there's this thing that happens to me whenever i get the urge to start organizing my closet (or underneath my bed). i get the urge about every three months. i would get it more often, but the thing about closets is, there is a door on them. so even when it's a mess in there, you can close it and then say, "CLEAN!" it's a love/hate sort of fiasco, because behind the door i know there is a mess of shoes that i never wear, posters that used to be on my wall, and records that need to be organized (among other things), but for a while, the door appeases me. the thing that happens to me when i get the urge to do a martha stewart sort of organization thing is that i buy all new rubbermaid containers and get a trash bag out, determined to throw away what is old and useless and organize what isn't, but i open the closet door, get overwhelmed and decide that it's pointless to try and organize a mess that's been there for years. where do i even start? i mean, if i really dug around in there, i would find yearbooks and spanish papers from tenth grade, and notes from old bff's and a whole bunch of really depressing stuff. so, what happens is, i end up sighing, closing the door, and thinking "some doors are just better left closed". (*side note: i feel the need to say that my closet is actually an organized mess. all of my useless crap has a place. i'm not like, super messy or anything.)
lately that phrase has been popping into my mind alot, and it has me thinking. cleaning isn't the only love/hate relationship i have in my life (offhand excercising comes to mind, which i am currently avoiding)... i've also recently had a serious love/hate relationship with the internet, mainly facebook and blogs. on the one hand, i love things like facebook and blogs because it gives me a chance to stay in touch with people that i love in a world where i am busy most of the time. it is really convenient for me to just be able to logon and read about my cousins, or my friends that have moved away. it's also really nice to be able to send someone a message on facebook when i am thinking about them. i've always been better at expressing myself with words (no surprise there) so it's only natural that i would be attracted to these forms of communication.
lately, however, i hate facebook. blogging, not so much, but facebook kills me. i've been kind of staying away from it, logging on just once in a while to see if i've got a message or something, but everytime i am logged on, i get a rush of TMI. i was logged on for thirty five seconds today and i knew that so-and-so started a farm, so-and-so got shot in some mafia game, i found out where a crush from high school went on his honeymoon, about four people are sick, someone partied a little too hard last night, someone is still partying a little too hard.... this isn't even everything, it's just the beginning. again, i found myself thinking, "some doors should just stay closed". even though i knew these people at one point in my life, i may have even been so close to some of them that i loved them at one point, it doesn't mean i have to know what they had for dinner. i don't think i SHOULD know what they had for dinner, to be honest. sometimes we loose contact with people because that is what is supposed to happen after high school. i liked remembering my high school crush as he was, not married to someone and going on fantastical vacations (hate to admit it, but that hurt worse than it should have i think).
because of the amazing technology we have, we are able to connect with hundreds of thousands of people. we're able to meet people and make new friendships, which is a great thing. i've been really fortunate, i've met some of my closest friends over the internet, and i'm not really ashamed to admit that. but the downside to that technology is that it also aids us in holding on to the past. people who should have been let go a long time ago are just a mouse-click away. one click, and you can see into their whole lives; what they do for work (or don't do, as the case may be), who they married (or haven't married), how many kids they have (or don't have), what kind of car they drive (or bike they ride)... my point is, there are some people who i would love to know about. my cousin just got engaged: great! my best friend got accepted to the college that she applied to: smashing!my cousin got his mission call: hooray! my friend just had a baby: congratulations! on the other hand, there are things i don't care to know about. some kid from third grade likes rainstorms: what? someone i sat next to in home ec junior year is going to a party: why? so-and-so is a fan of something-or-other: WHO THE HELL CARES? i know this makes me sound a little bitter, and it is all kind of like, well if you hate it so much then delete your facebook, why don't you? the thing is, i know there is a happy in-between, i just don't know how to find it.
it used to be that high school friendships/relationships ended with "have an awesome summer! keep in touch!", and while there was sadness in saying goodbye, there was also a nice finality in those goodbyes. now it's more like "have a super fun summer, stalk you in the fall!!"
there are some people that i want to know about, that i don't mind knowing what they ate for lunch, or what they are a fan of. but there are some people that represent a certain time to me, and to know what they do on a daily basis kind of shatters that. there really is a certain pang that occurs when you find out that someone you like is setting up a date with someone else, or that the first boy you ever loved is having a magical life with his new wife. as humans, we are always hard on ourselves, it seems like we are constantly comparing our lives to other people's. now other people's lives are more accessable than ever, and it is easier to compare jobs, spouses, houses, children, etc. it can really make you feel like crap.
sometimes i still feel like a teenager in the sense that a text message can make my day, a small whisper can shatter my world, a picture can break my heart. i don't think i need the help of facebook.
some doors are better left closed. that way we don't have to see the mess that lies behind them.
