i stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays.
so long sweet slumber
i fell into you, now you're gracefully falling away"
summertime makes me remember. I have a keen memory, sometimes it seems that I am always remembering. It’s a blessing and a curse really, a “heavy is the head” sort of fandango. Anyways, in the summer, my remembering seems more intense. i wonder why this is? maybe it's the heat. heat stimulates growth, and remembering is part of growing. or maybe it's just so hot that i become delirious. who knows really? not me. Lately I’ve been flooded with random memories from my youth. handstand contests in the pool while "i'll never get over you (getting over me)" by expose plays on the boombox.
"as long as the stars shine bright from the heavens,
as long as the rivers run to the sea,
i'll never get over you getting over me"
when i was young, i wondered what that meant. i think that i thought it was two sentences. Like, "i'll never get over you... i'm getting over me". now that i'm older (and inevitably wiser...) the lyrics make a bit more sense as I realize now that it’s just one sentence and not two. i loved that song so much when i was little that i even bought the single on a cd. it was the first cd that i bought, but i don't consider it such bc it wasn't a full cd, just the single. the first full length cd i bought was TLC's "crazy sexy cool", which i bought primarily for their song "waterfalls" i think i ended up liking a few more songs though. the lyrics to "waterfalls" are: "don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to". except if you're me, in 1994, you sing them like this: "don't go chasing waterfalls, listen to the rivers and they'll listen to you, too". i remember specifically eating wendy's one day in the back of our 1993 honda civic (which my mother now tells me was an accord. So much for my fantastic memory), singing that song and having my older cousin nichole tell me that those weren't the words. i didn't start singing the "correct" lyrics though. i've always done things my own way.
summer reminds me of doing drugs, which is odd because i never did drugs. in high school, most everyone around me did, which is maybe why the two go hand in hand. certain songs remind me of drugs. i think it's songs with haunting melodies mostly. almost anything by modest mouse, for example. i was trying to explain to my friend what i mean by that, and she said "i get it, like anything by bob marley". Not really. i wonder if what i mean and what i say will ever coincide. i wonder if i will ever find someone who knows what i mean even when i don't express myself correctly. i don't think there was a point to this except to say my summer days and nights in high school consisted of “drug songs”, and now just listening to them can make me feel drugged. i remember feeling scared. i remember feeling alone. i remember feeling cold even though it was hot out. i remember wallets made of duct tape, driving around with nowhere to go, and listening to soundtracks. in junior high and high school, i was obsessed with buying soundtracks. which is odd, because i never buy them now. "can't hardly wait" was my favourite for years. even now, when i put that cd on, i basically curl up in a ball and start crying. not really because i miss those times, because i don't think that i do. the crying comes more because i remember who i was back then. it's weird to even think that i am the same person today as I was back then.
things were always changing in the summer. i thought once i got out of high school the changes would stop, that things would become more consistent. but every summer I’m reminded that nothing gold can stay, that the things that i hold close to my heart often get taken away, absorbed by the glow of the summer sun. unfortunately, it's not as romantic as it sounds.
are we doomed to recycle our friends? are friends forever? or are they just like clothes, expendable and forever rotating in and out of our lives? when i buy a shirt, i never think about when i'll have to throw it out, although inevitably that day comes. One day, I will get a rush of insanity, of obsessive compulsive disorder. I’ll get a trash bag and go through my closet, rifling through clothes and pulling out the ones that I allow myself to get rid of. every once in a while i'll come across an item that is hard for me to toss out. A black hoodie, or a tshirt that i wore when i hung out with someone i loved. sometimes i haven't worn the item in years. even still, i tuck it in the back of my closet, hoping one day it will fit me again. thinking maybe one day it will be relevant in my life, and that i'll want to wear it. if clothes are like friendships, or friendships like clothes, it’s true that there are some friendships i can't throw out. Every once in a while I’ll go through my life and rifle through the unnecessary or unused people and get rid of them. There are times when I come across a person who is hard to throw out. I consider it, but then decide to tuck them away in the back of my closet where they’ll remain, waiting to be relevant, waiting to be current, waiting to be needed. it's not something i wear anymore, but it will always be important to me. are friends like clothes, forever changing with the seasons to adjust to changes in taste? i want to believe that isn't true. i want to believe it so badly.
deep down, i know i'm singing the wrong lyrics.
