am writing now except that i just read a little passage somewhere and thought it deserved a space on my blog. so i'm not going to go over what has happened to me since july 17 (although i will make quick mention that i did meet the jonas brothers..... best. day. ever., i decided what i want to be for halloween and have started working on my costume, and i had an interesting experience with a shrimp cocktail last weekend.) i don;t know what it is about this "poem" that caught my eye, it just kind of summed up how i've been feeling these past few months. where does the time go? why is it that nothing gold can stay? i watch people i love make the same mistakes over and over, and i can't do anything to stop it. where have my friends gone? i don't know them anymore. i continue to be baffled by the opposite sex, and the lack of just saying what you feel to someone else. when did words become weapons? why is a question an insult? why are we punished for wanting clarification? why do we make the same mistakes over and over again? why do i feel like i have to clean up other people's messes as well as my own? why do i have this sinking feeling that none of these questions have answers?
i am just going to post this little note and go. i don't know when i'll be back. maybe when i have something i want to say.
lollipops turn into cigarettes.
the innocent ones turn into sluts.
homework goes in the trash.
mobile phones are used in class.
detention becomes suspension.
soda becomes vodka.
bikes become cars.
kisses turn into sex.
remember when getting high meant swinging on a swing?
when protection meant wearing a helmet?
when the worst things you can get from boys were cooties?
dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero?
race issues were about who ran the fastest.
war was only a card game.
and the only drug you knew was cough medicine.
the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees.
and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.
and we couldn't wait to grow up.
i am just going to post this little note and go. i don't know when i'll be back. maybe when i have something i want to say.
lollipops turn into cigarettes.
the innocent ones turn into sluts.
homework goes in the trash.
mobile phones are used in class.
detention becomes suspension.
soda becomes vodka.
bikes become cars.
kisses turn into sex.
remember when getting high meant swinging on a swing?
when protection meant wearing a helmet?
when the worst things you can get from boys were cooties?
dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero?
race issues were about who ran the fastest.
war was only a card game.
and the only drug you knew was cough medicine.
the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees.
and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.
and we couldn't wait to grow up.
7.17.2009
what world is this?
last week i slept in my mutti's bed because my dad was out of town and she needed a bed mate. (she actually ended up being MY bedmate on account of the scorpinox that stung her face, but that's another fiasco all together) we were watching wizards of waverly place when i confided in her. it wasn't necessarily on purpose, the words sort of just came out. "i want to be a wizard so bad; almost as much as i want to be a vampire slayer".
dw being the kind-hearted mutti and bff that she is looked over at me and asked me very seriously, "what world do you live in?"
hmm... i don't really think i know.
i replied, though, by saying, "obviously i live in my own world, one in which i laugh at shows like this because i think they really are funny and not just stupid".
all of this talk got me thinking, and i remembered a scene from one of my favorite movies, alice in wonderland. it's right in the beginning when alice is sitting in the tree with her cat and her older sister is sitting beneath her reading a book out loud. alice is having a vair hard time paying attention, and big sis gets a bit frustrated with her.
"alice, would you kindly pay attention to your history lesson?" she says with an exhaustive sigh.
alice replies, frustrated, "but how can one possibly pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?"
"my dear child, there are a great many books in this world without pictures" (she's right, but that isn't the point, keep reading).
"in your world, perhaps. but in my world, the books would be nothing but pictures!" alice says, quite satisfied.
"your world?! ugh! what nonsense!" her sister laughs.
it is then that alice realizes that yes, if she had a world of her own, everything would be nonsense.
it's true there are things in "my" world that are completely nonsensical, like my desire to have magical powers or the ability to slay vampires (i know, whatever. vampires don't exist, blah, blah...) but i exist in the "normal" world perfectly fine. i have a full-time job, for example. i go grocery shopping with my mom, i take my turn doing the dishes or cooking dinner, i pay my car payment every month, i am responsible (ish) for my healthcare, i excercise... i could go on, but this normal business is quite boring, as you can tell.
my point, however poorly made, is this: why does it matter if sometimes i wish i had the ability to snap my fingers and have a clean room? why does it matter that i laugh, quite often, during an episode of hannah montana? (or JONAS? or wizards of waverly place? never do i laugh at iCARLY, i must add. haha) so what if i'd rather go to disneyland than france? why is it ridiculous for me to like the jonas brothers, just because i'm not fourteen? sure, i've read the harry potter series numerous times, but i also read serious books, classic books, and nonfiction books. i will argue to defend the jonas brothers, but i also will argue (and quite well) to defend my religion, my political beliefs, and my family.
i used to put alot of pressure on myself to let my "nonsense" stuff go. you know, take the posters off of my wall, throw away my joe jonas sweat pants, give up the midnight showings... things like that. it was really hard for a while because i was torn between living a full "grown-up" life and living a life in which i write my "to-do's" down in a harry potter calendar. it was only just the other day, when i was driving to my friend malia's house, that i realized that i can have both, in moderation.
i was driving to malia's for dinner and a music exchange fest but i knew that it might very well be the last time i saw her (for a while, anyway). she is moving to boston next week because her very talented and smart husband got accepted into harvard (woo hoo). i was kind of, sort of crying because i am really sad to lose her. she is a very good friend to me and i love her quite alot. while i was driving i was listening to a jonas brothers cd from 2006 when they were basically just babies (it's really very comical) and this song came on and it was nick's little voice singing "time for me to fly" or something silly, and for a moment i really just felt vair, vair happy.
here i was, going to do this "grown-up" thing, saying goodbye, and i was listening to teen pop- and loving it. for a moment i thought, "who cares?", and i meant that about everything. i have never cared what people think of me, why would i start now, so late in life? i don't care if people laugh at me or think i am ridiculous because i am, quite literally, in my own world. they don't have to like it because they aren't invited to live in it anyways.
i saw harry potter and the half blood prince yesterday (loved every second of it, you should know), and the scene that was my favorite was when harry drinks his felix felicis. he was so funny during those moments when he was affected by the "liquid luck" and it was so fun to see harry so carefree (he is usually under some distress. that comes with being "the chosen one", i suppose) anyways, here are some things that i consider my "felix felicis", the things that make me a bit floaty and giddy. these are some things that make my world spin round; things that make me happy no matter how bummed i am. i'll keep the list short, so as not to get too boring.
-a cold bottle of evian.
-swimming.
-my mother.
-any episode from any season of buffy the vampire slayer.
-any *NSYNC song from the "no strings attached" album.
- when one (or all) of the jonas boys wear a v-neck shirt or a plaid button-up shirt. bonus points if they wear them both together.
-pizza.
-driving up the mountain at night with chanel, and singing at tip top notch.
-random text messages.
-taking pictures of myself. i don't know why. i just think this is fun.
-michael scott. bonus points if he is having a conversation with dwight or jim.
-episodes of JONAS and wizards of waverly place. i don't watch tv ever, really. but when i do, it is tivoed episodes of these shows.
-getting emails from my aunt jennie.
-texting with malia about stupid celebrity gossip.
-my lovelies (cole, summer, meg, and isaac. malleri, merissa, and ella.)
-going to a movie with my family.
-reading things that i have written.
-my primary class (and presidency).
-reading old emails and instant messaging conversations from kenny.
-writing and reciting haiku's in accents with samantha.
it isn't hard to gain access into my world, it just takes a little acceptance. sometimes, if we let ourselves go and accept that we cannot control every little thing that happens to us, it's easier to remember what made us so carefree as children. i struggle with life, there's no doubt. it seems as though there is something new to think or worry about everyday. but it helps if i can slip away for small moments into a place where magic happens.
don't worry, i always come back.
love,
gabrielle.
xx
dw being the kind-hearted mutti and bff that she is looked over at me and asked me very seriously, "what world do you live in?"
hmm... i don't really think i know.
i replied, though, by saying, "obviously i live in my own world, one in which i laugh at shows like this because i think they really are funny and not just stupid".
all of this talk got me thinking, and i remembered a scene from one of my favorite movies, alice in wonderland. it's right in the beginning when alice is sitting in the tree with her cat and her older sister is sitting beneath her reading a book out loud. alice is having a vair hard time paying attention, and big sis gets a bit frustrated with her.
"alice, would you kindly pay attention to your history lesson?" she says with an exhaustive sigh.
alice replies, frustrated, "but how can one possibly pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?"
"my dear child, there are a great many books in this world without pictures" (she's right, but that isn't the point, keep reading).
"in your world, perhaps. but in my world, the books would be nothing but pictures!" alice says, quite satisfied.
"your world?! ugh! what nonsense!" her sister laughs.
it is then that alice realizes that yes, if she had a world of her own, everything would be nonsense.
it's true there are things in "my" world that are completely nonsensical, like my desire to have magical powers or the ability to slay vampires (i know, whatever. vampires don't exist, blah, blah...) but i exist in the "normal" world perfectly fine. i have a full-time job, for example. i go grocery shopping with my mom, i take my turn doing the dishes or cooking dinner, i pay my car payment every month, i am responsible (ish) for my healthcare, i excercise... i could go on, but this normal business is quite boring, as you can tell.
my point, however poorly made, is this: why does it matter if sometimes i wish i had the ability to snap my fingers and have a clean room? why does it matter that i laugh, quite often, during an episode of hannah montana? (or JONAS? or wizards of waverly place? never do i laugh at iCARLY, i must add. haha) so what if i'd rather go to disneyland than france? why is it ridiculous for me to like the jonas brothers, just because i'm not fourteen? sure, i've read the harry potter series numerous times, but i also read serious books, classic books, and nonfiction books. i will argue to defend the jonas brothers, but i also will argue (and quite well) to defend my religion, my political beliefs, and my family.
i used to put alot of pressure on myself to let my "nonsense" stuff go. you know, take the posters off of my wall, throw away my joe jonas sweat pants, give up the midnight showings... things like that. it was really hard for a while because i was torn between living a full "grown-up" life and living a life in which i write my "to-do's" down in a harry potter calendar. it was only just the other day, when i was driving to my friend malia's house, that i realized that i can have both, in moderation.
i was driving to malia's for dinner and a music exchange fest but i knew that it might very well be the last time i saw her (for a while, anyway). she is moving to boston next week because her very talented and smart husband got accepted into harvard (woo hoo). i was kind of, sort of crying because i am really sad to lose her. she is a very good friend to me and i love her quite alot. while i was driving i was listening to a jonas brothers cd from 2006 when they were basically just babies (it's really very comical) and this song came on and it was nick's little voice singing "time for me to fly" or something silly, and for a moment i really just felt vair, vair happy.
here i was, going to do this "grown-up" thing, saying goodbye, and i was listening to teen pop- and loving it. for a moment i thought, "who cares?", and i meant that about everything. i have never cared what people think of me, why would i start now, so late in life? i don't care if people laugh at me or think i am ridiculous because i am, quite literally, in my own world. they don't have to like it because they aren't invited to live in it anyways.
i saw harry potter and the half blood prince yesterday (loved every second of it, you should know), and the scene that was my favorite was when harry drinks his felix felicis. he was so funny during those moments when he was affected by the "liquid luck" and it was so fun to see harry so carefree (he is usually under some distress. that comes with being "the chosen one", i suppose) anyways, here are some things that i consider my "felix felicis", the things that make me a bit floaty and giddy. these are some things that make my world spin round; things that make me happy no matter how bummed i am. i'll keep the list short, so as not to get too boring.
-a cold bottle of evian.
-swimming.
-my mother.
-any episode from any season of buffy the vampire slayer.
-any *NSYNC song from the "no strings attached" album.
- when one (or all) of the jonas boys wear a v-neck shirt or a plaid button-up shirt. bonus points if they wear them both together.
-pizza.
-driving up the mountain at night with chanel, and singing at tip top notch.
-random text messages.
-taking pictures of myself. i don't know why. i just think this is fun.
-michael scott. bonus points if he is having a conversation with dwight or jim.
-episodes of JONAS and wizards of waverly place. i don't watch tv ever, really. but when i do, it is tivoed episodes of these shows.
-getting emails from my aunt jennie.
-texting with malia about stupid celebrity gossip.
-my lovelies (cole, summer, meg, and isaac. malleri, merissa, and ella.)
-going to a movie with my family.
-reading things that i have written.
-my primary class (and presidency).
-reading old emails and instant messaging conversations from kenny.
-writing and reciting haiku's in accents with samantha.
it isn't hard to gain access into my world, it just takes a little acceptance. sometimes, if we let ourselves go and accept that we cannot control every little thing that happens to us, it's easier to remember what made us so carefree as children. i struggle with life, there's no doubt. it seems as though there is something new to think or worry about everyday. but it helps if i can slip away for small moments into a place where magic happens.
don't worry, i always come back.
love,
gabrielle.
xx
7.11.2009
utah... sort of.
here is mr. joe jonas, pledging aliegance to me. oh, joe...
i've got so many photos to post from my trip to utah (most of them from my jonas brothers concert, not gonna lie). i would like to post them, truly i would. but the fly in the ointment is that my uploader is slower than a slow thing on a slow road to slow town. i am working on a concert blog for the few jonas readers that i have, but it will be a while before i get that going. so this is just a sample of what is in store. isn't it loverly?
i quite think so.
until next time,
gabrielle.
**side note: the blog has been posted. it's a couple posts below this one.
xx
i've got so many photos to post from my trip to utah (most of them from my jonas brothers concert, not gonna lie). i would like to post them, truly i would. but the fly in the ointment is that my uploader is slower than a slow thing on a slow road to slow town. i am working on a concert blog for the few jonas readers that i have, but it will be a while before i get that going. so this is just a sample of what is in store. isn't it loverly?i quite think so.
until next time,
gabrielle.
**side note: the blog has been posted. it's a couple posts below this one.
xx
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