I AM A VISITOR HERE, I AM NOT PERMANENT.

my movies of the year.

2011-01-10T15:43:00.001-08:00

(IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

1. Shutter Island. I was fortunate enough to see this movie before it came out in theaters (thanks to d.w.), which means I was able to form my own opinion of it before I read any reviews. I think people who had the ending spoiled for them liked it less than I did. I headed into the movie not really knowing what the movie was about, but I was completely enthralled in the story and totally did not predict the ending. Some of Leo’s finest acting comes along in a scene towards the end of the movie. I won’t say which scene, in case some of you haven’t seen it, but it’s brilliant. When you see it, you’ll know.

2. Alice In Wonderland. I suppose I’m sort of predisposed to love this movie, with Johnny Depp being one of my favorite actors, Tim Burton being one of my favorite directors, and the original cartoon Alice In Wonderland being my favorite movie. Aside from all that, I just thought it was a really great take on a story that’s so well known and that has been done so many times before. There were some silly parts, yes, but overall I thought it was original and fun and great acting. Rumors are that Tim Burton is set to direct a live-action “Sleeping Beauty” that will be centered around Maleficent (and who is rumored to play Maleficent? Angelina Jolie. I die.). If that ever happens, I will be in heaven.

3. How to Train Your Dragon. For nothing else other than that adorable dragon named “Toothless”. His face just kills me.

4. Date Night. I can’t believe that Liz Lemon is in a movie with Michael Scott. It’s like Hollywood is getting all of my letters and taking all of my advice. There were just so many funny scenes in this movie, plus… shirtless Mark Wahlberg, can’t argue with that. I am pretty sure I peed a little when I saw this in the theater. Sorry, Cinemark.

5. Toy Story 3. Duh. I always get worried with sequel movies, even when Disney is involved. I mean, Toy Story 2 was great as was The Rescuers Down Under, but does anyone remember the many Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Aladdin, and Air Buddies sequels? Yikes. Having said that, this movie was perfect. Disney has a brilliant way of making cartoon movies with characters and story lines that are relevant in our own lives. I cried (out loud) on three separate occasions, and if you didn’t, you’re probably strawberry scented and stuffed with fluff.

6. Despicable Me. Either I am regressing in age and getting younger, or cartoons are now better made than “grown up” movies (I think it’s the latter). This movie was amazing. I think it was my favorite of the cartoons this year. And kudos to the writers for avoiding the “annoying sidekick” curse with the minions. They could have gone either way, but I loved them.

7. Inception. While I didn’t love this like everyone else did, it was still an incredibly directed, well-written action movie. With Leo in it. So really, win-win.

8. Ramona and Beezus. Loved loved loved this one. This was another tear fest for me. While potentially disastrous, the script was way good, the acting was great, and the little girl who played Ramona didn’t annoy me at all. Success!

9. The Other Guys. Please put Mark Wahlberg in more comedies. That is all.

10. Scott Pilgrim vs The World. This was a really clever love story disguised as an action movie. Plus, I love Michael Cera.

11. Easy A. I’m pretty sure this is the closest we’re going to ever get to a John Hughes comedy.

12. The Social Network. This is my movie of the year, and Jesse Eisenberg wins my performance of the year. I loved this movie. This has all of the elements that make up a great movie: great writing, perfect direction, beautiful soundtrack, and brilliant performances from everyone involved.

13. It’s Kind of A Funny Story. The book was better (when is it not?), but this movie is worth seeing for Zach Galifinakis’ performance. It was subtly brilliant.

14. Due Date. Thank you, Robert Downey, Jr for making movies. He has recently become one of my favorites thanks to performances like this.

15. Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part I. These movies are as close to being as good as the books as we’re ever going to get, I’m afraid. They’re just so well executed. Great acting, great soundtrack, aesthetically pleasing, etc. I am not ready for this franchise to be finished.

16. The Tourist. Don’t hate me, but I thought this movie was good. I really enjoyed the writing, my only complaint is that there wasn’t enough of it. I think Angie and Johnny are really great together. I went in with low expectations and came out pleased, so maybe that’s the way to go about it. I figured worse case scenario I end up watching two pretty people be pretty in Venice for two hours. They both have the acting talent to back up their looks, so there’s another plus.

17. The Fighter. Christian Bale is incredible. I am hoping that he will finally get nominated and win the academy award this year. He is unrecognizable in this film. I wasn’t expecting to like this movie much, I really only saw it for Bale’s performance (I have a low tolerance for amy adams so that was a bit of a turn-off), but I ended up loving it so much. If you are not standing up and cheering at the end of this movie, you are probably strawberry scented and stuffed with fluff.

18. True Grit. Well played, Coens. You made me love a western.

One more thing...

Best Performance by an Actor and Actress in a Lead Role (according to me):
Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network and Natalie Portman in Black Swan.

Best Performance by an Actor and Actress in a Supporting Role (according to me):
Christian Bale in The Fighter and Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit.

year in pictures.

2011-01-03T13:10:00.001-08:00

JANUARY.

this photo was taken in front of the wiltern theater in los angeles. dw and i went there to for nick jonas' solo tour. okay, so that is why i went there. dw went because she is a kind soul and an angel in sheep's clothing. it was way fun, we stayed at the roosevelt hotel, which is this old "haunted" hollywood hotel. supposedly marilyn monroe haunts it, but personally i think that if she were to haunt anything it would be the kennedy's grandchildren or something. the concert was really fun and it was my biggest celebrity sighting thus far in my life. not "biggest", but definitely the most at one time. i still say my biggest and most important celeb sighting was the time my family and i saw paul mccartney at disneyland. take that, jennifer lopez.

FEBRUARY.

this is the sole picture that i have from february. how that is even possible, i'll never know. my little cousin ella had given me a glitter heart for valentine's day. i made good use of it.

MARCH AND APRIL.

so i am assuming that something happened in those months, because i know that i existed. but i have not one picture to prove i existed. there's a line from a format song that i love which says, "pictures only prove you can't convince". i guess i'll have to do alot of convincing, because i've got nothing. i had a birthday, i think. got a cute side bag.

MAY.

in may my family went to disneyland for the ben folds concert. my dad, dw and i are the ones who went to the concert and it was kind of funny to see two old people at a concert. they were bugged that it was a standing concert and not a sitting one. despite the fact that we stood for hours, we still went to disneyland with the family the next day and had a blast. at the concert, a girl named kate miller-heidke opened up for ben folds and she was really awesome. i met her, bought one of her cds, and she signed it. pretty groovy. dw, connor, and i stayed at disneyland until midnight that saturday which was totally fun. our last ride was splash mountain which, for some reason, always scares the crap out of me and i always end up looking like i am giving birth in the photo they take on the ride. makes it easier for me to decide that there will be no cameras present at the birth of any of my children.

JUNE.

in june we took a fun vacation to coronado. it was so beautiful and so fun there. everytime i go to california i want to move there. why oh why does it have to cost so much to live there. if i didn't have such a good job here, i would pack up my stuff and move there in a second. this photo was taken at the tide pools. i like it because stefan and connor are in it. and my dress is cool, not gonna lie. oh and that is the cool side bag that i got for my birthday, just in case any of you were dying to know what it looks like. on that trip i got a killer pair of marc jacobs sunglasses.

JULY.

in july i read an incredible book called "anthropology of an american girl". this is just a picture i took back then of all the stuff that i had hilighted on the pages. it seems like that entire book is hilighted. it is my favourite book ever, i read it twice in a row. i actually got to know the author through a little thing called facebook, which is incredible. many annoying things happen because of that site, but i guess some great things happen too. she's an amazing person and she's been such a good source for me to turn to for ideas on writing and life in general. i love her, and her story is amazing. you should read it.

AUGUST.

in august i went to disneyland with my friend jessica. i got to see the world of color, which was so fun and beautiful. i chose this picture because ever since i was like, four years old, i've said that i want to live in the alice in wonderland ride when i grow up. so that would make this my actual cup of tea. i look quite comfy in there, no? almost like i belong there. on the way home, i had the worst flight of my life, getting stuck in the air in a storm for four hours while a little kid kicked the back of my chair the whole way. i wore my sunglasses the entire flight because i just sat and cried. i really thought it was curtains for me. my mom asked why i didn't just ask the kid to stop kicking my chair, but i knew if i turned around and opened my mouth that i wouldn't be able to control what came out. there was no calm way for me to speak at that point. then i would be the person on the plane who exploded at some kid and had to be escorted off by security. i'm just not prepared to have that be my legacy. i also went to the john mayer concert and had amazing seats and got some amazing pictures. i really do love that man, and he is incredible live. if you ever have the chance to go see him, take it.

SEPTEMBER.

i don't know what it is about mad men, but whenever i watch it, i end up cutting my own bangs. i have a horrible cowlick, so i can't really trust anyone else to cut my bangs, as they always end up crooked. but this is my pictorial proof that "boredom leads to bangs". i'm not as sad as i look in this photo, i just never know how to "pose" for a picture that i am taking of myself. any way i do it, i seem conceited. it's more awkwardness than sadness that causes this face. it's my "meh" face.

OCTOBER.

another disney trip, and one of the most lame we've ever had. it was beyond crowded which was a huge disappointment. we waited fifty minutes for pirates of the caribbean, which i have never ever done in my life. the really great part about that trip though, was the elecTRONica dance party that took place in the california adventure backlot. that totally made up for the ridiculous lines that we waited in during the day. this is a photo taken by stefan of me on the teacups. i've always wanted a great teacup action shot, and i really do love this one. i feel like i haven't had a good teacup picture since i was about three. i made new friends in october, which has been a new adventure. i went to a halloween party for the first time in four years, dressed as liz lemon from 30 rock. it was a pretty awesome costume, if i do say so myself.

NOVEMBER.

this photograph is proof of my new friendships. ha. we were ice blocking and i was trying to organize some "circle of friends" photo, and this is what became of it. we eventually got it right, but the pictures where we didn't are more fun.

DECEMBER.

it's hard to "reflect" on a month that happened just last week, so i won't. but i will say that this is a fine picture taken at an adorable restaraunt called ruffler's rooste. i know it has been around forever, but i had never been so it was new to me. my hair is long, guys! my goal was to not cut more than a quarter of an inch every eight weeks. it has taken forever to get where it is, but i am going to continue to grow it over the next year as well. i don't love long hair, but i've never had it. and frankly, i am growing tired of wearing pillow cases and panty hose on my head around the house. i also recently made the decision to grow my bangs out. that will last me until july when mad men comes on again which, i presume, will encourage me to snip them off. good thing i know what i am doing in the fringe department. if nothing else, at least i have that.

there is zero point to this post, but i felt like writing. you've been warned.

2010-11-24T13:39:00.001-08:00

Lately I have been trying my hardest not to use the word “hate”. I think it’s in poor taste to use the word, even though more than half the time that I use it, I don’t mean it. That may actually make the usage of the word more unnecessary than it already is. It sounds tacky to me, on top of being harsh, and I just think it is bad karma. Most of the things I “hate” I don’t have any control over anyways, hating them doesn’t make that any less easy to accept.
Having said that… yesterday I went to the dentist to get a crown on my tooth. A couple of months ago, I would have said that I hate the dentist. Today I am compromising and saying that I have a severe disliking for the place. I’m the person who has a mini heart attack every six months when I get a cleaning. By the way, after yesterday’s crown fiasco, I am all clear in the tooth department and have vowed to brush and floss after every meal/snack/sugar drink so I should never have to get a cavity again. Meaning I should never have to avoid the dentist and let said cavity get so bad that I have to get a root canal and a crown. Fingers crossed.

Other words/phrases I use to replace “hate”:

-“dislike” (obviously).
-“severely annoyed by….”
-“have an extremely low tolerance for…”
And, if I must, “detest”, which I realize might actually be worse than “hate”, but it sounds prettier, doesn’t it?

I will use them all in regards to dentistry. Here we go. I dislike going to the dentist. I am severely annoyed by having to keep my mouth open for two and a half hours straight, and furthermore I have an extremely low tolerance for the shrill noise the drills make whilst dr. dentist is banging round inside my mouth. Now, if you had to picture me saying that, wouldn’t I be in a classy club somewhere, lunching with friends, wearing pearls and lip gloss? The old me would have said “I frigging hate the dentist more than anything in the world. I am going to die” Where do you picture me when I say that sentence? That’s right, standing in line for the crane game at a wal-mart.

Another poor habit I have picked up as of late, is saying that I am going to kill myself in regards to any and every thing. I don’t know where or how this started, I just know that it has become my standard answer for every situation. I remember telling my friend one time that if something happened (don’t even remember what), I would jump off a bridge. (obviously I have no intentions of doing so, but whatever. I’m dramatic.) When she said to me, “you can’t say that!” I said, “yes I can, because no one that we know has jumped off a bridge”.
While we’re at work, my brother makes a game of trying to annoy me. He actually doesn’t have to try that hard because I get annoyed fairly easily at work. One of the ways he likes to bug me is by asking me what weapon I would use to defend myself if there was a zombie apocalypse. (Ridiculous) My answer always was nothing, I would just kill myself. If the world was being over run by zombies, I would just die, the end. I’m definately not going to be some zombie’s play thing. He gets so frustrated by that answer, and I kind of understand because it does ruin the game. The last time he asked me I finally answered, “a baseball bat with glass shards at the end of it…”, and he honestly looked so truly happy that I answered. He had the hugest smile on his face as he said, “that’s a great answer!”. I could tell he thought, “ha ha! I have finally gotten through to her! She has learned well from watching me play video games!” I waited about thirty seconds before I added “… to kill myself with!” I thought it was pretty funny, but he was not amused.
This particular instance led my brother to bring up my habit the other night while my family was eating dinner. He was saying how I say that so often that it has just lost its meaning by now. I guess I didn’t really realize how much I say it and for what types of silly instances. I argued with him about it for a little bit before I looked at the clock and saw what time it was (8:37). I didn’t even think before I said: “If it is seriously 8:37 right now, I’m gonna kill myself”, and that’s when I decided that I say it WAY too much without having any intention of doing so, and that it too needed to stop. I haven’t thought of another phrase to use in its place. Maybe I should just try being happy about everything that happens to me, and say something great like “I have to run for 45 minutes on the elliptical?! That makes me want to run in a field of daisies!” “If I have to go to the dentist, then you might as well sign me up to do charity work at the same time! LIFE IS GREAT!” (side note: my life is actually pretty great, and I am aware of that).
Speaking of the gym… it has occurred to me as of late that during the last five minutes of my run, I become very emotional. I’m assuming this is because I am SO tired and I just can’t hold in any emotions at all, happy, sad, whatever. I watch tv at the gym, and last week I was watching some special on prince William and kate. They showed her with princess Diana’s ring on… I totally started crying. Beiber in my headphones (don’t judge), dead princess’s ring on tv, I’m a mess on the machine. Another example: I was watching the news on Saturday while I was running and all they did was show a clip of the new harry potter movie… tears running down my face. The gym makes me an emotional wreck, not even kidding.
The other night I was going through some old folders and I found a whole bunch of random things that I didn’t even know existed. Stories and songs I have written (do not remember writing songs, but in ’08 I did, and they’re actually not terrible), my quote book, and also a list of new year’s resolutions for last year. It’s totally crazy, but I read over the very modest list of three things, and for the first time in my life, I accomplished them all. I kept looking at them thinking that I must have been crazy when I selected those few things because they are things that are very easy for me now that we are in November. Didn’t I want a challenge back in January? Or was I just so sick of failing that I wanted to give myself a break? I went through my journal and started reading entries from this time last year, and I realized that in January, all three of those things seemed impossible to me. In my journal I wrote, “there’s no way I’m going to accomplish any of these”. I am still blown away that I did it, and even though the changes that those three goals brought about are small, they are extremely significant in my life. It kind of makes me excited to set three new goals for 2011, now that I know I’m capable of achieving them. I’m going to try to be realistic though. (Ex-nay on wishing to lose 50 pounds.)
Thanksgiving is here, Christmas will be along shortly, and then it’s new year’s eve. I honestly cannot handle how fast time flies. I swear, I’ll blink and be fifty. Hopefully not living alone, dressed in a mumu surrounded by cats.

words like girls get bored and run...

2010-10-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

The internet is a curious thing. I actually think it’s a great invention, so much good comes from it, but sometimes it’s hard to know if the people you come in contact with are genuine or not. Sincerity is sometimes lost between emails and comments. At any rate, I received a curious message in my facebook inbox this morning. Upon reading it I became overwhelmed with gratitude and humility. After reading it a second time, I find myself wondering if it is some kind of joke or fake message going out to everyone or something. I’ve decided to share it here because well, if it is real, it’s pretty incredible. And if it isn’t real, then… it still kind of made me feel like I’ve done something good in the world. So, I think it’s kind of win-win. The message reads as follows:

Hi Gabrielle,
I just wanted to tell you that I absolutely love your blog! I can relate to so many things you have mentioned. At some point or another, I felt exactly the same way you have. And in reply to the post in which you have mentioned that you want to be a professional writer, I truly believe you should be one because you ARE an awesome writer!
Reading your posts have brought a lot of positive change in my life so Thank you so much and keep writing.

So I’ve left the name off of the letter, for privacy reasons. You know, in case this person IS real and really does read my blog. I don’t mean to insult him/her in any way. I’m incredibly flattered and kind of dumbfounded that a person like this exists in the world, and I’m grateful that they would take the time to write to me. These words have inspired me to keep writing and to keep sharing. I keep hidden so much of what I write out of fear, and this pushes me to maybe not be so afraid when I have something to say.

I’m still baffled a little bit. I didn’t really think that anyone reads what I write, and I certainly didn’t think that it made an impression on anyone. It makes me wonder how many anonymous readers are out there. I'm curious how readers find me, and even more curious why they keep coming back.

I don't have any answers, obviously. Just a bunch of questions. Thank you, though. If you’re reading this. Wherever you are, whoever you are. Thank you.

so long, sweet summer.

2010-08-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

"so long sweet summer
i stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays.
so long sweet slumber
i fell into you, now you're gracefully falling away"

summertime makes me remember. I have a keen memory, sometimes it seems that I am always remembering. It’s a blessing and a curse really, a “heavy is the head” sort of fandango. Anyways, in the summer, my remembering seems more intense. i wonder why this is? maybe it's the heat. heat stimulates growth, and remembering is part of growing. or maybe it's just so hot that i become delirious. who knows really? not me. Lately I’ve been flooded with random memories from my youth. handstand contests in the pool while "i'll never get over you (getting over me)" by expose plays on the boombox.

"as long as the stars shine bright from the heavens,

as long as the rivers run to the sea,

i'll never get over you getting over me"

when i was young, i wondered what that meant. i think that i thought it was two sentences. Like, "i'll never get over you... i'm getting over me". now that i'm older (and inevitably wiser...) the lyrics make a bit more sense as I realize now that it’s just one sentence and not two. i loved that song so much when i was little that i even bought the single on a cd. it was the first cd that i bought, but i don't consider it such bc it wasn't a full cd, just the single. the first full length cd i bought was TLC's "crazy sexy cool", which i bought primarily for their song "waterfalls" i think i ended up liking a few more songs though. the lyrics to "waterfalls" are: "don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to". except if you're me, in 1994, you sing them like this: "don't go chasing waterfalls, listen to the rivers and they'll listen to you, too". i remember specifically eating wendy's one day in the back of our 1993 honda civic (which my mother now tells me was an accord. So much for my fantastic memory), singing that song and having my older cousin nichole tell me that those weren't the words. i didn't start singing the "correct" lyrics though. i've always done things my own way.

summer reminds me of doing drugs, which is odd because i never did drugs. in high school, most everyone around me did, which is maybe why the two go hand in hand. certain songs remind me of drugs. i think it's songs with haunting melodies mostly. almost anything by modest mouse, for example. i was trying to explain to my friend what i mean by that, and she said "i get it, like anything by bob marley". Not really. i wonder if what i mean and what i say will ever coincide. i wonder if i will ever find someone who knows what i mean even when i don't express myself correctly. i don't think there was a point to this except to say my summer days and nights in high school consisted of “drug songs”, and now just listening to them can make me feel drugged. i remember feeling scared. i remember feeling alone. i remember feeling cold even though it was hot out. i remember wallets made of duct tape, driving around with nowhere to go, and listening to soundtracks. in junior high and high school, i was obsessed with buying soundtracks. which is odd, because i never buy them now. "can't hardly wait" was my favourite for years. even now, when i put that cd on, i basically curl up in a ball and start crying. not really because i miss those times, because i don't think that i do. the crying comes more because i remember who i was back then. it's weird to even think that i am the same person today as I was back then.

things were always changing in the summer. i thought once i got out of high school the changes would stop, that things would become more consistent. but every summer I’m reminded that nothing gold can stay, that the things that i hold close to my heart often get taken away, absorbed by the glow of the summer sun. unfortunately, it's not as romantic as it sounds.
are we doomed to recycle our friends? are friends forever? or are they just like clothes, expendable and forever rotating in and out of our lives? when i buy a shirt, i never think about when i'll have to throw it out, although inevitably that day comes. One day, I will get a rush of insanity, of obsessive compulsive disorder. I’ll get a trash bag and go through my closet, rifling through clothes and pulling out the ones that I allow myself to get rid of. every once in a while i'll come across an item that is hard for me to toss out. A black hoodie, or a tshirt that i wore when i hung out with someone i loved. sometimes i haven't worn the item in years. even still, i tuck it in the back of my closet, hoping one day it will fit me again. thinking maybe one day it will be relevant in my life, and that i'll want to wear it. if clothes are like friendships, or friendships like clothes, it’s true that there are some friendships i can't throw out. Every once in a while I’ll go through my life and rifle through the unnecessary or unused people and get rid of them. There are times when I come across a person who is hard to throw out. I consider it, but then decide to tuck them away in the back of my closet where they’ll remain, waiting to be relevant, waiting to be current, waiting to be needed. it's not something i wear anymore, but it will always be important to me. are friends like clothes, forever changing with the seasons to adjust to changes in taste? i want to believe that isn't true. i want to believe it so badly.

deep down, i know i'm singing the wrong lyrics.

word of the day: WEARY.

2010-07-21T13:58:00.001-07:00

Two very loud, very “unique” patients are in my waiting room discussing (very loudly) the twilight series. (I’m looking around for satan, as this is obviously hell) I’m trying to not add my two cents, because if I do, it probably won’t be very nice. Fun as it would be to shut them down, I don’t need the bad karma right now. As I’m answering the phone, one of the patient’s son yells out, “Who is she talking to?!” I think he thought I was just another crazy person, talking to myself. About five minutes pass before he speaks again, and when he does he says to his mom, “it must make her weary”

-“what are you talking about?”

-“answering the phone like that all the time… it must make her weary.”

I like the way this kid thinks.
He looks at me and says “I’m sorry that you get weary at times. I wonder when your shift ends?”

Some days, my friend, it seems like my shift never ends.

This is a story about nothing, no one, and nowhere in particular.

2010-05-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Dear friend,
I am young today. Maybe I am three, maybe I am five. My days are long and warm and good. My nights are peaceful and quiet. I sing, I sing all day long. I tell jokes. I make them up myself.
Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Bushes.

That’s one I just thought of now. Don’t you love it, friend? I think it is hilarious. Do you know what I like, friend? I like purple soda. It has a picture of grapes on the can. It tastes like grapes but not really, it tastes like fake grapes. Don’t tell anyone but fake grapes are better than real grapes. Fake grapes burn your throat as they go down. Fake grapes sparkle. I love swinging. Swinging is the best. It’s great if there is someone there to push me, but it’s even better when I can push myself. I can go higher and higher. I push my legs back and forth and watch the ground get farther away from me, then close again. Far, then close, far, then close. Sometimes I think maybe when I get really high I can jump off. Nope, too risky. Someday I’ll jump. Someday I’ll risk it. Not today though. It’s definitely too risky today.
I discovered something today, my friend. It was a very magical thing. I am smiling right now just thinking about it. It’s giving me butterflies in my stomach! Have you ever heard of that, of butterflies being in your stomach? That is the best feeling. My butterflies come to me when I am very excited about something, or when I close my eyes and spin really fast. Shall I tell you what I discovered? I will! I will tell you because I love you, friend, and I always share my best things with those I love. The beautiful lady and I are sitting at my table drinking the burning purple grapes. I tell Beauty one of my jokes. It is a really funny one, better than the bushes one I told you before. The beautiful one laughs and touches my hair, taps my nose with her finger. You are my sunshine, she tells me and she smiles the most beautiful smile in all of the world. I feel warm and happy, like the sun is shining down on me so bright, like I will never be happier than this. I take a sip of the fizzy sparkly grapes and something not too great happens. I spill a bit of the liquid gold that I love so much. It rolls off of the table onto the white carpet. I watch it drip, drip, drip. I watch the purple on the clean, white get bigger and bigger. The beautiful one hops out of her chair lickety split and grabs a towel. She brings it over and covers the evidence, soaking up the precious purple juice. I am going to tell you something now that I am not too happy about telling you, alright? I’m going to tell you what happened next because we are friends and I love you. I know you love me too and that you will be careful with what I am about to tell you. I know that you won’t say anything to anyone else. While the beautiful one wipes up my mess, I cry. Stop crying, I beg myself, but I don’t listen. I can’t help it. I am scared and I am sad about hurting the white carpet with my purple mess. I don’t like crying, it gives away my tears. Tears are dangerous, friend. You must be careful with your tears. Once people see them, they never treat you the same. I didn’t want the beautiful one to be mad at me. Beauty is so great though; do you want to know why? Because she always does the right thing, and she always knows what makes things better. Beauty looked at me and smiled her beautiful smile. Don’t worry sunshine. That’s what she said as she wiped away my tears. Even though I loved the way her fingers felt on my face, I worried about her handling my tears like that. I worried about her grabbing them and saving them and using them against me. When her fingers touched my tears I wondered what part of me she had taken, and where that part would go. Once my tears fall, are they no longer mine? I wondered if she could read my mind now, or maybe she would start telling my jokes. Would my words be her words? Would she start loving grape soda the way I love it so? Would she sing all day the way I do? What Beauty said next was the most magical thing I had ever heard. Do you want to know, friend? I know you want to know and that is why I will tell you. She said it will be our little secret. A secret! Can you believe it, friend? I have a shared secret with the beautiful one! I said the word out loud just to make sure I hadn’t made it up. Secret. It is the best word I’ve ever heard! The butterflies come again and I start thinking about secrets, and who might have them. I bet everyone has them, and not just one. I bet everyone has hundreds of secrets. Not me, I only have this secret. Just one but it is the best one ever because it is shared between me and Beauty. I start to wonder how I can catch these secrets, how I can make them mine. The butterflies stay.
When the strong one came home, he kissed the beautiful one and patted my head, and ruffled my hair. He didn’t even notice the purple mistake. And Mrs. Beautiful winked at me. Because she knew that Little Miss Sunshine had a secret.
I’m not completely sure what a secret is yet, but I know I want more of them. I want to have hundreds, probably thousands. I wonder when I will get another one. I wonder how I find them. How do I get someone to give me one? I think I must be careful with my secrets though, friend. I need to keep mine for myself, and not give them away. It seems too risky, just like jumping when I am swinging so high. Secrets, like tears, are dangerous gems that fall without warning. I must put an extra layer on so that nothing falls until I want it to.
I will tell you something for free, friend. I barely know what a secret is, but I know that I will be good at keeping them. I know that I will have many of my very own. I am promising myself that I will tell them to no one. I will keep my tears to myself. It is better this way.

Dear friend,
I am nine now, friend. Can you believe it? I am nine now, and the beautiful one still loves me. She handles me with care. I still sing, and I still love purple soda pop. I still feel the butterflies. I swing still but I don’t need a push anymore. I can do it all by myself. I haven’t jumped yet, it’s not time. It will be time soon though I think. My armor is getting stronger. I have to make sure that it is strong enough to stand against a fall though. I cannot risk my tears.
Since the day with the carpet, I have not showed the beautiful one my tears, even though there are times when I really want to. The strong one still comes home, still holds me, still protects me. But no one has my tears. They are protected by me. I hide them. I love something else now, friend. I love stories. The beautiful one tells the best stories. She laughs when she is supposed to and cries when she is supposed to and she gives the characters different voices. Some are loud and scary, for the giants and ogres; others are small and quiet for the mice and the birds. She runs and jumps and swings me around. We become the characters. We are strong and brave, we are beautiful and kind, we are loud and we are quiet. We sing songs, most of which are songs I have made up right there on the spot. We live other people’s lives until the strong one comes and tells us it is time for sleep. Sometimes we stop after being told just once, but most of the time we laugh and keep going until the strong one is laughing too. On the best nights, the strong one joins us. He becomes the giant, stretching his arms up and changing his voice. He takes me from Beauty’s arms but I am not afraid. The strong one would never hurt me. He lifts me so high that I touch the ceiling with my fingertips. I touch it as gently as Mrs. Beautiful touched my face that day with the tears. I take the ceilings tears, and save them for later. The strong one places me in my bed and does the covers tight just how I like them. This is where I start doing something else that I am really great at. I start pretending. I pretend I am asleep. Beauty kisses me and whispers that I am her sunshine forever and always. Mr. strong whispers to me, it’s something silly. He is testing me to see if I am faking. I am faking but he’ll never know it. I don’t crack a smile. I am a great pretender I have decided. One day I will see if I can make a career out of pretending. I know deep down that I must be a good pretender. Beauty and Strong have to think I am sleeping. They stand over me and watch me, I can feel them. I can feel their smiles. I must remain ever so still, so that maybe I can take beauty and strength for myself. I must be strong and I must be beautiful. I must be funny. I must be brave. I must jump.
I have a secret for you, friend. I am scared. If I am not strong or brave, funny or beautiful, then am I anyone? If I do not jump, then what do I do? Can I swing forever?
I go to school and I try to make friends. I talk to people, I smile at them. They don’t smile back. I walk up to a group of girls and they walk away. I try with all kinds of people, not just the popular ones. Play on your own and they’ll come to you, Beauty says. I try that, but no one comes. Don’t they know that I am funny? Don’t they want to hear my jokes? Do they know that I am the beautiful one’s sunshine? Do they know how high I can swing? I wonder if they know about the purple stain. That’s impossible, right friend? That is a special secret, one that no one knows. I wonder if they know that I cry. I wonder if my tears fall purple down my white face. I have to stop. No one can know, I promised myself. I promised that I would keep that secret. No one can know that I cry. I catch my tears and put them away. Not now, little guys. You stay put until I come get you. You stay put now, you hear? Tears are tricky things. You can’t let them get away with too much.

Dear friend,
I am older now, friend. I am thirteen, to be exact. Isn’t that a magical age? I am wiser now too, but I hope that I haven’t reached my limit on the wise side of things because there are still a lot of things that I don’t understand. I don’t need bedtime stories anymore, which is for the best since Beauty doesn’t have time to tell them and Strong is gone most nights. Nights are my favorite time. I don’t sleep well, friend. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all. But I am still a good pretender, and nights are when I pretend best. Long after Beauty thinks I have fallen asleep she comes in my room and sits on my floor. I love the moon in these moments, friend, because it lights Beauty up so perfectly. The moon knows Beauty really well it seems, because his light hits her in all the right places. Beauty is older now and even though she never says anything, she is tired I can tell. But she is still beautiful, and I am still her sunshine. In these moments when beauty thinks I am asleep she tells me her secrets. Sometimes I think she is telling the moon, too. Maybe that is why the moon knows Beauty’s face so well. She trusts the moon as much as she trusts me, and for a moment I am jealous of the moon. He gets to see everything that I cannot. He has his watchful eye on everyone during the best time which is night. I think to myself about how I might get secrets from the moon. What would I have to do to get him to confide in me? Beauty can never know that I don’t sleep or else she would worry about me. She definitely can not know that I am awake when she sneaks into my room at night, or else she would stop doing it. She would find someone else to tell her secrets to. Do you see now why I must be such a great pretender, friend? Beauty needs me, and I must be there for her. In the quiet of the night I find out things about Beauty that no one else knows. Beauty is scared. Beauty is lonely. Beauty is heartbroken. Beauty cries. She lets her tears fall freely. I try not to flinch as they hit the floor, but I can’t help it. It’s so dangerous. Isn’t she worried that I will find them? Beauty misses Strong, and she worries about him. Beauty wants a brother for me. We had one, once. Strong, Beauty, Sunshine, and Charming. A Perfect family. We were perfect. We were happy. But Charming went away. She cries when she tells me and the moon about Charming. She sings to me, she sings to the moon, she sings to Charming. When she starts singing to Charming, I am so sad that I can’t do anything except hope that Charming can hear her. I turn in my bed so carefully and so quietly so that Beauty doesn’t see. I turn away from her so I can cry too. I cry for Beauty, I cry for Strong, I cry for Charming. My purple tears fall on my white pillow. The wall sees me but I don’t care about the wall. I miss Beauty’s stories. I miss singing. I miss Charming. Beauty misses him too. I know Strong does, but he won’t tell me. He doesn’t whisper things to me anymore, doesn’t lift me up to touch the ceiling. I forgot what the ceiling feels like, so I once climbed on a chair and tried to reach it on my own. I wasn’t tall enough. I stretched and reached, but it wasn’t enough. Alone, I wasn’t enough. Will I ever be enough, friend? Will I ever feel the ceiling again? I looked below and wanted to jump, but I am not ready for jumps yet. Sometimes I feel like at thirteen I should be ready for jumps. Maybe I am just a slow learner. I teeter on the edge for a moment, trying to get the courage to step off.
Beauty found me on the chair and pulled me down. She told me that she didn’t like me up so high. Can’t I just stay out of trouble for one day? Knock, knock I said, but Beauty wasn’t interested. Not now, she says. But if not now, when?
These nights with Beauty have taught me how to be quiet and how to listen. I need to remember to add “listening” to my list of things I am great at. At school I have no friends but I am quiet and I listen. I catch secrets all day long. You wouldn’t believe what people say when they think no one is around, friend! I write them down sometimes, to save them for later. Sometimes I hear them and just let them go because they aren’t worth it. But the good ones I save for later. I think that reading them might make me brave. Reading them will make me smart. Other people’s secrets will make me strong.
Secrets don’t make friends, is what I hear teachers say. What nonsense. Without secrets, how can you make friends? Secrets make perfect friends, secrets make BEST friends. Sometimes I wonder if I don’t have anyone to tell my secrets to, how can I have any friends? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to see it, does it make a sound?
If my tears fall on my pillow and there’s no one there to see them, do they exist? Do they mean anything at all?

Dear friend,
It is me again. I’ve missed you. I am old now, older than I have ever been, but younger than I will be next time I speak to you. I am seventeen. Seventeen should probably be my most magical year, but I hope that isn’t the case, because I don’t feel very magical. I don’t tell jokes anymore, mostly because no one listens. Sometimes I will think of a really good one and tell it to myself, I will even get a good laugh out of it, but then I just feel stupid. Who laughs at their own jokes? If secrets really don’t make friends, I wonder if jokes do. I sing sometimes, but mostly just in my head. Noise irritates Beauty, and Strong doesn’t have time. I have a friend now, and she is what I would call “best”, but she doesn’t feel best. I know a lot of her secrets. Most of them make me sick. At first, I loved collecting them from her. Guess who I love, she would ask me. Guess what I want to be when I grow up? These are the kind of secrets I love. The ones I don’t love so much, the ones that make me sick, are the ones that say guess who I kissed? Guess who is in love with me? Guess who I have seen naked? And even worse, guess who has seen me naked? It was around this time that I made a new partner called jealousy. Who is this girl gaining all these secrets? How is she so lucky? My secrets pale in comparison to hers. I am sad most of the time, unless I am with Best. When I am with Best, I am at my happiest and my saddest at the same time. I am such a great pretender that I don’t know which one I am pretending. When Best would tell me her dark secrets, I would get butterflies in my stomach. This is when I learned that butterflies didn’t always mean happiness. Sometimes butterflies mean scared, or lonely, and in those times I call them bats. When I am around Best I almost always have bats in my stomach.
Beauty is sad now and strong is tired. I can’t even remember what the ceiling feels like or what Beauty’s voices sound like when she tells stories. Beauty stays out of my room now. Sometimes I wonder if she figured out that I was pretending to be asleep all those nights in my room. She never touches my cheek or whispers her secrets to me. I know she still has them though. I hear her sometimes telling them to the phone. Purple hits the carpet then. It stains my cheeks. I thought I was her sunshine. I wonder if the moon is as sad as I am about this change.
I haven’t gone swinging in years but I went today. I pumped myself higher and higher until I could see the tops of the trees. This is the highest I have ever been and I was doing it all on my own. It is funny because all I wanted was for someone to be there to push me. Or at least to see how high up I was getting. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it… I wanted to jump. I tried to jump. I couldn’t do it. I dropped purple gems down my cheeks until the swing stopped moving. I walked home alone.
Best has secrets and she has boyfriends. She even has the boyfriends that I wanted first. I let her have them though because I love her. I did let her have them, right? They didn’t choose her over me? I have so many secrets but I don’t have anyone to tell them to. I wish I had someone who wanted to know my secrets. I can’t feel sad for myself though. I have to be strong. I have to be funny. I make jokes, sometimes people laugh, and sometimes they don’t. It’s fifty-fifty. I am not fifty-fifty though. I am always consistent and I always laugh at my jokes. I will always think I am the funniest, probably because I will always be the funniest.
If a joke is told and nobody laughs, is it really a joke? I have stopped catching my tears. I don’t worry about anyone stealing them because nobody notices me anyways. In order for someone to steal them from me, they’d have to be watching me. The perks of being a wallflower: all of my tears are my own by default. I wonder if the moon can see me in this state, and I wonder if he tells anyone how I act at night. Once I asked him to look in on Best and tell me what she was doing with the boy who should have been mine. Moon just looked down at me and smiled that same smile. It’s a smile that I once thought was beautiful and mysterious but now I just think it is stupid and foolish. Sometimes I feel really very lonely even though I know that I am not. I know that I have Beauty and Strong and that they love me very much. I know that I have Best. But still sometimes it feels like I have no one. On those nights, I try to talk to the wall, but he doesn’t say anything back, probably because walls are stupid and boring. Probably because Wall wastes all of his time being jealous of Ceiling. But the real reason is probably because wall has seen all of my purple tears, and he can’t be bothered.
I am going to tell you a secret, friend. This is my deepest and darkest, and it is the thing I want most in the world. I want to kiss a boy. His name is Handsome and he is in one of my classes at school. He is amazing. Do you want to know what is so amazing about him? EVERYTHING. Sometimes it hurts to look at him. Even his hands are amazing. Can you imagine having amazing hands? I have caught myself on more than one occasion wondering how amazing his feet must be. I want him to wear sandals one day so I can get a peek. Handsome smiles at me a lot. He laughs at my jokes sometimes. He even noticed when I changed my hair, he even told me that he loved it. I couldn’t help myself then, the butterflies came over me and I smiled so big that I giggled. One time he asked to borrow a pen from me. He put the cap in his mouth, I watched him. I keep that pen in my pocket now, I think I will keep it forever. I might use it one day for a love spell. I love handsome so much that my body aches. I think the only thing that would make the aching stop is if handsome held me in his arms, or even just touched me. On our way out the door once he ran into me and knocked my books over. He grabbed my hand and I died a little bit inside, but in a good way. He asked me if I was ok and I couldn’t make any words come out. I wanted to be lovely and charming but all I could say was knock, knock because I knew for sure that I was good at telling jokes. Handsome laughed and said that maybe I should get my head checked. He did the most unfair thing in the world at that moment. He winked at me! And then he just walked away. How awful is life if winks from amazing boys are followed by goodbyes?
Sometimes at night, when I cry my purple tears, I imagine that Handsome is holding me so tight and wiping my tears away. I imagine that his lips are next to my ears. I pretend that he whispers to me. Everything is going to be just fine. I’m here now. I will never leave you. And I believe him because I love him more than life. The greatest thing is, I don’t even care if handsome sees my tears! I want him to see my tears, but not so much that I would go up to him and start crying or anything like that. In the quiet of my room with just the moon watching, I tell Handsome that I love him and that I would do anything for him. I show handsome my tears. He must like purple because he smiles when he sees them. I tell handsome my jokes and he laughs. Handsome gets so close to me that his hair tickles my cheeks and the butterflies come bigger than I have ever felt them in my life. Handsome whispers that I am beautiful and that I am his sunshine. Then he whispers something funny just to make sure that I am not pretending to be asleep. Then handsome tells me his secrets. The moon laughs and shakes his head at my make believe. I ask the moon if he can please tell me what Handsome is doing. I plead with him and I tell him that I want to know about Handsome’s secrets more than I ever wanted to know about what Best was up to. But that old moon just looks down at me with that smile that is both accepting of my mess and disapproving of it. The last thing I remember doing before sleep comes is sticking my tongue out at the moon. I wake up lonely, with purple stains on my pillow. Handsome and the moon are nowhere to be found.

Dear friend,
It seems as though I will never be older than I am right now, but I know that is not true. I feel much older than I did the last time I wrote you, but I won’t give you a number. Guess what I have done since we last spoke, friend? I hope you are ready for butterflies because I have got enough for both of us. Since we last spoke, I have changed. I have grown, I have evolved. I have kissed. I have laughed. I have cried. I made friends. I fell in love. I have lost friends. I have let go. I have left people behind. I hope I am not the smartest that I will ever be, because I still have a lot of questions. I wonder if I will ever know how smart or pretty or funny I am. I wonder if I will ever truly appreciate myself. I wonder if I will ever think I am good enough.
I still cry, my friend, but not so much for myself anymore. I cry for the lonely and broken, for the beaten and the forgotten. I cry for Charming, my very own brother that I still miss. I cry for Beauty and Strong, and all the pain that they have felt and the time that we have lost. I worry a lot more these days, more than I ever have. I feel as though I am happier now than I have ever been, and happier than I ever will be, though I know that is not the case. I know that there is much more joy to come in my life.
Best is no longer in my life, though at times I wish she was. I wish she could see what I have become. Best, it turns out, wasn’t the best thing for me. Do you know who helped me realize that? Handsome did. Remember how I told you that I loved him so? I was so young but I felt it then. I can feel it now, as if I saw him for the first time just yesterday. I wonder if he knows. If you love someone and do not tell them, does that love count? Can they still feel it? I must remember to ask.
Are you wondering about Beauty, friend? Beauty is still the most beautiful thing in the world. She is prettier than any person or item or treasure or photograph or sunset or moon. Beauty smiles when she sees me, Beauty misses me. She tells me that sometimes she sleeps in my empty room, wishing I was still a young girl, wishing she could still hold me. I wonder if she can see my tears on my pillow. We talk on the phone every day. Sometimes Strong gets on the line, just to say something funny so I will laugh. I still laugh. I think I get my humor from him. knock, knock. Who’s there? Bushes. The bushes are always there. Each conversation with Beauty begins with “do you want to know a secret?”, an offer that I always accept. Our conversations end with “you are my sunshine, always and forever”. I can hear the tears in her voice, as I suspect she can hear the tears in mine, but we don’t hold them against each other. I’ll tell you a secret for free, tears don’t always mean sadness. Sometimes they mean happiness or love, and the people who love you won’t ever hold your tears against you.
Sometimes I imagine Strong lifting Beauty up so that she can touch the ceiling. I haven’t seen it myself and I wouldn’t believe it except that it comes from a very reliable source (the moon).
There was a time when the moon knew all of my secrets. Sometimes I think he still does. The moon knows me well. He sits outside my little house in the quiet of the night which is still my favorite time to be awake. He smiles at me as I sit in the rocking chair, holding her. I hold her gently and rock her softly and sing to her. I tell her my jokes. I nourish her and hold her tight. I listen to her breathing. I tell her that purple soda is the best taste in the world, and that driving in your own car listening to music is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a Friday night. I warn her about jumps and about secrets and about bests. Even though I warn her about secrets, I give her all of mine. She is Stunning. Beauty and Strong think Stunning is perfect, and that’s because she is. She is the perfect mixture of Sunshine and Handsome, with a bit of Beauty and Strong. She will be funny like me, probably funnier. She will be kind like handsome. She will be beautiful and strong. When she is old enough I will tell her stories with all of the voices and Handsome will lift her high to the ceiling. She will be loved and happy and she will not be afraid to swing high all by herself, loosen her grip, and jump.
I don’t want to let her go but I do and when I do, I can see the moon smiling at her, like he knows something that I don’t and he probably does. After all, the moon knows what happens when a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it. The moon hears all of our words unspoken. The moon knows all of our secrets and sees all of our tears. And the moon loves us anyways.
I climb into my own bed and look at Handsome. I tell him a funny joke to see if he is faking. He is faking because he laughs. I am still the greatest pretender, but I don’t have to pretend much anymore. Handsome lifts up the covers and I climb underneath. I take his arms and I wrap them around me. I bury my face in his collarbone. I inhale, I smile. Handsome smells the very best. I feel his hands on my back and I know that I am safe. I know that Stunning is safe. Sometimes I think my name should be Lucky, because that is what I am. That is what we all are; Handsome, Stunning, and me. The Lucky Family. Sometimes I can’t believe that I have Handsome’s perfect hands in my life. Sometimes when he holds my hand I can’t help but laugh, and he asks me what is so funny. Bushes, I tell him. When we lie in bed, he is so close that his hair tickles my face as his lips hit my ears. He whispers the biggest, most incredible secrets to me. No one’s secrets are better than Handsome’s. Handsome’s secrets are the best because they are my secrets. He holds me tighter than I ever thought I would want to be held, as I tell him: your secret’s safe with me.
Things are perfect here in my house that is a home. It is a house filled with imperfections and mistakes and love and kindness. It is a house filled with sadness and happiness and greatness. It is a house where someone is always singing and the moon is always welcome. It is a house where no ceiling is too high, and no one is jealous. A house whose refrigerator is always filled with purple soda pop made from fake sparkly grapes. It is my house, it is my home. It is where I belong. It is where my secrets are told and kept, and my tears are wiped away and not used against me. It is a place where butterflies are just as welcome as bats, because it is important to know the difference. It is a home where nothing falls without notice, and all of my I love you's are heard.
It is a house that is a home with purple carpet.

(Inspiration for this story comes from my childhood, insomnia, a friend, and the songs “secrets”, “a house is not a home”, and “me and the moon”.)

closure.

2010-04-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

"Ross... hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that... everything's fine, and I'm really happy for you, and your cat, who by the way I think you should name 'Michael'. So you see there, I'm thinking of names, so obviously I'm over you... I'm. Over. You. And that, my friend, is what they call 'closure'."

closure is a funny thing. i've just googled it, for research purposes, and i've noticed that no less than ten bands have songs with the word "closure" in the title. that doesn't even count the hundreds, probably thousands of songs that are written about closure. i don't know if there's a way to look that up, but i bet that number is up there pretty high. i've just been thinking about what closure is really; what it means. and how do i know i've achieved it?

i wish closure was a phonecall. i wish closure was a voice mail or a text message, or even an email. i wish closure was a picture. i wish closure was achieved when someone treated me poorly, even one time. i wish days away from someone equalled closure (once you reach "30", it's a done deal). i wish weeks away did. if it can't be days or weeks, then months and years. why is it that i can achieve closure with some people after one incident, while i hang onto others for years sometimes? i guess closure, like time, is a funny thing; when it comes right down to it, it's not really measured by numbers at all.

when friends was first shown on tv, i was pretty young. too young to understand everything that they were talking about, that's for sure, but one episode from my youth always stuck out to me. it was odd, but at times during my day, i would find myself reciting rachel's words in my head whenever i was "over" someone or something. "and THAT, my friend, is CUH-LOWSURE", i would say to myself, sometimes outloud. unfortunately, i've never had the chance to actually tell someone off to their face (i quite often tell people off, but they're never around to hear it), but if i ever do get the chance, i know for a fact that i'm going to end my rant with those words. in the episode, ross has just moved in with his new girfriend julie and rachel, in an attempt to move on from ross, goes on a date with michael (unsuspecting victim). she has a bit too much to drink, and ends up borrowing a cell phone to call ross in the middle of her date. she gets his machine and leaves a foolish, drunken message about her definition of closure. of course in the morning she remembers none of it, and it actually turns out that she definately is not over him. so i guess drunken phone messages don't mean closure either, not even in tv world.

it really is a chore being me, i'll tell you that for free. at times i make things harder than they have to be, and i am super critical of myself always. i'm not super obsessive over the person i like or anything, and i definately am not the crazy stalker girl who lurks facebook all day to see what people write on his page, but i do like to define things. i like to talk about things, and i definately need closure when it's over. if i am summing this up for you, i am basically a guy's worst nightmare (i am defining "guy" by example here. i can only go by what i know). in my experience, guys like to define almost nothing as far as relationships go ("it's just kissing, why does it have to mean something?"), talk about almost nothing that is bothering you, definately the "ignore it and it will go away" business (which NEVER works. i'll let you in on a secret, it doesn't go away, it festers and comes out three months later over dinner, sometimes in public.), and aren't really into the whole closure thing. it seems to me it's sort of a "when i'm done, i'm out" type of scenario. this, i can't handle. i'd rather have someone insult me to my face, and tell me that everything is my fault (even if it isn't). when that happens, it becomes very easy for me very quickly to let that person go. when there is no fight, and there is no blame, no name calling; when things just stop, for no reason at all, i have a very hard time letting go. i have a hard time accepting the "there's no reason" speech. i don't sit and think about that person all the time or anything, but when i don't have closure, a small part of me tends to still hold on to them. my grip isn't tight, it's soft and subtle, but it's still there. it's funny how i can go months without realizing it, but something always happens to remind me that i'm still holding on. i need to let go regardless of if the other person hasn't, but especially if they have. the thing about letting go, about closure, is it has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with yourself. i need to let go for me.

i have this scenario that plays in my mind often of me driving away from someone. anyone, really, in my thoughts they don't have a face. i am just driving, driving, further away. i can see them, still see them. they get smaller and smaller until i can't tell them from the rest of the scenery behind me. it all just blends together as part of where i used to be, part of my past. maybe closure is just that, driving away from someone and not looking back. maybe closure is looking forward. maybe closure is letting go, and not just loosening my grip. not a phonecall, or an insult, or even an event. maybe it's just opening my palm and letting them go until they become part of the scenery.

and that, my friends, is closure.

breaking up is hard to do (but saying goodbye is harder)

2010-04-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

goodbyes are rough. i don't care how old i get, or how much "experience" i have in this area, they still absolutely tear me apart. it's part of the reason i don't dare move out of state, even though i want to so badly at times. i know i could never ever never say goodbye to my mother. since i am staying in one place, i have taken on the role of "the left behind". i have the wonderful task of watching everyone leave. the reasons differ (marriage, school, jobs, family, missions...), but the end result is always the same: people always leave. sometimes the only thing that dulls the sting of goodbyes (for me) is music. i find myself making mix cds more often than not lately, and i don't think that is a coincidence. i just wanted to jot a few of my favourites down here in case any of you have goodbyes to do.

1. a lack of colour- death cab for cutie.
2. aimee- damien rice.
3. blacking out the friction- death cab for cutie.
4. cautioners- jimmy eat world.
5. globes and maps- something corporate.
6. goodbye, goodnight- mae.
7. goodbye sky harbor- jimmy eat world.
8. hello goodbye- the beatles.
9. last of days- a fine frenzy.
10. long goodnight- the get up kids.
11. sleep- copeland.
12. so far away- carole king.
13. split screen sadness- john mayer.
14. what sarah said- death cab for cutie.
15. wheel- john mayer.

goals and the people who make them

2010-03-25T18:26:00.000-07:00

i was quite abitious on new year's eve when i made my list of things that i wanted to accomplish in 2010. here we are, near the end of march, and i've had to admit to myself that one; i'm not doing as well as i thought i would (2010 was going to be MY year!), and two; it may be time to start (yet again) renegotiating with myself. i.e. maybe i don't need to go to disneyland once a month. that's a harder reality to face when you foolishly purchased the year-round pass, i might add. i have to admit the pass looks pretty cool in my wallet, but i could've saved the money and just put a picture of snoopy in my wallet. he's pretty cool, right?
one of the goals that i have really been trying at is the losing weight goal. i am really looking forward to a time when this is not on my "things to accomplish this year" list. maybe it comes from having my foot in a cast for the first two months of the year, because i have to say i've never been more excited to work out than i was the day i took that stinky boot off. the point is, i've been doing really well the past month, and i'm pretty proud of myself. it almost makes up for the fact that i've not gone to disneyland yet. one of the funnest things for me about excercising is where my mind wanders while i'm working out. i think of alot of stuff during that time, it's almost as bad as when i am just about to fall asleep. you know how at night you get in this phase where you're nearly asleep but not quite, kind of like a zombie? that's how i am all night, i don't think i actually ever fall asleep, and my mind goes to the weirdest places. i start thinking about how weird it is that things like penguins and bananas exist in one minute, and then the next minute i'm thinking about how weird it is that babies live inside a woman's body for nine months, which of course leads me to think of being pregnant, which leads me to think about giving birth, which leads me to wonder if i will ever give birth, which leads me to wonder if i will ever get married, which leads me to wonder if i will ever have a boyfriend. ugh. it's exhausting, really. this is what my mind does all night, by the way, which is why i am never surprised when i wake up for work feeling like my head has been under water all night. (my favourite comment to recieve from a 7:00 patient in the morning is: "you look tired today." yes, this has happened more than once, and no, it isn't a compliment.)
i've been thinking alot lately about the stages of grief. some people say there are five stages, some people say there are seven, some people say there are ten. i think it is different for everyone. i may actually have twenty stages of greif. what can i say, i'm a recovering pack rat. five of anything just isn't enough. after researching, i have concluded that, for me (probably for most people) there are six stages of greif. today during my excercise time, i realized that these particular stages apply to excercise as well. maybe that's because excercising gives me grief (no disrespect to grief intended).
stage one: denial.
i don't really need to work out. going to the gym just isn't for me.
stage two: guilt.
i feel like crap for not excercising today. why am i so lazy? what did i do instead that was so much more important? oh that's right, i watched two episodes of dawson's creek (this may or may not be my life at the moment).
stage three: anger.
i hate working out. i hate sweating. why do i have to work out when so-and-so doesn't? why can't i just have better metabolism? i hate working out!
stage four: bargaining.
i'll just run twice around the block. i'll skip today and just eat cotton balls soaked in orange juice tomorrow (do. not. try.). meh, twenty minutes is enough for today.
stage five: depression.
i look like crap. i feel like crap. are these pants getting smaller? why are my arms starting to look like wings? nothing is right here.
stage six: acceptance.
yes, i do have to workout today. yes, two laps is better than none. yes, i do have worse metabolism than some. yes, i will probably have to excercise everyday for the rest of my life. no, i can't just go to sleep early. no, i can't just skip today. no, i'm tired isn't an excuse.

today i had a stage four workout. i stopped working out for a bit to talk to my mom (tip: never do this. you never want to start back up again) and eventually ended up deciding that twenty minutes was good enough for today, and maybe i'd do that cotton ball thing tomorrow.
in life, some days are stage four days, and some days are stage six days. sometimes, i have a two day. the really crap days are the stage one days, where i never even accept the fact that i'm awake. sometimes, i find myself hitting all six stages before lunch (i call those days "saturdays"). i guess if i were to set a goal for myself, i would say that i want all of my days to be a stage six. because really, any day that you're alive, making plans, texting your best friend all day, having lunch with your mom, working and making money, driving, listening to music, spending time with your family, and sleeping in your own bed is a day to be accepted and celebrated.

GRIEF: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE DONE.

2010-03-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

According to wikipedia, the current source of my information, grief is “a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed”. Leave it to wikipedia to spread something out in its most simplest of terms. Wiki goes on to tell me that, “although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, [grief] also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions”. I guess I should thank wikipedia for the explanation, because right now I can’t find one of my own.
Life has an interesting way of reminding us that all of the old, over-done clichés are true. That the fact that you’re alive is something to be celebrated, that nothing gold can stay. That yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and that today really is a gift, and that’s why it’s called the present. Two weeks ago, my definition of “bad day” was redefined. Two weeks ago, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling sorry for someone who really needed it. I’ve been very blessed my whole life with the gift of words, and not just any words, but the right words. I have always known what to say to someone to make them feel better. Two weeks ago, my words were taken from me, and I realized that without them, there was nothing I could do except cry.
I don’t know what the harder lesson to learn in this life is: the fact that there are some experiences that I must face alone, or that there are some experiences that someone I love must face alone. The thing about grief is that it changes things, it changes people. When you’re grieving, music sounds different, food tastes different, the air smells different. Everyday tasks become robotic. Get up. Get dressed. Fix breakfast. Go to work. Work. Come home from work. Try to eat. Try to watch TV. Try to talk to someone. Sleep. Two weeks ago, my best friend became my grieving friend, and my words weren’t enough.
One of the most upsetting things about grief is that it takes the light out of everything. Activities that you used to love become pointless. Why shop when she is gone? Why sing when she is gone? The most unfair thing about losing someone we love is that when that person passes away, we don’t, and we have to keep going without them. Must keep breathing. Must keep smiling. Must keep working. Must. Function.
One of the neat things about grief though, is that it allows you to see what you are capable of. It’s truly a test for the strong ones. As I’ve stood on the outside of my friend’s grief, I’ve made a few observations. One: her family is amazing. It’s been quite amazing to watch them band together in their time of sorrow and show such great love and care for the sister who has passed. It has been stunning to see the way in which they carry each other, the way they bear their own grief as well as the grief and sorrow of each other. The second thing I’ve noticed is that my friend is stronger than she thinks she is. I’ve always known that she possessed something special inside her, so I’m not surprised that she has risen to this challenge so bravely, but it is still amazing to see how the gifts we have been blessed with present themselves when we need them most.
Wikipedia defines friendship as “a type of companionship that a human towards another human being can have. It is a bond in which one person has a feeling toward another person. Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. It is a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect, along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty towards each other.” I am so lucky to have been blessed with the friendships that I have in my life. I haven’t always had friends that fit this description; in fact I think I managed to find a few friends that were the exact opposite off that description. I am grateful for those friends too; it’s because of them that I am able to realize just how extraordinary it is to find someone who would do anything for you. It’s not easy to find a friend that will bring you a pepsi when you’re sick, or visit you at work when you’re bored. A friend that will spend months concocting a birthday present for you. A friend that will send you a handwritten letter. A friend that will stay up late watching movies with you. A friend whose love crosses county and state lines. A friend who has been there for you in your most trying times and a friend who will continue to be there for all of your trials to come. A friend that isn’t afraid to stand up for you, who isn’t ashamed to be with you (even when you’re wearing your mumu). A friend that will bear your griefs as her own. A friend that cries for you when you can’t cry anymore.
I sometimes wonder what my purpose here on earth is. Am I destined to be a wife and mother? Am I destined to be famous? Am I destined to be a spinster forever? What I have never questioned though, is my ability to love, and to love unconditionally. My ability to see the good in others. My ability to know which words to use, and when to use them. My ability to recognize when someone is hurting. The sympathy and empathy I feel for those that I love. My honesty, even when the truth hurts. My understanding. When I gather all those factors together and form a list, what that list consists of is qualities that make a really great friend. Maybe that is my “destiny”, if such a thing even exists. Maybe I am destined to be everyone’s friend. There was a time when I detested being known as “the friend”, but maybe I was just looking at it from the wrong angle. I used to always feel like a chump, because in relationships, friend or otherwise, I was always the more loving/caring/giving. There’s a song lyric that I think about often that says, “I believe that my life is going to see the love I give returned to me”, and I think that is exactly what has happened in my life. All of the past “friends” who took me for granted have dropped off, weeded themselves out. And what I am left with is a handful of amazing, strong people who I know feel exactly the same way about me as I do about them. Maybe it is my destiny to be a forever friend. Maybe, just maybe, I am totally and completely okay with that.

you know i'm a dreamer, but my heart is of gold.

2010-02-26T10:24:00.000-08:00

"A good writer writes well about what he knows.
A great writer writes even better about what he doesn’t."
-Alicia Law

It’s hard to say for sure, but it’s probable that my greatest wish in life is to be a writer. I should rephrase that, because I feel like I am already a writer. I want to be a published writer. It seems like I am constantly writing, every minute of every day. Aside from the two or three letters that I write daily, my mind is always filled with words. I’ve often found it fascinating how musicians are able to write songs. Sometimes I listen to a song and think, “how can someone possibly write these words?” And then I realize that musicians are probably constantly writing songs in their head, just as I am constantly writing stories in my head. In a way, my stories have saved me. Growing up, when someone was mean to me, or when, tragically, I had a crush on someone and they saw me as “just a friend” (ah, the woes of high school love), I would go home, get out a notebook, and write a story about it. The difference between the story I wrote and the real-life outcome of my experiences was that my stories always gave me a happy ending. I was able to write myself out of the reality that I lived in and create a world in which I was the hero, I was the winner, I was the cherished one. I know there are some out there who would question whether or not it is a good idea for a person to create alternate realities for themselves, but for me, it helped me deal with the experiences that I was having. It made not getting what I want just a bit easier.
As far back as I can remember I have been a dreamer. It is one of the things that I love most about myself, although at times it does make my reality harder to swallow. When I was five, I confessed to the entire graduating kindergarten class (and all their families) that I, Gabrielle Walz, wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up. Imagine my disappointment when I realized that my dream was never going to become a reality (that doesn’t mean that I didn’t slip a diving ring around my ankles in the pool and pretend that my legs were fins, because I did). In junior high, I believed very much in true love, and soul mates. One can only assume that I was heartbroken when the boy I thought I was going to marry was laughing about me behind my back. In high school, I became a bit more realistic about love, although I was still in the mindset that I would be married at 18 like my mother, and that I would have a daughter at age 20. As you can see, I’ve been setting myself up for disappointments for a long time now, not on purpose but mostly as a result of my own naive ness and genuine misunderstanding of how the world works.
I think it was around my 23rd year on this planet that I decided that marriage and motherhood may not come as quickly as I had hoped, if ever. It was also around that time that I decided I was going to be a writer. An event took place that completely turned my whole world upside down, and I remember sitting in my bed thinking, “I have to write this story”. It’s not so much that I felt like everyone needed to know what happened to me, but more so that I felt like I needed to know what happened to me. I needed to remember that I survived. It took me 23 years to realize that a mermaid is not really what I wanted to be when I grew up; I wanted to be a writer. Not as hard to achieve as a mermaid would be, but nearly as realistic.
Mermaid. Teacher. Actress. Mom. Swimmer. Talk show host. Hair stylist. Make-up artist. Mom. Wife. Wizard. Mom. Wife. Writer. From the age of five, I’ve changed my “what I want to be when I grow up” story multiple times, which has prompted me more than once to wonder if I am really ever going to be what I want to be when I “grow up”. Even more than that, it’s made me wonder if there’s a point to ever wanting to be anything. It’s been hard for me not to become a bit cold or callous towards things like love, dreams, and desires, particularly because I don’t know much about achieving them, I only have the experience of them being denied me. It’s made writing my story very difficult as of late, because I find myself not knowing which story to write, or if I should even be writing my own story right now. I feel panic and pressure because I realize I am no spring chicken, I am 25 and unmarried, practically a menace to society. There comes a time when I’ve got to just stop talking and start doing (if only it were that easy, right?). It was the quote at the top of this page that got me thinking that my story doesn’t have to be my personal story. Maybe what I need to do right now is write someone else’s story.
One of the most frustrating things to me is that I know I can do this, and the only thing that is stopping me is fear. I am afraid of not being good enough. It makes me wonder how I can still be worried about being good enough. I would have figured that I would be over that fear by now. I suppose the fear of being “good enough” for someone or something never really leaves us, and in that respect, we still have some growing up to do.
I’m adding something to the list of things I want to be when I grow up: “DREAMER”. Because when I look at that list as a dreamer, it doesn’t seem so impossible. There will always be a part of me that longs to breathe under water, or longs to take on the lives of others in front of a camera, or clean my room with the wave of a wand. I take comfort in knowing that even if those things aren’t possible in this world, I can create a world in which they are possible.
Heaven help me if I am ever quoting Motley Crue in my life, but the lyrics to their song “Home Sweet Home” are actually quite good. “You know I’m a dreamer/But my heart is of gold/You know that I’ve seen/Too many romantic dreams/Up in lights, falling off the silver screen/My heart is like an open book/For the whole world to read/Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams/I’m on my way/Just set me free/I’m on my way/Home sweet home”

perspective.

2010-01-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

i got a daily calendar for christmas (shout out to chanel) entitled "3,650 things to be happy about". it is a little desk calendar in the shape of a sunshine, and on each day, it lists ten things to be happy about. i am fifteen days in, and everyday i have disagreed with at least one of the things listed. i'm not a debbie downer, i'm just stating facts here. so i started to make a game out of it, sort of. i would read the list, and then i would make my own list, which would be reasons why you would not be happy about the things listed. this sounds confusing, but there's a point, promise. here is today's list.

1. a potluck dinner.
reasons to be happy: you get to eat a bunch of good food with fun people.
reasons not to be happy: two reasons to not be happy about this one. one, i have to make something for a lot of people, and two, i have to eat the casarole that the cat lady brought.

2. buying in bulk
happy: bunch of groovy stuff for small prices.
not happy: throwing away uneaten food.

3. a bagpipe playing.
happy: you've got me on this one. but i'm guessing some people find it soothing? beautiful?
not happy: um... loud bagpipe-y noises.

4. cider-baked ham.
happy: it's delicious.
not happy: i hate ham. plus cider-baked burps.

5. alphabetized collections.
happy: oh, the organization!! oh, the joy of finding something when you need it.
not happy: the five hours it took you to organize it. and the re-working of the organization when you get a new cd, movie, etc.

6. the geology of yosemite.
happy: those huge rocks are quite majestic, aren't they?
not happy: who cares about a bunch of dirty rocks really?

7. periscopes.
happy: you can see far away like it's up close.
not happy: so can peeping toms.

8. drum lessons.
happy: you can become a really groovy drummer.
not happy: you can annoy everyone around you.

9. refuge on cape cod.
happy: lighthouses and sunsets by the ocean.
not happy: who can afford to go to cape cod when they need refuge. i seek refuge in my backyard.

10. soap opera synopses.
happy: ah... where else could you see someone marry their uncle and their twin brother, all while in a coma?
not happy: loss of brain cells.

right, so the list ends up being kind of a downer in the end, but here's the whole point of the thing... it gets me thinking every morning about how i have a choice. i can choose to be happy instead of unhappy. i can choose to laugh instead of cry. i can choose to smile instead of frown. i can choose to be bothered, and i can choose not to be bothered. it really puts things in perspective for me, and it's quite empowering. i choose how my day goes. i choose what kind of life i live.
i cannot choose what happens to me, but i can choose how i react. in life, we get dealt crappy hands sometimes. and alot of times, it seems a bit too much to handle. but it is our reaction to the things that happen to us that makes us who we are. we are not defined by events that take place in our lives, we are defined by what we do with what we are given.
i am not the girl who got picked on in school. i am not the girl who got in a car accident. i am not the girl who used to be friends with that other girl. i am not the girl who never has a boyfriend because all the boys she has liked never like her back. i am not the girl who is alone because all of her friends have moved away.
i am the girl who finds those who are picked on and befriends them. i am the girl who recovered. i am the girl who has a backbone. i am the girl who is independent, who doesn't define herself by who she is with. i am the girl who finds strength in the lonliness. i am a girl who can stand on her own two feet. i am a listener, a bleeding heart, a friend.
that ended up being a bit more "women's lib" than i originally intended, but don't worry, i'm still wearing a bra. i haven't burned it.

...yet.

someday at christmas...

2009-12-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

...christmas '09 checklist...

"accidentally" fracture foot three days before we leave so i have to wear a stinky old boot around.

as part two of said "foot fracture" operation, get wheeled around disneyland by my loving family.

get pictures by/of my fave alice in wonderland-themed spots.

get brothers to win me loads of stuffed treasures on the boardwalk.
ride dumbo!

watch fireworks on christmas eve.... and get snowed on!

get "unique" photos of disney.

(yup, counting myself as a unique photo...)

get a good seat for the electrical parade.

get ignored by nearly everyone because nobody listens to me when i am so low to the ground.

solidify invisibilty theory when i am "ran over" by baby toting female (who looks a bit like jennifer lopez to me) and huge black man.

laugh uncontrolably when i realize that "baby toting female" is in fact jennifer lopez, and "huge black man" is her bodyguard.

four celebrity sightings at christmas dinner, including j. lo, marc anthony, leah remini, and taboo from the black eyed peas, the only one that i had the courage to get a picture with (by "get a picture", i mean follow him out of the restaurant and down the hall, evesdropping on his conversation to make sure he wasn't going to punch me in the face when i asked for said picture.)

annoy everyone with "operation: foot fracture".

purchase (i.e. talk mum into purchasing) gorgeous black coat, wear around for the next three days.

confused by the compliment given to me at breakfast from my brother in regards to my new jacket ("you're looking very derelict today"). what i thought he meant: "that new jacket is smashing on you!" what he actually meant "you look like a homeless person"

google "derelict" via cell phone. find, "a person abandoned by society, esp. a person without a permanent home and means of support; vagrant; bum".

try not to hunch over so much in my wheelchair, so as not to confirm my homeless status to anyone.

go to build-a-bear in downtown disney and build an owl. name him "owlvin".

overdose on mickey pretzels and cheese. slip soundly into food coma and die in the happiest place on earth.

....or not.

buy year round pass to disneyland as present to myself, plan on going once a month for an entire year.

...or not.

sometimes silly stuff is worth writing about.

2009-11-06T15:28:00.001-08:00

i guess there are some who might say it is a sad day when i can't be bothered to blog about anything else other than joe jonas's hair, but i think it's a vair good day when i can work a jonas into my blog. and i'll do it because a. it's my blog and i'll blog about nonsense if i want to and b. i am pretty convinced that no one reads this blog anyways, so it's really for my own benefit.

woo hoo, joe jonas got a hair cut! i'm love the new haircut although i am glad that when i met him his hair was long, like this:

(a wolf shirt?! what even?)

now it is perfectly coiffed like so:

forgive me if i am right, but, urm, you can't say he isn't a little bit dashing in this photo. you may hate disney teen stars, or maybe you just hate the jonas brothers in general... but i mean, as a human, he is top shelf in the gorgey porgey department, and i am not wrong there. (bonus points since he is wearing a v-neck, one of eight items that can make even the most unfortunate looking boy better looking.)

i love you, jason segel.

2009-10-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

reasons i love jason segel:

1. he is the perfect size: tall, and slightly chubby.

2. he was in freaks & geeks. not only was he in it, but he played my favorite character, nick andopolis. nick is funny, has tons of basketball trophies, loves music, and freaking tears up the drums (see video below). plus, he wears these short shorts when he plays the drums because he doesn't like the friction that jeans cause on his thighs.

3. he plays the piano (my favorite), the drums, and the guitar. AND he writes music.

4. he loves disneyland, i love disneyland.

5. he plays my favorite character (marshall eriksen) on one of my favorite shows (how i met your mother). marshall (aka "marshmallow") is the best boyfriend/fiancee/husband ever. he loves christmas, he wears funny hats, and he sings everything that he does. plus, um, he's a lawyer, so he is super smart and will be super rich someday.

6. the slapsgiving song, written and performed by jason segel for how i met your mother (see video below):

7. he just teamed up with walt disney studios to write the next muppet movie.

8. he wrote and starred in one of my favorite movies ever, forgetting sarah marshall.

9. when brody jenner has a show called "bromance", it's gay. when jason segel stars in a movie about bromance, it's amazingly awesome and hilarious.

10. this picture:

11. and this picture:

12. two words: dracula musical (see video below):

le sigh.

some doors are better left closed.

2009-10-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

there's this thing that happens to me whenever i get the urge to start organizing my closet (or underneath my bed). i get the urge about every three months. i would get it more often, but the thing about closets is, there is a door on them. so even when it's a mess in there, you can close it and then say, "CLEAN!" it's a love/hate sort of fiasco, because behind the door i know there is a mess of shoes that i never wear, posters that used to be on my wall, and records that need to be organized (among other things), but for a while, the door appeases me. the thing that happens to me when i get the urge to do a martha stewart sort of organization thing is that i buy all new rubbermaid containers and get a trash bag out, determined to throw away what is old and useless and organize what isn't, but i open the closet door, get overwhelmed and decide that it's pointless to try and organize a mess that's been there for years. where do i even start? i mean, if i really dug around in there, i would find yearbooks and spanish papers from tenth grade, and notes from old bff's and a whole bunch of really depressing stuff. so, what happens is, i end up sighing, closing the door, and thinking "some doors are just better left closed". (*side note: i feel the need to say that my closet is actually an organized mess. all of my useless crap has a place. i'm not like, super messy or anything.)
lately that phrase has been popping into my mind alot, and it has me thinking. cleaning isn't the only love/hate relationship i have in my life (offhand excercising comes to mind, which i am currently avoiding)... i've also recently had a serious love/hate relationship with the internet, mainly facebook and blogs. on the one hand, i love things like facebook and blogs because it gives me a chance to stay in touch with people that i love in a world where i am busy most of the time. it is really convenient for me to just be able to logon and read about my cousins, or my friends that have moved away. it's also really nice to be able to send someone a message on facebook when i am thinking about them. i've always been better at expressing myself with words (no surprise there) so it's only natural that i would be attracted to these forms of communication.
lately, however, i hate facebook. blogging, not so much, but facebook kills me. i've been kind of staying away from it, logging on just once in a while to see if i've got a message or something, but everytime i am logged on, i get a rush of TMI. i was logged on for thirty five seconds today and i knew that so-and-so started a farm, so-and-so got shot in some mafia game, i found out where a crush from high school went on his honeymoon, about four people are sick, someone partied a little too hard last night, someone is still partying a little too hard.... this isn't even everything, it's just the beginning. again, i found myself thinking, "some doors should just stay closed". even though i knew these people at one point in my life, i may have even been so close to some of them that i loved them at one point, it doesn't mean i have to know what they had for dinner. i don't think i SHOULD know what they had for dinner, to be honest. sometimes we loose contact with people because that is what is supposed to happen after high school. i liked remembering my high school crush as he was, not married to someone and going on fantastical vacations (hate to admit it, but that hurt worse than it should have i think).
because of the amazing technology we have, we are able to connect with hundreds of thousands of people. we're able to meet people and make new friendships, which is a great thing. i've been really fortunate, i've met some of my closest friends over the internet, and i'm not really ashamed to admit that. but the downside to that technology is that it also aids us in holding on to the past. people who should have been let go a long time ago are just a mouse-click away. one click, and you can see into their whole lives; what they do for work (or don't do, as the case may be), who they married (or haven't married), how many kids they have (or don't have), what kind of car they drive (or bike they ride)... my point is, there are some people who i would love to know about. my cousin just got engaged: great! my best friend got accepted to the college that she applied to: smashing!my cousin got his mission call: hooray! my friend just had a baby: congratulations! on the other hand, there are things i don't care to know about. some kid from third grade likes rainstorms: what? someone i sat next to in home ec junior year is going to a party: why? so-and-so is a fan of something-or-other: WHO THE HELL CARES? i know this makes me sound a little bitter, and it is all kind of like, well if you hate it so much then delete your facebook, why don't you? the thing is, i know there is a happy in-between, i just don't know how to find it.
it used to be that high school friendships/relationships ended with "have an awesome summer! keep in touch!", and while there was sadness in saying goodbye, there was also a nice finality in those goodbyes. now it's more like "have a super fun summer, stalk you in the fall!!"
there are some people that i want to know about, that i don't mind knowing what they ate for lunch, or what they are a fan of. but there are some people that represent a certain time to me, and to know what they do on a daily basis kind of shatters that. there really is a certain pang that occurs when you find out that someone you like is setting up a date with someone else, or that the first boy you ever loved is having a magical life with his new wife. as humans, we are always hard on ourselves, it seems like we are constantly comparing our lives to other people's. now other people's lives are more accessable than ever, and it is easier to compare jobs, spouses, houses, children, etc. it can really make you feel like crap.
sometimes i still feel like a teenager in the sense that a text message can make my day, a small whisper can shatter my world, a picture can break my heart. i don't think i need the help of facebook.
some doors are better left closed. that way we don't have to see the mess that lies behind them.

i've been staying away...

2009-10-07T11:23:00.001-07:00

... why have i been hiding? i don't know. and i don't really feel like i've been hiding, for that matter. lately, i haven't really been interested in posting on this blog, and i don't know why that is. i've had lots of experiences worthy of a mention in a blog, but kind of felt like, c'est le point? erm, anyways. i really don't know why i am writing now except that i just read a little passage somewhere and thought it deserved a space on my blog. so i'm not going to go over what has happened to me since july 17 (although i will make quick mention that i did meet the jonas brothers..... best. day. ever., i decided what i want to be for halloween and have started working on my costume, and i had an interesting experience with a shrimp cocktail last weekend.) i don;t know what it is about this "poem" that caught my eye, it just kind of summed up how i've been feeling these past few months. where does the time go? why is it that nothing gold can stay? i watch people i love make the same mistakes over and over, and i can't do anything to stop it. where have my friends gone? i don't know them anymore. i continue to be baffled by the opposite sex, and the lack of just saying what you feel to someone else. when did words become weapons? why is a question an insult? why are we punished for wanting clarification? why do we make the same mistakes over and over again? why do i feel like i have to clean up other people's messes as well as my own? why do i have this sinking feeling that none of these questions have answers?

i am just going to post this little note and go. i don't know when i'll be back. maybe when i have something i want to say.

lollipops turn into cigarettes.
the innocent ones turn into sluts.
homework goes in the trash.
mobile phones are used in class.
detention becomes suspension.
soda becomes vodka.
bikes become cars.
kisses turn into sex.
remember when getting high meant swinging on a swing?
when protection meant wearing a helmet?
when the worst things you can get from boys were cooties?
dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero?
race issues were about who ran the fastest.
war was only a card game.
and the only drug you knew was cough medicine.
the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees.
and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.
and we couldn't wait to grow up.

what world is this?

2009-07-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

last week i slept in my mutti's bed because my dad was out of town and she needed a bed mate. (she actually ended up being MY bedmate on account of the scorpinox that stung her face, but that's another fiasco all together) we were watching wizards of waverly place when i confided in her. it wasn't necessarily on purpose, the words sort of just came out. "i want to be a wizard so bad; almost as much as i want to be a vampire slayer".
dw being the kind-hearted mutti and bff that she is looked over at me and asked me very seriously, "what world do you live in?"
hmm... i don't really think i know.
i replied, though, by saying, "obviously i live in my own world, one in which i laugh at shows like this because i think they really are funny and not just stupid".
all of this talk got me thinking, and i remembered a scene from one of my favorite movies, alice in wonderland. it's right in the beginning when alice is sitting in the tree with her cat and her older sister is sitting beneath her reading a book out loud. alice is having a vair hard time paying attention, and big sis gets a bit frustrated with her.
"alice, would you kindly pay attention to your history lesson?" she says with an exhaustive sigh.
alice replies, frustrated, "but how can one possibly pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?"
"my dear child, there are a great many books in this world without pictures" (she's right, but that isn't the point, keep reading).
"in your world, perhaps. but in my world, the books would be nothing but pictures!" alice says, quite satisfied.
"your world?! ugh! what nonsense!" her sister laughs.
it is then that alice realizes that yes, if she had a world of her own, everything would be nonsense.

it's true there are things in "my" world that are completely nonsensical, like my desire to have magical powers or the ability to slay vampires (i know, whatever. vampires don't exist, blah, blah...) but i exist in the "normal" world perfectly fine. i have a full-time job, for example. i go grocery shopping with my mom, i take my turn doing the dishes or cooking dinner, i pay my car payment every month, i am responsible (ish) for my healthcare, i excercise... i could go on, but this normal business is quite boring, as you can tell.
my point, however poorly made, is this: why does it matter if sometimes i wish i had the ability to snap my fingers and have a clean room? why does it matter that i laugh, quite often, during an episode of hannah montana? (or JONAS? or wizards of waverly place? never do i laugh at iCARLY, i must add. haha) so what if i'd rather go to disneyland than france? why is it ridiculous for me to like the jonas brothers, just because i'm not fourteen? sure, i've read the harry potter series numerous times, but i also read serious books, classic books, and nonfiction books. i will argue to defend the jonas brothers, but i also will argue (and quite well) to defend my religion, my political beliefs, and my family.
i used to put alot of pressure on myself to let my "nonsense" stuff go. you know, take the posters off of my wall, throw away my joe jonas sweat pants, give up the midnight showings... things like that. it was really hard for a while because i was torn between living a full "grown-up" life and living a life in which i write my "to-do's" down in a harry potter calendar. it was only just the other day, when i was driving to my friend malia's house, that i realized that i can have both, in moderation.
i was driving to malia's for dinner and a music exchange fest but i knew that it might very well be the last time i saw her (for a while, anyway). she is moving to boston next week because her very talented and smart husband got accepted into harvard (woo hoo). i was kind of, sort of crying because i am really sad to lose her. she is a very good friend to me and i love her quite alot. while i was driving i was listening to a jonas brothers cd from 2006 when they were basically just babies (it's really very comical) and this song came on and it was nick's little voice singing "time for me to fly" or something silly, and for a moment i really just felt vair, vair happy.
here i was, going to do this "grown-up" thing, saying goodbye, and i was listening to teen pop- and loving it. for a moment i thought, "who cares?", and i meant that about everything. i have never cared what people think of me, why would i start now, so late in life? i don't care if people laugh at me or think i am ridiculous because i am, quite literally, in my own world. they don't have to like it because they aren't invited to live in it anyways.
i saw harry potter and the half blood prince yesterday (loved every second of it, you should know), and the scene that was my favorite was when harry drinks his felix felicis. he was so funny during those moments when he was affected by the "liquid luck" and it was so fun to see harry so carefree (he is usually under some distress. that comes with being "the chosen one", i suppose) anyways, here are some things that i consider my "felix felicis", the things that make me a bit floaty and giddy. these are some things that make my world spin round; things that make me happy no matter how bummed i am. i'll keep the list short, so as not to get too boring.

-a cold bottle of evian.
-swimming.
-my mother.
-any episode from any season of buffy the vampire slayer.
-any *NSYNC song from the "no strings attached" album.
- when one (or all) of the jonas boys wear a v-neck shirt or a plaid button-up shirt. bonus points if they wear them both together.
-pizza.
-driving up the mountain at night with chanel, and singing at tip top notch.
-random text messages.
-taking pictures of myself. i don't know why. i just think this is fun.
-michael scott. bonus points if he is having a conversation with dwight or jim.
-episodes of JONAS and wizards of waverly place. i don't watch tv ever, really. but when i do, it is tivoed episodes of these shows.
-getting emails from my aunt jennie.
-texting with malia about stupid celebrity gossip.
-my lovelies (cole, summer, meg, and isaac. malleri, merissa, and ella.)
-going to a movie with my family.
-reading things that i have written.
-my primary class (and presidency).
-reading old emails and instant messaging conversations from kenny.
-writing and reciting haiku's in accents with samantha.

it isn't hard to gain access into my world, it just takes a little acceptance. sometimes, if we let ourselves go and accept that we cannot control every little thing that happens to us, it's easier to remember what made us so carefree as children. i struggle with life, there's no doubt. it seems as though there is something new to think or worry about everyday. but it helps if i can slip away for small moments into a place where magic happens.

don't worry, i always come back.

love,
gabrielle.
xx

utah... sort of.

2009-07-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

here is mr. joe jonas, pledging aliegance to me. oh, joe...

i've got so many photos to post from my trip to utah (most of them from my jonas brothers concert, not gonna lie). i would like to post them, truly i would. but the fly in the ointment is that my uploader is slower than a slow thing on a slow road to slow town. i am working on a concert blog for the few jonas readers that i have, but it will be a while before i get that going. so this is just a sample of what is in store. isn't it loverly?

i quite think so.

until next time,
gabrielle.

**side note: the blog has been posted. it's a couple posts below this one.
xx

discovery!

2009-07-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

so i bought these glasses like a year ago and i just discovered them in my side table drawer tonight and realized that, um, i love them. even if they are comedy status. i got opinions from my friends about them and they all said they were ok to wear in public so i am thinking i may give it a try someday soon. result!

me and mr. jonas. mr. jonases... mr. jonai?

2009-07-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

some of these are awesome, some of them are weird. some of them are fuzzy and out of focus... but i love them all. i had the best time at the concert. i was jumping around like a maniac. A MANIAC. but that is neither here nor there. the boys' set was cut short because shedaisy played beforehand. who the crap is shedaisy and who on this earth wants to see them sing? not me, that's who. jonas brothers only had a thirty minute set but they did a good job fitting as many songs in as possible. set list was:
"paranoid"
"the way we roll"
"hold on"
"play my music"
"much better"
"year 3000"
"tonight"
"gotta find you"
"when you look me in the eye"
"sweet caroline"
"lovebug"
"s.o.s."
"burnin' up"

i just noticed nick's crotchal region on the screen behind joe. hmmm.

i wish my camera wasn't a fuzzy piece of trash. then maybe these would have turned out a bit clearer.

i don't really know that all of these pictures need captions. in fact, i'm gonna go ahead and say that they don't. i just feel like i should comment on them for some reason. this was during the last song when nick felt it was necessary to unbutton his shirt.

kevin always looks like a goof. i think it's the hair. i love him anyways, so it doesn't matter. check out his sweet guitar though.

we had a really hard time getting a picture of all three of them looking the same way at the same time. this time nick's guitar ruined everything.

this picture is my favorite. for now, anyways. it'll change eventually.

nick on the piano. yummy scrumboes. i think this was during "when you look me in the eye".

kevin ruined this one by turning his head.

i have a ton more but who wants to see 300+ jonas pictures besides me? nobody who reads this blog, i'll tell you that for free.

loves,

gabs.

xxx

** i feel the need to make a slight addendum to this post. i don't have anything against shedaisy as a band, i just dislike when something is advertised as a jonas brothers headliner and then stage time is split down the middle with another band. i would have been annoyed no matter who it was, the fact that it was a band that hasn't had a cd since 2006 just makes the choice random. i have respect for all musicians, doesn't mean i like them all, but i have a respect for them. my frustration comes from paying $125 and travelling ten hours for a jonas show that ended up being just thirty minutes long. that's all. end of story, thank you, byebye.

positive/negative.

2009-06-24T14:48:00.001-07:00

PLUSES:
These are the things that made me smile over the past couple weeks...

The Proposal. I feel like by seeing every other Sandra Bullock movie I’ve already seen this movie, but I took a chance and went anyways. It was surprisingly cute, although I think a lot of that has to do with Ryan Reynolds and his sweaty body, but that’s another story. Anyways, this movie knocked The Hangover out of the number one spot so that deserves some plus points in my book. Plus 100 for the number one spot and plus an extra hundred for Ryan Reynolds and his vegetable oiled abs. You really could make brownies on those things.

** also, sandy's hair had great bounceability factor in this film. way to go, sandy b.

Bruno. This movie looks hilarious. I went to see Year One on Friday night and this preview was funnier than the entire movie. Sascha Baron Cohen is grotesque but oh-so-hilario and I am actually semi-ashamed to admit my excitement for this movie. Sadly I can't post the trailer on here bc there's a copright on it, but you can find it on youtube. I think his accent is what kills me the most. 500 points for Bruno!

*how can it not be funny?

Chace Crawford. Oh dear. This boy gives Zefron a run for his money. He has a slight case of fem-face but I’m looking past that on account of the fact that he is dreamy and quite possibly a republican, which means he is smart too. He is on the cover of People Magazine’s Most Eligible Bachelor issue which means he beat out people like Zefron and Robert Pattinson which, in this day and age, is hard to do. I’m not thrilled about the news of a Footloose remake, but with him in it, I’ll deffo be seeing it opening weekend. 77 points for Chacey-Face.

*muy delicioso. too bad he had to share the cover with scary kate. yipes!

Michael Cera. This boy has had a vair special place in my heart for years on account of him being George Michael Bluth in what is probably my favorite show of all time, Arrested Development. I know a lot of people feel like he plays the same character every time, but he plays it so well, why shouldn’t he? So he’ll never win an Oscar, but (cheesy enough as it is) he has already won my heart. I mean, this kid is what made Juno bearable for me, and that is saying a lot. He has a movie coming out in August that I am beyond excited for. I’m going to give him 50 points for making Year One watchable for me. Thanks, mike.

*look at that face. you have to lobe him!

Paper Heart. Ugh. I about die every time I see this preview. I am so excited for the movie, which comes out August 7th. I really get nervous when I am so excited for a movie, because so often I am left unsatisfied, but I really think this one is going to deliver. I think about thirty seconds into the trailer, Charlyne Yi says “I don’t believe in love” and that is when I knew that this movie is going to be amazing. My friends always give me a hard time when I say that I don’t believe in love or that I would choose money over love, so the instant I found out the premise of this movie, I was intrigued. Who knows, maybe I’ll be an actual human being after I’m done watching it. At any rate, it looks like a sweet summer flick and I am v.v. excited to see it. Oh and it has my favorite Michael Cera, did you see him in there? How to-die-for is he? Just a little tid-bit, while filming this movie, Michael and Charlyne (wait for it) fell in love (awww, big, “Full House”-type sigh now, everyone) and they are now dating in real life. Oh, young love. Why haven’t you found me? Anyways, 500 points to Charlyne Yi for writing the movie, and another 50 for Michael Cera. And ten points for the little black girl who, in the trailer, says “When you love someone you take them to Applebee’s and buy them hot wings”. What is more adorable than that?

Books. Ah, yes, I forgot about books there for a moment. I love books, books, books. I love getting lost in the pages. Books are like music for me in that I can totally get lost in one. I’ve had an unfortunate run with books lately, though, because I haven’t read a great one in so so long. I often find myself wondering if I have read every great book that there is to read, simply because I can’t find any new material that really amazes me. Recently I discovered that two (TWO!!) of my favorite authors are coming out with new books in a short few months and ever since then I have found myself itching to read. One of the authors, Laura Moriarty, wrote a book a few years ago called The Center of Everything that holds a spot in my top 10 favorite books of all time list (have I given you that list? It’s an amazing one, I’ll tell you that for free. Maybe some other time?). She has a book coming out on August 4th called, While I’m Falling that sounds so magnificent, I can’t wait to read it. If any of you are looking for a great summer read, go get The Center of Everything, you’ll instantly fall in love.

Another of my favorite authors is a British woman, Louise Rennison, who writes a teen series about a girl named Georgia Nicolson (who is hilarious times a thousand). I read my first Georgia Nicolson book in 2003 and have been in love ever since. I think the reason I loved the character initially is because it reminded me of a sort of British version of myself. Georgia gets herself in the most interesting situations, and her foot pretty much lives in her mouth. The tenth and final book comes out October 6th so last week I re-read books 1-9 to refresh my memory and they are as hilarious as the first time I read them. They are really very easy reads, I mean, I read nine in one week so you can imagine that they’re quick. I actually am so eager to find out how the series ends that I ordered the 10th installment via amazon UK so I could get it on June 25th instead of waiting all the way until October. Haha what a nerd. Guys, read some books. If you need some suggestions, I’ve got a ton. 5,000 points for reading!! Yay!

*the first eight books in the Georgia Nicolson series.

* the ninth book.

* the tenth and final book. this is the UK cover. the US cover hasn't been released yet.

Jonas Brothers. Come on, you knew they were going to be on this list somewhere. This has actually been a great week for them. Last Tuesday they released their fourth studio album, Lines, Vines, and Trying Times, and it is currently number one (!). In a couple weeks, they will grace the cover of Rolling Stone magazine for the second time in a year, still holding the record for the youngest band ever to be on the cover. Aside from being (in my opinion) dream boats and hunk-a-sauruses, they actually write really good lyrics and music and they are AMAZINGLY nice human beings. They’re on the cover of Good Housekeeping this month with their mother, Denise, who gives a great interview about being a mother and making good decisions as a mother. They were on Larry King Live last Thursday and they held their own against the corpse in suspenders. They hosted the MuchMusic Awards in Canada last weekend AND they kicked off their world tour (of which I am attending TWO dates this summer). They even made time to stop by the White House yesterday to talk to congress about juvenile diabetes which Nick has started a foundation for. Phew. It’s exhausting being good looking and doing good works all while fighting rumors of dating Miley Cyrus (I haven’t experienced this personally, I’m just assuming…). Yay for the Jonai. I just want to give them a million points for making such a great album.

* "boys to men", indeed.

MINUSES:

There are few (if any) excuses for the following:

David Archuleta’s dad. Don’t even know his name, although I don’t think it’s an important part of the story. He was arrested last week for prostitution. I know we are all human and everyone makes mistakes but, way to go, Mormon dad!! So sad for little Archie and his family L poor fella. I don’t know if there are enough minus points for this. Sad city, population: Papa Archie.

Transformers. I don’t know if I am being harsh on this movie because Megan Fox is in it or because I have a sixth sense for detecting stupid movies. The review on msn.com was hilarious and also may have pushed me closer to deciding that I won’t see it. I’ve spent enough money on lousy disappointing movies, I don’t know if I have it in me to sit through another one. Supposedly there are two new cars introduced that are “Jar Jar Binx”-like characters. Didn’t we all have enough Jar Jar Binx to last us, well, forever? I love me some Shia LaBeouf, but I don’t know if he is enough to save this movie. It’ll probably make a killing at the box office, but for now it sits on my minus list.

Megan Fox. Who else is tired of hearing this broad talk? Perhaps more annoying than her comments on kissing girls, legalizing pot, and sleeping around (all sprinkled with colorful language) is the fact that people keep asking her these questions. Why do we care again? And aren’t you dating the guy who isn’t Dylan from 90210? Don’t worry, though. Talk to her for five seconds and she’ll tell you all about her bisexuality, how she loves smoking weed, and how she hates wearing clothes. Maybe what I find so weird is the fact that the general single Mormon guy population thinks that she is the hottest thing on the planet. I’m actually pretty shocked by that since I thought that almost everyone shared the opinion that she is pretty much trash personified. You wouldn’t believe the amount of Facebook statuses this morning that said “Megan fox is hot!” or “forget the movie… Megan Fox is a goddess!” Right, boys. And I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother. I hate to sound so bitter about her, and it’d be different if she had something intelligent to add every once in a while, but it’s like she just says what she thinks she is supposed to say to sound cool. What is this, the eighth grade? Minus 500 for her, I don’t care how pretty she is. And minus a thousand for any guy who thinks she is amazing.

Year One. This movie was just disappointing. I was so looking forward to it, too so I was really bummed. Aside from a few funnies, it was a dud. The formula seemed fool-proof. Michael Cera, Jack Black, cameos by Paul Rudd, David Cross, and Bill Heder, directed by Harold Ramis… but it just wasn’t enough. I did, however, laugh my guts out during the credits when Bill Heder did his impression of Daniel Day Lewis. But I’m pretty sure me and d.w. were the only people in the theater who got the joke. Minus 9 because that’s how many dollars I spent on the ticket. (alright, d.w. bought the ticket. Sorry!)

*hilarious guys in even more hilarious loin cloths? sadly, not hilarious enough.

New New Moon book cover. If I have to see any more behind the scenes on this movie, I may barf. This whole series has become so unfortunately over-exposed, it saddens me. At any rate, changing the cover of a book that is already on the shelves to match the movie poster is just a shameless marketing ploy. Minus five.

* i don't know what to address here. the bad tattoo, the ghastly face in the moon, kristen stewart in general? too much to handle. but they do include a handy "exclusive" poster inside the book.

Mexican food. Because I just ate some for lunch and now I feel like I may explode. Ugh.

tim burton's alice in wonderland...

2009-06-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

i am beyond excited for this. favorite director? tim burton. favorite disney movie of all time? alice in wonderland. one of my favorite actors? johnny depp. march 5, 2010 cannot get here fast enough. USA today leaked some pics from the movie set today. just thought i'd post them for anyone who is interested.

anne hathaway as the white queen.

johnny depp as the mad hatter.

helena bonham carter as the red queen.

mia wasikowska as alice.

matt lucas as tweedle dee and tweedle dum.

I AM ZO EXCITED! the new official alice in wonderland movie site is up and running at disney.com. you can sign up there to receive emails about updates and stuff.

chop chop

2009-06-21T17:32:00.001-07:00

so, it's only three and a half inches, but when you don't have inches to lose in the first place, that seems like ALOT.

it was v.v. difficult for me to get any decent looking pictures. probably because i have a breakout of lurking lurkers on my shnozz.

plus means positive, minus means negative.

2009-06-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

here is a list of my pluses and minuses of the week, straight from this girl (me):

plus: joe jonas' you tube video of him dancing to "single ladies" by beyonce. hate the song, love this leotard. enjoy.

joe gets +500 for dancing in that thing. and +100 more just for being a jonas.

minus: that stupid eminem and bruno stunt at the mtv movie awards. google it if you don't know what that's all about. i can't post it on here. it's too ridiculous. minus a thousand for both of them. meh, minus a thousand and one for eminem.

plus: coldplay's free album. they kind of sort of stole this idea from radiohead, in the sense that well, radiohead did it two years ago, but still. coldplay isn't my favorite band, but they're good enough. thanks, coldplay. download the album for yourself at coldplay.com

+100 for coldplay. and +150 for radiohead because they did it first. oh and -50 for chris martin (lead singer of coldplay) for being married to g. pal.

minus: jon and kate plus a thousand magazine covers. really, guys? there's nothing else to talk about? didn't any of you see the joe jonas video? let's discuss that some more. -300 EACH for jon and kate. but +150 to him for being married to her.

plus: lauren conrad leaving "the hills". couldn't be more happy. that show has gotten zuper lame lately. i'm glad she is moving on. i lobe her quite alot. i'm not going to lie though. i may watch the next season of "the hills" just to see what a b. kristen is. +500 for lauren because i like her. just minus everything for the rest of the cast.

minus: lauren conrad writing a book. yeah, not even like a biography. like an actual real teen novel. i read a snippet of it in "teen vogue" the other day and yikes. bad move, lauren. you're on thin ice with this one. i'm going to award you -150 points.

plus: johnny depp. he turned 49 this week and still has amazing the bone structure he had in the 80's. happy birthday, j.d. plus 50 for you.

minus: 70's on 7. boy howdy am i sick of 70's music. as i'm typing this, alice cooper is serenading me with "school's out". indeed. minus 70 for this station.

plus: 90's music. what's not to like? you got the good rock(ish) bands like wallflowers and goo goo dolls, you've got good pop music like *NSYNC and britney spears, and you've got the random ridiculous classics like biz markie and new kids on the block. and who could forget "ice ice baby" or "hammer time"? plus 90 for the 90's!!

minus: telemarketers. i get about four calls a day from telemarketers. and they are constantly asking for a man named "regino". hmmm... never hoid of him. for some reason they don't understand when i say that this is a business, not a residence. they always ask, "well then do you know a regino?" or "do you know where i can reach regino?" negatron on both accounts, telly market men. i've no idea where reggie has run off to. and even if i did, i wouldn't reveal his whereabouts to you people. so there. minus 100 each for every person who asks for regino. also, minus 500 for regino for giving people my number. thanks for nothing, buddy.

plus: disney/pixar's UP. man. i cried for about the first 15 minutes of this movie. just a straight streamline of tears down my face, creating a puddle on my chest. then, a couple times in the middle my nose got burny like i was maybe going to start up again. to finish things off, i shed a few tears (only a few) at the end. this movie was spactacular. it was an amazing and clever story line and it was visually stunning. if you get the chance, see it in 3D. and don't be late because there is a teaser trailer for "toy story 3" in the beginning. plus 68.1 million for "up" because that's how much it made at the box office opening weekend.

here's one more plus to finish off the week:
"away we go". i've been so very excited for this movie ever since i saw the trailer back in february. i love the director (sam mendes), i love the writers (dave eggers and vendela vida), and i love the actors (john krasinski, catherine o'hara, allison janney, to name a few). i'm a bit concerned that it will just be the typical indie flick (a la juno) but i have high hopes for it. it's gets released today, but since i live in no man's land i will have to wait to see it. as of now i'm not sure when it'll be released here in good old arizona. so here i wait.

random texts.

2009-06-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

oh, hi. random texts are the best. the past couple of days it seems like i've gotten more random texts than usual, which makes me happy. here are a few of note (is that even a saying or did i make it up?):

d.w.: "did you know that in the e.r. 'gsw' stands for 'gun shot wound', not 'gabby sue walz'?"
*she thought that was pretty cool, until i informed her that "gw" also stand for "genital warts" in the medical world. she still thought that was pretty cool, i had to inform her that it was, in fact, not that cool.

jordan: "i just saw my two favorite ladies tearin' up the sidewalk!"
*he sent this after he saw me and d.w. on our nightly neighborhood jaunt, to which i replied: "you mean mary kate and ashley?!"

samantha: "you were his best student. he (Lenny, her dog) framed your thesis paper. it's next to his doggy bed"
*this was actually notso random. it was in reply to my text reminding her when her dog lenny was my professor.

kenny: "at the airport. this little girl says 'daddy why can't i bring my bubbles?' and he says, dead serious, 'because of al-qaeda' "
*there are so many great ones from kenny. this one is actually from a while back, but i still have it and i still love it.

leslie: "thank you for being my friend. i would have it NO other way. i would be sore lost without you."

jim: "open the internet, go to google and type 'define: pangs' to get a dictionary of pangs as i did."
*ok, this is my fave kind of randoms to get. he sent me this at 10:49 pm. and when i did as he asked, i found that the definition of pangs that he got was "an episode of the fourth season of buffy the vampire slayer" or something to that affect. he always used to say how lame i am for loving that show so much. at the time i got this text, we weren't really friends anymore, so that made it all the more random. but the point is, he thought of me because of that definition and so he texted me to tell me that he thought of me. such a lovely thing.

lincoln: "gabbi we have not seen each other for over two months... it's time we take care of that."

and this one comes from chanel, this very morning.

chanel: "knock knock"
me: "who's there?"
chanel: "britney spears."
me: "oh boy"
chanel: "no, no. you are supposed to say 'britney spears who' ! do it!"
me: "ugh. i am more concerned about what miss spears is doing at my door at 7 a.m. britney spears who?"
chanel: "knock knock"
me: "i already said who's there! i can't type alot because i am driving!"
chanel: "well this joke is super hard to do over text. but the point is i'm supposed to start the joke twice and then say 'oops, i did it again!' i'll make a note that it doesn't work too well over text."
me: "dang. that actually is pretty funny."
*sorry i ruined your joke, chanel. i didn't mean to. you know i'm a grouch in the morning. i don't see colors before noon. have fun in the specific northwest. come back soon.

yeah so the moral of this story is SEND ME RANDOM TEXTS.

my 100th post.

2009-05-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

i was trying to figure out what i should do for my 100th blog, but i had absolutely no ideas. also, who really cares about 100 posts anyways? it probably should be a sign to me that i should better spend my time.
tonight i went to ulta to get some shampoo and i came across this little gem:

big whoop, gabs. who cares, right? well i do, i care. since 2000, bonne bell dr. pepper chapstick has been my go-to chappy. i wear it everyday. in fact, some days it is all i wear (on my face i mean, pervies). since about 2001 i have been petitioning (aka asking my magic 8 ball) for bonne bell to come out with GLOSS versions of my lip savior. eight years later... BAM. i wasn't expecting this, i wasn't even looking for it, but i found it by accident and i bought every set that they had there. (gotta stock up in case of the apocolypse, duh)
yeah, so... i think that this is a pretty good way to celebrate 100 posts. go me! long live my delicious lips!

exoh x 100 + 1,
gabrielle.

my ozzah best friend's wedding.

2009-05-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

it seems as though everyone but me is getting married these days. that's quite alright with me, weddings are big helpings of stress. leslie's wedding was really fun though. it was my first experience of being in someone's wedding video (three times!!), being an official bridesmaid, and having a bouquet. so so much fun. but really very hot. if it ever happens, i'm getting married in january.

mr and mrs sam mckenna. he is scotish, like for reals. he is from the uk. his accent is sooooo cool. and his family was top shelf. really nice people. the bridesmaids all got a pearl bracelet from england. woo hoo.

leslie and sam getting their smooch on by the themple.

my temple feet and tan gams. woo.

the ACE gang post wedding.

the temple, i love to see it.

sunny day....

me and chanel.... besties.

sam and les's candy bar. sweet stuff, eh?

our bouquets. and some cool pics of the bride and groom.

bubble blowing contest between bridesmaids. chanel goes:

while i go:

(i won.)

had time between wedding and reception. what happens when i have extra time? i can has photoshoot?

leslie and the maids of the bride.

sam and leslie's cake.

me and chan with my favorite part of the wedding... the bouquets we got to carry.

the bouquet looked like it had broccoli in it. it was so cool.

i was quite sad when i had to throw mine away today :( i wanted to keep it forever.

me and connor. he is old now. almost seventeen. shoot.

exoh,

gabrielle.

my best friend's wedding.

2009-05-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

samantha got married! which is weird bc i have known her since she was 16. we've talked numerous times about boys and how we are never going to find the "right" one, how we are going to be spinsters/cat ladies together. oh, and members of the red hat society. but alas, those plans have been thwarted, as she has left me to reign in cat lady land alone. i forgive her, though. i got to help make stuff for the wedding, like crafts and cupcakes, which was really fun. sam is in amsterdam right now with her husband (still sounds weird) justin.

i got to oversee the frosting/sprinkling of the cupcakes. sam mixed up the beautiful colors.

sam and grandma betty, who is the patron saint of cupcakes. she made them all along with the frosting-from scratch. she really is a saint.

sam and i at the wedding. she had a beatle's themed wedding which, as far as weddings go, is a pretty awesome theme. it was fun to see the crafts that i helped with all on display. everything looked really amazing. she walked down the aisle to "all you need is love" which was pretty awesome too.

jessica, me, and erica. jessica is my sister for life bc she knows the joy of the jonai as i do. on friday night during the "rehearsal" dinner, sam, jess, and i were talking and uncle tracy asked sam who her favorite jonas is.

sam: nick! all the way.

jess: mine is joe.

(no, mine is joe. but i didn't say anything)

sam: ooohhhhh, gabby likes joe! you guys have to battle it out now.

jess: that's ok, i can have kevin instead. i'll take one for the team.

idk why, but that really meant alot to me. haha it sounds stupid, it probably is stupid, since none of us GET any of the jonai. but she so willingly let me have joe, no question. jess is pretty much the coolest, not just bc she takes one for the team, but bc she makes bank working at costco making pizzas in L.A. secretly, i am jealous of her pizza girl status.

well, pretty much the cutest bride and groom ever. this isn't a great representation of the photo since you can see my reflection in it, but i love this photo so much, i had to take a pic of it.

samantha and justin.

these past few weeks have been weird for me kind of. i'm saying goodbye to alot of stuff. i have like, five, maybe six girls that i consider to be in my inner circle. i am losing four of them within a month. sandee just moved with her family to utah. malia is moving to boston next month so her very smart husband can go to harvard. leslie is getting married on thursday. samantha just got married. it's an epidemic i tell you. people are leaving me all over the place. i don't know how to feel about it all, or if i should feel anything at all since there's little i can do to stop what is happening. lots of emotions attached to each person, and it just feels like a part of my life is ending when they leave. i'm getting older, and i can't stop it. the time to act like a grown up is now. and, truth be told, i HATE it more than anything.

gone are the days where summer meant no school, eating popsicles by the pool, and requesting my favorite song on the radio. not that i don't love my life right now, because i do, but sometimes i miss those days. there's no cure for getting older. i can't fight it, i might as well embrace it.

exoh,

gabby.

lovely, circa 1993.

2009-05-26T12:10:00.001-07:00

there's no point to this post, except to say...
weren't they a darling couple? i miss them. how depressing is it that the tattoo on his arm which once read "winona forever" now reads "wino forever"?

perhaps they were just too good looking to last forever. it makes me sad for her. i don't know why i get sad over things like this, there's no point really. but to make myself feel better, i like to tell myself they're still together.

so much talk yet nothing to say,

gabs.

my heart belongs to...

2009-05-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

... this sleaze. can't help it. chuck bass is the sole reason i tune into gossip girl every week. (also, partly to see what blair is wearing.) he has the funny lines, he has the killer wardrobe, he is LOADED, and he kind of is a doll when he loves blair. male-skank aside, he's quite a dish.
one question: where oh where did the signature scarf go? i miss it.

don't knock the bowtie, i LOVE the bowtie.

oh, it's "fun-in-the-sun" chuck, complete with fedora and swim trunks. wonder if he comes with a spray-on tan?

chuck in plaid? yum.

croquet is the new golf. there are so many awesome things about this outfit, i don't know where to begin.

chuck bass is the ultimate best friend. he pays for everything and if anyone messes with you, he pretty much ruins their life. good looking, rich, smarmy... what's not to like?

darn that mother chucker.

exoh,

gabs.

for chanel, LSS, erika, noelle, sam, malleri, merissa, and ella.

2009-05-08T11:11:00.001-07:00

... and a little bit for me too.

jonas brothers released their new single exclusively to members of their facebook fan group last night. the single is available tuesday may 12th for download so until then, this will have to do.

play it really loud and have a DANCE PARTY!! because dancing is good excercise and it makes you feel HAPPY!!

here are the lyrics for those who want to learn them before we drive around and listen to it in my car on repeat on tuesday (ahem chanel ahem):

i make the most of all the stress
i try to live without regret
but i m about to break a sweat
im freaking out
its like a poison in my brain
its like a fog that blurs the scene
its like a vine you cant untangle
oh i’m freaking out

everytime i turn around
something don’t feel right
i might be paranoid
i’m boarding the lines
cause they just might split
can someone stop the noise?
i don’t know what it is
but it just don’t fit
i’m paranoid yeah

i take the next stairway steps
to get some air into my chest
cant hear the thoughts inside my head
i’m still freaking out
that’s why my ex is still my ex
i never trust a word she says
i’m runnin all the background checks
and shes freaking out

everytime i turn around
somethings just not right
might be paranoid
i’m boardin the lines
cause they just might split
can someone stop the noise?
i don’t know what it is
but it just don’t fit
consider me destroyed
cause i don’t know how to act
cause i lost my head
i must be paranoid
i never thought it would come to this
i’m paranoid
stuck in the room
were staring faces ohh
i’m caught in a nightmare
i cant wake up
if you hear my cry running through her streets
i’m about to freak
come and rescue me
she might be paranoid
yeah
i’m boarding the lines cause they just might split
can someone stop the noise?
i don’t know what it is
but it just don’t fit
consider me destroyed
i don’t know how to act cause i lost
cause i lost my head
i must be paranoid

(someone else's lyrics, don't have time to edit...)

exoh,
gabrielle.

can't stop the train.

2009-04-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

these are pretty much the only words that are appropriate for how i feel right now. i'll pretty much be listening to this song on repeat for the next... forever.

No, I'm not color blind,
I know the world is black and white.
Try to keep an open mind, but
I just can't sleep on this tonight.
Stop this train,
I wanna get off and
Go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in,
I know I can't.
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it,
Don't want to see my parents go.
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own.
Stop this train,
I wanna get off and
Go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in,
I know I can't.
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun.
Had a talk with my old man,
Said "Help me understand"
He said "Turn sixty-eight,
You renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train,
Don't for a minute change the place you're in.
And don't think I couldn't ever understand,
I tried my hand.
John, honestly, we'll never stop this train."

Once in a while, when it's good,
It'll feel like it should.
And they're all still around,
And you're still safe and sound.
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark.
Singing,

"Stop this train.
I wanna get off and
Go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in".
I know I can,
'Cause now I see
I'll never stop this train.

OMJ

2009-04-20T16:43:00.001-07:00

there are many things i could write about today, but i choose this. i have been doing well on my low-techno diet, which is similar to a low carb diet, in that i use my computer only a few times during the day and in small doses. i've logged on to twitter and facebook only twice today (which is good for me, by the way, so hush up) but when i logged on to twitter a moment ago i was met with a message from the jonas brothers saying that their new album cover is up. oh dear. i want to say i am ashamed to admit what i am about to admit, but if i really were that ashamed, i'd not be putting it out in the blogosphere.... my breath was quite literally taken away. ha. oh my my my. i really wasn't expecting something so... oy what's the word? i'm thinking of many, i'm just trying to decide which, if any, are appropriate. i'll go with "breezy" right now. i wasn't expecting something quite so breezy. really, i am laughing at myself right now bc i did literally gasp when i saw this which just proves that i am not old enough to have just turned 25. (somewhere in the world my mother is reading this post and shaking her head at the nonsense that is her TWENTY FIVE year old daughter. sorry, mom. i'll make it up to you someday.) so, i am very excited for june 15th which is when this gem hits shelves and i am glad i stumbled upon this photo bc it may very well have gotten me through the last two hours of my day. may i also say that i am excited for may 2nd which is the premiere of J.O.N.A.S. on the disney channel and i'm thinking of putting together a little ACE gang soiree for it. who knows, it depends on how gay i'm feeling that day.

in other my world news, i am currently loving the album "lady luck" by the amazing maria taylor, namely the song "100,00 times" which, at press time, makes my world spin round and round and round. and a quote that caught my attention today is this little gem from, urm, lord byron i believe? if not, my appologies to the lord. it goes a little something like this:

" 'tis strange-but true; for the truth is always strange."

i loved that. i also thought of this in the middle of the night when i couldn't sleep and was drowning in my own insecurities and fears and feeling very overwhelmed. so this quote is from, well, me. at three in the morning. "alot of small steps equal big steps". so that's what i'm doing right now... just taking small steps in hopes that someday i'll turn around and realize that i've gotten somewhere.

exoh.

gabrielle.

thoughts that create my world.

2009-04-15T11:22:00.001-07:00

so i have that little section on the side of quotes/movie lines/song lines that i should be better at updating (i'm going to start now, being better i mean.). just now i added a new thought to it and i was thinking of something different to call that section. i went through a bunch of ideas like "thoughts that make my life" or "things that make my brain tick", but i ended up just sticking to what i originally had because, well, i can't think of a better way to say it. seriously, some of those words can calm me down when i'm in a frenzy or make me smile when i'm bummed. they seriously create my world. so yeah. the point is, i'm gonna try and update it weekly. clean some out of there and add new ones. i'll start small by saying one a week.

exoh.
gabrielle.

favorite office clip ever.

2009-04-07T11:26:00.001-07:00

i can really say that, without a doubt, the "golden ticket" episode of the office is my favorite episode thus far for season five. i really think that steve carrell should submit this episode for an emmy nom. he is so brilliant in it. this is probably the best opening for an "office" episode yet (it even beats the "bears, beets, battlestar gallactica" opener). last friday, i watched this episode FIVE times, and i rewound the opening segment at least once each time. brilliant moments to notice in this scene (it's ok if you watch it twice) are: what michael uses to wipe the "budda" off of his hand, michael's face when he attempts to attack dwight, and michael's face right after jim says "ding dong". honestly, steve carrell is brilliant. in those moments, he really is michael scott. i hope you laugh as much as i did.

crentist the dentist.

2009-04-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

ok, so i wasn't this bad, but yesterday i went to the dentist for the first time in a long time on account of a delinquent tooth that was giving me greif. after sitting in the dentist chair for a couple of hours they decided that i needed a root canal. this means that my lovely (and lucky) cousin got to be the one to "operate" on me. he is so lovely that he drugged me up nice and good. i actually don't remember much of anything yesterday except that melissa, being the good friend that she is, picked me up and drove me home and got me crackers for lunch since i hadn't eaten anything. i think ike was in the car and i think we were watching the princess bride? (am i making any of this up, melis?) anyways, thanks to all who put up with me this weekend with my hurty tooth. I HATE TOOTH PAIN!!

my state of mind has finally got the best of me.

2009-04-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

there's a strange sort of feeling that comes over me when i realize that something is over. it's a feeling that is hard to identify or label. it's not sadness, happiness, nor content. it's a very solemn, almost empty feeling... maybe a bit calming? relief?

whether it's friendships or other sorts of "ships", school or even a t.v. show, when something ends, i get that same sort of feeling. happy to reflect on memories stored in the files of my mind, sad to close a chapter, unwilling to let go, unable to stay, and uncertain of the future. not sure what that closed door means... does it mean that another door opens? and if another door does open, am i going to like what experiences come with that new opportunity? it's times like these that i am reminded that growing up never really gets easier, you're problems just adapt to your age. like when i think back to 2003, for example, and the problems i faced then i would gladly tackle those problems now. if i think back even further to high school, the "problems" i faced then are almost laughable to me now (almost). sometimes i like to cheer myself up by telling myself "in a year these problems of yours will be a cake walk, miss walz", and for a moment my fears and worries subside and i am able to prance around and be silly and carefree, and most of the time that's what i am. yet here i sit on the eve of my 25th year and there are some "issues" that i feel consumed by, that overwhelm me. at times i feel at peace b/c i know in six months time these "issues" will be a small spot in my past, just another story for the books but at the same time i worry about what new issues will present themselves. why is it that we always feel we are at our limit?
what started off as a rant about closure has turned into a quite depressing rant about time, sorry, i'll head back to the original idea. just recently i've closed off a part of my life and it just hit me today that it is over. this time the decision was mine and i'm greatful for that at least, but still, there are times when i catch myself dissecting that relationship. i'm not sure what i'm looking for, really. i just find myself searching for a moment where maybe i was given a clue as to how it would all turn out, or maybe there was a moment where i could have said something but didn't, more likely is the chance that i said something and should have held my tongue. then i start rehashing scenarios and conversations, reading over letters or text messages and journals, looking at photos... if i let myself i could be totally swept away studying moments from the past. but just barely i thought to myself "what's the point?" i can read letters, i can hilight sentences and analyze them, i can remember conversations or events that took place but the "evidence" of love that i find won't change the outcome. it's like.... finding a dead body and doing a bunch of detective work to find out how the person was killed and why they died and if you could have done anything to save the person. at the end of all that time and research, you've still got a dead body. placing the blame on someone doesn't un-do what has been done, it doesn't change the decisions that were made. yep... still no pulse.
something i've learned, or maybe just realized, is that sometimes things just happen. sometimes things just don't work out. sometimes there is nothing more that i could have done. pouring over letters and conversations isn't going to do anything except make me feel worse.

it's a sad day when i realize i have to be a grown up. i realized it years ago, but it still feels like i just figured it out yesterday. i still feel brand new.

lyrics of the day:
"So with dignity and grace, you have to erase
All the things in your mind that replay, and replay, and replay.
The things that made you cry, that you forgave, you let go by,
Or you will push the one you love out of your life."
-maria taylor.

say.

2009-03-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

i'm having a difficult time right now deciding which of my thoughts i should say out loud and which thoughts i should leave in my head. things have been pretty crazy lately vis a vis my emotions... they have kind of been all over the place. hence, my hesitation to say what i feel when i feel it. alot of the time i don't feel the same way a few days later (sometimes even a few hours later) . i've always been a pretty emotional girl, and i quite like that about myself. i like that when i am happy, i am consumed by that happiness, that it crosses borders into other parts of my life. i also like that i have the ability to be sad, that i have the ability to identify my sadness and express it and learn from it. it seems like lately i have been filtering my thoughts a bit more and not saying as much as i usually do, which may be a good thing, i don't know. i just know that on occasion, i feel like i am going to either explode or drown. which sounds worse than it is. probably. there really is no point to this rant other than to say that i don't know what to do. for the first time in a long time i feel a bit lost. today i was going through some music and i came across a song by john mayer and i kind of hate quoting him because he tends to be a douche more often than not. but his music is actually really, really brilliant. there's a song of his called "say" that i read the lyrics to and one line in particular caught my attention. it's weird bc i don't always get inspiration from songs, but it's always really eye-opening when i do bc it's usually from songs that i've listened to a thousand times. anyways, if you get a chance you should read all of the lyrics to that song bc, even though it was written by a douche, the whole song is amazing. i'm just going to print the lyrics that stood out the most to me...

"IT'S BETTER TO SAY TOO MUCH THAN [TO] NEVER SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY."

so, after a night of "dreaming" about scenarios, a few hours of deliberating and thinking, and finally after consulting my "go-to" peeps (thank you malia and trevor) i decided that it's best that i say what i need to. it's better for me anyways. i could sit here and be bothered for the next few hours/days/weeks/whatever, or i could just say what i feel and be done with it. i think relationships would be so much easier if we could all just do eachother that little courtesy. when i think of how much time i've wasted worrying and over-analyzing it makes me nuts. it's all very high school, the worrying and deciphering "guy code" and such, and it seems like such a waste of time. especially since, as much as i would like to be (ha ha), i am NOT in high school anymore. and, like (apparently) everyone else, i am busy (yes, that can be an excuse for me too, though i don't use it as one).
there are so few times that i regret saying something. in fact, off hand, i can't remember any situations where i regret speaking my mind. that's not to say that i don't remember a time where i told someone how i feel and they didn't feel the same way, bc i remember quite a few times like that. i even remember feeling embarassed about what i said. but there are so many instances that i can think of-right off the top of my head- where i held my tongue and didn't tell someone how i felt, and those are the things i regret, those are the moments that could have changed everything. i just think that it's better to say what i feel and get it out there and know for certain that someone knows what i'm feeling, no guesses on their part or mine. i gotta tell you, if someone's decision to jump ship is based on my thoughts or feelings, then it's best that they jump ship sooner rather than later.

love actually.

2009-03-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

the other day i was thinking about this thing that happened to me in seventh grade and it's a pretty great thing, so i thought i'd share.
for my brithday in seventh grade (i was turning 13, just wanted to bring you all to a mental place with me) my friend gave me a case of flavored water. i know, it sounds random, actually it was really nice b/c flavored water had just become all the rage so... i was the coolest thirteen-year-old of all time. anyways i was given this case of like, 24 water bottles that i then had to cart around all day (not that i'm complaining...) needless to say it got old after like, three classes. there was this kid in science who i sat by (we'll call him "Kid A", for privacy reasons) and we used to talk in class all the time, we were like, science class friends or whathaveyou. the point is, we weren't like besties or anything, but he offered to carry around my water case for me from class to class.... which he then did b/c apparently i let him. let's just say for my sake that i argued with him about it a bit before i let him do it, i don't want to seem like some seventh grade kino jr. high diva or anything. the point is, Kid A walked along side me for the second half of my day and carried my case of flavored water for me so that i didn't have to. what kind of a kid does that? in seventh grade, no less. me being my seventh grade, self loathing self really thought nothing of it, but thinking about it the other day made me think that he probably was crushing on me a little bit, you know, in a seventh grade way. the point of this rant is, i thought everyone hated me in junior high. granted, i had some pretty significant things happen with people that would make me think that, but still. i kind of spent my time with these people who were always more popular than i was, always richer, always skinnier (although never funnier or better dressed, i'm just sayin'...) and i think i kind of fell by the wayside a bit. i kind of flew under the radar. i was always "so-and-so's friend". guys didn't like me b/c why would they when they could like my friends? (don't get me wrong, i am quite happy that i don't have the track record that most girls have from high school). remembering this story though, it made me think of other things and it kind of made me realize that love actually was all around me when i was growing up, it just wasn't in the form that i was looking for, or the form that i knew how to identify. it wasn't the kind of love my friends were receiving so i just didn't notice it. it all makes me wonder what kind of love is being thrown my way now that i am missing...

how cute is Kid A, btw? that was pretty stellar of him, regardless of why he did it.

everybody's happy in california...

2009-03-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

me and some steel man.

i prefer my sea cucumbers sans warts, athankyou.

jellies!!!

this guy was disgusting. i feel bad for him though bc his tank was like three sizes too small. kinda cruel if you ask me...

me and a frickin sea turtle.

the bay.

i decided that penguins are the proudest creatures. just look at them. they are practically pledging alliegance to themselves.

me and my brudda!

eels just creep me out. they've yet to redeem themselves after the whole "working for the sea witch" fiasco.

my mommy and i have the same smile.

my new hair/adorable headband.

new hair/adorable headband part two.

this eel is mocking me. look at that sickening smile.

i like to tell myself that this is the sting ray that killed the crocodile hunter. now i can say i met a famous animal.

addicted.

2009-03-12T11:05:00.001-07:00

so sad to admit i am addicted to the new miley cyrus song, "the climb".

....actually, i take that back. i'm not that sad to admit it.

download it. it's worth the 99 cents, i promise. if not, i'll reimburse you. scratch that, obama will reimburse you.

the best quote by anyone, possibly, ever.

2009-03-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

i felt it necessary to dedicate a blog to quite possibly the best quote ever said by anyone ever that was said last week on the view. but which one of those lovely ladies gave us the gem? it was babs. oh, babs! where have you been all my life?! the pannel was in a heated discussion about facebook/myspace and good old baba wawa got a bit confused (who could blame her? it's a confusing world!!) and actually said: "WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO BE ON MYFACE?"
well....?

my answer to that is, why wouldn't they?

spring break.

2009-03-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

hello, spring break. you couldn't have come at a better time. i'm going to coronado this year with my spactacular family. seriously, why do i love my family so much? no wonder i don't make other friends or move out. the point of this rant is, saturday morning couldn't come soon enough b/c i can't wait to get out of here.

summer vacation.

2009-03-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

wow. what a lame picture. haha. i was trying to make this BIG announcement, but apparently it's just a small announcement b/c i can't find a bigger picture than that one (or really, i'm not willing to look).

so, happy summer vacation to me because this year i am going to see my favorite people of the moment, the JONAS BROTHERS, at stadium of fire in provo. it's been three years since i've gone to stadium of fire so i am REALLY EXCITED to go back and the fact that i get to see the jonai while i'm there pretty much just makes my life. i was really worried about getting tickets since there was somewhat of a frenzy in ut when they announced who would be performing. i had to work out a strategy for my online ordering that involved five laptops- three in az, two in mn- and three desktops- two in az, one in mn. it was pretty crazy there for a while (the website was crashing bc all of the people logging on at once) and i really didn't think i was gonna be able to get tickets. i got through and we ended up with seats ON THE FIELD which is really really lucky since it's probably the only time i will get to see the jobros that close up. and my family from mn is gonna drive down and go with me so i don't have to adorn the field alone. i'm really so excited. i am having a hard time expressing emotion lately, it's very weird for me. i'm finding myself struggle to find words to describe how i am feeling, and for those of you that know me, you know that i've never been one to not know how to express myself. so it's very bizzare and quite unnerving. then i get these huge rushes of emotion where i just feel so much that i want to scream and it usually results in me crying. like last night when my brother hit me in the face with a ball- twice. i just flew off the handle. and yesterday when i was making lunch i was watching the disney movie sky high... i hope you people know what i am talking about when i mention that movie. ok, it's not even a sad movie but it is about this high school for super heroes and at the end all of the "side kicks" get to step up and be heroes... hahaha... and i dont remember exactly what was said, but the gist of it is that everyone can be superheroes, even sidekicks or something totally cheesy like that. well, i started to cry. no really, i did. and then i was like laughing b/c i am like "really, gabby? are you seriously crying right now about this?" but i did, and i was. and it's true, right? i can be a superhero.

gotta go before i start with the water works again. le sigh.

gabrielle.

**side note: i have spent the past two weeks or so defending the fact that i, quite often, enjoy pop music (namely the jonas brothers). it has been driving me crazy defending these guys and their "legitimate" talent... i don't know why it bothers me to have people make fun of them, but it does (i'm just going to blame that on the weird hormones too). i have seriously been having flashbacks to circa 1999 when i had to defend *NSYNC and britney spears bc i SO loved them and everyone else in my family SO did not. i was pretty much made fun of for like five years straight until the general public decided that justin timberlake was legit, along with britney spears. so... whatever, that's all water under the pop bridge or what have you. my point is, if you don't have anything nice to say about these boys, then just don't talk to me about them. at least, not until my hormones organize themselves, b/c it bugs the fire out of me. i'm not saying you have to like them, but you definately have to just let me like them and leave me alone about it. kthanksbye.

strawberry, strawberry.

2009-03-09T09:03:00.001-07:00

there are so many more creative and cutesy titles i could have used for this post, but i couldn't gether up the energy to choose one. basically, i changed my hair color for spring. i am now a strawberry blonde. we'll see how long this lasts. right now i am pretty frustrated bc it is really damaged. oy. i can't win in this life. this picture really doesn't depict the color well, but i can't seem to take one that does.

happiness.

2009-02-17T07:57:00.000-08:00

happiness is me right now. and it may seem weird bc i have chosen to share my happiness with virtually nobody. "virtually" in this case means technology-wise... lately i have abandoned most of my electronic devices and decided to be on my own in a way. meaning... i don't send random texts out to people who don't appreciate getting them anymore, i don't blog about my life, i don't update my facebook status... the list really could go on, but i won't bore you. i am working on getting myself healthy and happy and clearing my mind and it's going really well. i do, on occasion, miss my computer friends... my bloggers, texters, facebookers... so i decided to update this just for them. i think there is one of them (HI SAM!) ok so... here is what is making my life so great. in random order...

1. my mom... she is funny, she is smart, she is quick, she is a hard worker, she is beautiful, she is my best friend. things are just better when she is around. and she doesn't have a blog OR a facebook. maybe that's why i can abandon mine so quickly.
2. music... music is always my staple. i love it. it saves me. right now i am loving maria taylor's new single (available on itunes...) "time lapse lifeline", and i am revisiting jimmy eat world's "clarity" album, the get up kids' "something to write home about" and the juliana theory's "emotion is dead".
3. yoga. i am OBSESSED. i never in a million years thought i would be a yogini, but i love it so much and right now, aside from keeping me sane, it is also helping me get toned, so... yeah. love me some yoga.
4. ACE gang bonfires.... so about a month ago, we as an ACE gang decided to do bonfires once a month to "burn the man". we basically just light all the crappy stuff from our lives on fire. it's very therapeutic, and also very stinky. but the stink is worth it bc we get great pictures and listen to amazing playlists (courtesy of M-O-I) and play "truth, dare, or fire" which is my new favorite game.
5. gossip girl... and i'm not even ashamed. i don't care. i wish teenage girls would never watch this, bc it's pure sickness, but i'm an adult and i have morals so i am allowed to watch it as one of my guilty pleasures. the clothes and people are beautiful, and something about chuck bass just gets me. even though he is... whatever the male version of "slut" is, and he may have a hare lip (according to d.w.)? but i don't care. sign me up, i'm hooked.
6. the jonas brothers on snl/the jonas brothers 3-d movie... yeah, that part about me being an adult and having morals, blah blah... it goes out the window when these dreamboats are involved. i don't even care WHAT they are doing, i am watching it, and i am probably LOL-ing. strike that, not PROBABLY, i am. and when it comes to the jo bros, my "LOL-ing" comes in the form of a school girl giggle.
7. movies with garrett... garrett is such a patient friend. he watches HSM with me. ALL THREE OF THEM! and he isn't even critical. i love him and i am glad that we get to do movie nights together. he always makes me happy.
8. my NY boys.... i almost NEVER talk to them, and i see them even less, but i love them. kenny and brad, just knowing they are holding up the east side makes me smile. kenny is a super fantastical journalist and is doing some magical duties for the NY times ( i know, right?) and brad is some super hairstylist cutting hair with Carsten. love them both, and couldn't be prouder. unless of course bradley STOPPED listening to lil wayne. right now.
9. david and malia.... my second family. i want them to adopt me and take me with them to harvard. can i be your elle woods? please?
10. jigsaw puzzles... this is me being in FULL ON granny mode. how can i act like a tween AND granny at the same time? no one knows, but if there was an award for doing it, i would-HANDS DOWN- win it all the way.
11. chanel... well, she was my balentime this year and she watches buffy and listens to the get up kids with me. and she accompanies me to bookman's while i search for hidden books, and without her, there would be no one to tell me how OUT OF CONTROL i am. she's a gem.
12. concerts... ohhhh boy! there was a dry spell in az for a while, but concerts are back in full force. here's my sched... 02/25 MODEST MOUSE!!... 03/07 JIMMY EAT WORLD CLARITY SHOW... 03/25 MARIA TAYLOR... 04/14 CONOR OBERST... 04/24 THE FAINT... 05/19 FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS.
13. long lost lovers.... basically sam and sandee. i miss them and there's just nothing that can be done about it. it is what it is, and that is life. booooooooooooo.

alright, readers. those are a few of the many reasons i am H-A-P-P-Y. notice how none of them had to do with having a boyfriend... IT CAN BE DONE!

exes and ohhhhs,
gabrielle.

YAY, KATE!!

2009-01-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

kate winslet FINALLY won last night. not one, but TWO golden globes for SUPPORTING ACTRESS (in THE READER) and LEAD ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA (for REVOLUTIONARY ROAD). yay. i am happy for her. it's not an OSCAR, but still, can't complain.

the only reason i watch these award shows is to see the fashion and to pick out which dresses i love. so here is my list of FASHION WINNERS.

AMY ADAMS in OSCAR DE LA RENTA:

EVA MENDES in DIOR:
DEMI MOORE in DIOR:
ANNE HATHAWAY in ARMANI PRIVE:

EVAN RACHEL WOOD in ELLIE SAAB:

KATE BECKINSALE in J. MENDEL:

SANDRA BULLOCK in DIOR:

and here are a few that i'm on the fence about... not quite sure if i dig them or not.

DREW BARRYMORE in GALLIANO:

(i can tell you that i did NOT dig her hair or the way she acted while presenting... she's ridiculous)

DEBRA MESSING in VERA WANG:

is this cute? idk... the bottom concerns me. but i like that it gives something to the dress, adds a little flair. not bad, but not her best. and also, the hair??? hello.

and finally, my WHAT THE WORLD WERE THEY THINKING/WHO OK'D THAT LOOK ON THE WAY OUT THE DOOR moments of the night...

RENEE ZELLWEGER in CAROLINA HERRERA:
ok, the bottom is nice and sleek, pretty... but the TOP. help that. i mean, i don't even know what to say. and don't even start on the hair. yikes.

CAMERON DIAZ in (i am ashamed to say) CHANEL HAUTE COUTURE:

more like chanel haute mess. cameron has issues with always looking like she just rolled out of bed and wrapped some material around her (albeit nice and fit) body. her hair and makeup almost never looks done. it looks messy. and this is the first picture i've seen her in that i've thought that she's looking older. and she's quite thin, is she not?

so there it is. my golden globes wrap up. it was actually a good show as far as winners go... lots of surprises.

right where i'm supposed to be...

2009-01-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

ninety nine percent of the time i don't feel like i should be anywhere else other than where i am- physically, emotionally, career-wise, and even personal life-wise (i.e. marriage and all that other nonsense). but sometimes i feel like escaping and moving away to far off countries like england or italy or in most cases... L.A. so i play this game called "anywhere but here" (original, i know) i am having one of those moments right now, and it's weird b/c it was just chrimbo and new year's eve and stuff so i should be totally rested but instead i am more tired than ever. i think it has something to do with the fact that i was sick all through my time off.
the point is, this is my "anywhere but here" moment and right now i want to be at the chateau marmont in L.A. it sounds pretentious, but oh well. i guess sometimes i am pretentious.

i have new hair.

2008-12-30T18:31:00.001-08:00

so, after a year of being THIS.........

as of three o'clock this afternoon, i am THIS.......

what the WORLD?! i brought the fringe back, too. i'm kinda sad about the lack of redness in myhair, even though i've had it for a long time now. actually, i wasn't sad until i saw that picture up there. that made me sad. i was a jenny lewis, i'm now a zooey deschanel. please someone out there tell me that they uunderstand that reference.

disneyland photos.

2008-12-30T18:09:00.000-08:00

this is not the disneyland post i wanted to do. but nothing is going my way lately, so... i'm just going to have to deal with it. i'm only able to upload one picture at a time and it's taking too long. so for now.... this is it. i'm a little sad b/c i had this whole plan of how i was gonna do this blog and this is just.... nothing like what i wanted.

my albums of the year.

2008-12-30T09:17:00.001-08:00

at the end of every year i make my top 11 lists for movies and music. (why eleven? because it's one more than ten.) since i still have a few movies to see before i can make an accurate movie list, i thought i'd post my album list to hold you over. i have to note that this year wasn't a great one for music, and i'm kinda sad about my list. but here it is anyways, the best of the worst, in no particular order:

artist: katy perry.

album: one of the boys.

favorite track(s): "i'm still breathing", "lost", "thinking of you".

artist: tilly and the wall.

album: o.

favorite track(s): "pot kettle black", "beat control", "tall tall grass".

artist: the killers.

album: day and age.

favorite track(s): "human", "the world we live in".

artist: jenny lewis.

album: acid tongue.

favorite tracks: "black sand", "pretty bird", "trying my best to love you".

artist: copeland.

album: you are my sunshine.

favorite tracks: "chin up", "should you return", "the day i lost my voice", "strange and unprepared".

artist: lady gaga.

album: the fame.

favorite tracks: "just dance","paparazzi","paper gangster","boys boys boys".

arist: a fine frenzy.

album: one cell in the sea.

favorite tracks: "whisper", "ashes and wine", "lifesize", "last of days", "near to you".

artist: britney spears.

album: circus.

favorite tracks: "out from under", "broken glass", "unusual you", "circus".

artist: the weepies.

album: hideaway.

favorite tracks: "wish i could forget", "hideaway", "all this beauty".

artist: death cab for cutie.

album: narrow stairs.

favorite tracks: "the ice is getting thinner", "bixby canyon bridge", "your new twin size bed".

artist: the jonas brothers.

album: a little bit longer.

favorite tracks: "burnin' up", "shelf", "lovebug", "sorry", "tonight".

santa, come back!

2008-12-29T09:57:00.001-08:00

...because i NEED these:

curse MARC JACOBS and his ability to capture my heart with his creations!!

loved this movie.

2008-12-29T07:58:00.000-08:00

i don't really know why. i just did.

p.s. i'm a failure on account of the lack of disneyland pics adorning this blog.

merry christmas, gabrielle.

2008-12-24T11:59:00.000-08:00

my gift to you this year comes in the form of my hair being shorn. oh, and i'll play you a tune on my guitar.

love, robert*

*obviously fictitious, but you can imagine if it wasn't.

p.s. i have 500 pics from disneyland. i really desperately want to post them but it's taking me a while to sort through them all. hopefully i can go through them and have them up by next week. at least before the new year!

HAPPY CHRIMBO!

I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective.

2008-12-08T16:24:00.000-08:00

so, it's "winter", which in arizona means i can wear a hoodie without sweating for 27 minutes in the morning, and that the cacti now have little twinkling lights on them. it also means i am broke as a (not funny) joke, and that i am tired bc it is dark in the morning when i have to be awake. but it also means good things too, like christmas music and christmas lights and hot chocolate and time with family and scarves and hats and sweaters.

how about this... if i had a time machine, i would rewind my life five years, which means i would be in december of 2003 and working at MAC right now. it also means that i would be like 35 lbs heavier and blonde and hating myself... because that's what i did in 2003. 2003-2004 were like my worst years emotionally. so why do i want to go back? good question. because, i could let my 19 yr old self in on a little secret... it's not that bad. seriously, and it can get worse. i really really miss my friends from that time period. and i hardly see any of them anymore. am i just thinking of one in particular? probably. right now it just seems like my brain is ramen noodles, all soggy and mooshy and i just don't know what to say about where i am in life right now. i suppose i am just severely nostalgic.

i am on a quest for a hoodie that has fur in the hood part of it. i had one of these, but it was too short on me, so i am now forever looking for a longer one. I WANT ONE SO BAD! please help.

also, i would like for my eye shadow not to crease. am i reaching for the stars on that one?

i am obsessed with the following cds: lady gaga, the ting tings, the killers, britney spears, kanye west, and jsut for fun, i am jamming on some old death cab for cutie tunes. man, i love that band.

another item i am on a quest for: shoes, black with high heels. just fyi.

and i also need a mate. you know, an "other half", a player two for when i play nintendo, some cheese for my maccaroni. i feel like bridget jones: "i need a boyfriend!", but i want one, dang it. i can't help it, i just do. i've decided not to fight it any longer. i'm just going to admit that, yes, i am human and yes, i get lonely. whatcha gonna do?

i was supposed to read today but i got no reading done. minus 500 for me. now i must finish up work and head home so i can lay in bed and mope and listen to records. wa hoo.

goodbye, joe jonas.

2008-12-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

joe, you're getting the boot....

(doesn't he look a little sad?)

courtesy of THIS guy:

swoon and sigh, robert pattinson quite literally has come out of nowhere.

and simply because i am fond of hats...

maybe it's because i'm not married, or because i don't have kids of my own... maybe it's because it's the holidays and i've found myself a bit lonely... maybe it's because i don't go on many dates, i spend my days working and my nights running or watching buffy the vampire slayer or listening to depressing music on my record player... or maybe it's just because i'm human and this kid can charm the pants off you. literally, guys, my JOE JONAS SWEAT PANTS are going the way of the buffalo i.e. in the closet with my leonardo dicaprio poster from '97, my david boreanaz poster from '98, my 'nsync glossy 8x10 collectible photos from '99 (along with hundreds of magazine clippings, videos, posters, trading cards, t-shirts, etc... cut me some slack, i loved them clear through 2002), my justin timberlake memorabilia from '03, my adam brody clipping from entertainment weekly magazine in '04, and my teeny tiny zac efron photo from earlier this fall that i "borrowed" (stole? woops!) from a magazine at work. i've been doing pretty well the past, what, three years? (i think it was during that time that i occupied my time with real boys?) anyways, that maybe explains why i have the specific horn now for three boys who don't even exist in my universe. but, darn it, they sure are fun to look at! and you know what else is weird? they never ignore my text messages. hmmmmmm.......

the results are in... my TWILIGHT movie review.

2008-11-21T08:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve read three of the four Twilight books. Like many, I finished them quickly but unlike many, I found them quite average. Not that I didn’t enjoy reading them while I was reading them, they kept my interest easily enough. But I didn’t see anything phenomenal or particularly redeeming about the story. Maybe it’s me, maybe I am a cynic or too harsh of a critic (most of you have experienced my harshness via my “Juno” review from last year), or maybe i am too picky due to the fact that i have seen all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer at least 17 times. Don’t get me wrong, these books are entertaining enough (I’m assuming that there is at least one person reading this who hasn’t read the books), their simplistic writing style masked by a forbidden love story that no doubt is what captured reader’s hearts so intensely. Much to my surprise these books have become somewhat of a pop culture phenomenon, creating this huge four-headed (or four-"parted") monster that has left fans of all ages completely smitten and begging for more. Comparisons to J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter novels continue to baffle me, as I consider that series to be a work of literary genius, while the Twilight saga remains, to me, a work of teenage fiction. This is to be my attempt at a impartial review of the movie I saw last night (at midnight, no less, amongst "Twihards" and Twilight Moms, "Team Edwards", and "Team Jacobs", and even a few "twiGUYS"). I’m trying not to be too judgmental, given the fact that I don’t love the books, and really can’t stand the casting director’s choice for Bella. Also, I don’t want to sound too cynical or harsh or bitter or anything like that since i am not any of those things. I do want to make a small disclaimer that I really like Stephenie Meyer and I am happy for her success. I also would like to add that I was excited for this movie, as I have been making a cast list in my mind/on my blog since last august. With all that being said, on to the reviewing…

The movie starts out exactly like the book does, with quiet, awkward Bella Swan moving away from her mother and her home in hot, sunny Phoenix (which apparently no one who had a part in this film has ever been to, as the depiction of Phoenix was LAUGHABLE and stereotypical and just... incorrect, not to mention, filmed in parts of California) to live with her dad in cold and rainy Forks (just in case viewers didn’t know what Phoenix is all about, Bella takes a mini cactus with her to Washington. Because, you know, we’re drowning in them here). Bella’s (played by the bothered and monotone “actress” Kristen Stewart) voice narrates throughout the movie, which is the screenwriter’s way of taking quotes directly from the novel, I’m sure, but after a while, her voice began to grate on me. Stewart does a good enough job of portraying the awkwardness of Bella, tripping and/or slipping several times (taking lessons from Sandra bullock, I’m sure) and stumbling and stuttering through conversations with other students. I was impressed with the performances of her classmates, Jessica, Mike, and Eric. They were surprisingly endearing and often scene-stealing. When we first see the Cullen clan in the cafeteria, I though “Really? That’s the Cullen’s?” i mean, aren’t these kids supposed to be hauntingly beautiful and mysterious? Edward’s “siblings” and “parents” definitely earn the title of “most poorly cast”. I just didn’t like anything about them… they were awkward in their roles, the blonde hair on Carlisle and Rosalie looked cheap and fake (it was, but come on), most of them were over-acting to compensate for what? I’m not sure. And I’m sorry, but Carlisle was just creepy. I actually really like the actor who portrayed him (Peter Facinelli) and I am happy he’s getting work, but he wasn’t Carlisle to me at all. He is Italian, so he has olive-toned skin and dark hair naturally. So when they slap all this makeup on him and dip his head in peroxide it just seems… cheap i guess? Silly? Were there no good looking blonde actors available? I have the same problem with Rosalie, played by Nikki Reed who is Mexican in real life, but pale and blonde in the movie. The blonde hair was just rusty colored and fake looking. It would have been better to (gasp!) stray from the book a bit and leave them dark haired or, you know, just cast actual blonde actors. Kellan Lutz was cast as Emmett and was neither scene stealing nor offensive as such, and Jackson Rathbone has to be the most puzzling cast member to me- he is straight up weird looking and awkward throughout the whole film (luckily he only had a small amount of screen time). Alice (played by Ashley Greene) who I really loved in the novel is miscast as well, and comes off as very annoying (have I mentioned yet that none of these actors are beautiful as the Cullen’s were? I think i have). Billy Burke and Taylor Lautner both had redeeming roles as Charlie swan and Jacob Black. I really look forward to seeing Jacob’s character develop in the next movie, I thought he was great. Billy Burke had a few scenes with Kristen Stewart that were quite good, actually. He really made me feel bad for Charlie. The best casting choice was obviously that of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen. He is quite beautiful and easy to watch. I also loved the casting of Cam Gigandet as James. He was great and chiseled and beautiful and not in the movie anywhere near enough. That's what a vampire looks like, folks. Yum.

My main problem with the movie was the script. I’m sorry, I know they were going off of the book here, but it was harder for me to get into than the book was, and at times, I was bored. Bland lines spoken monotonely by Kristen and Robert failed to impress me or engulf me in their forbidden love. I wasn’t convinced at all that they were falling in love with each other. When she first tells him she loves him I just thought “Really? You don’t even know him” whereas in the book, I believe it. If a story is told well, it doesn’t matter how long the characters have known each other, I get involved in their lives together. I just really didn’t feel like these characters were developed well enough throughout the script, I didn’t feel like I knew them at all. The only reason I had any sense of who they are is because I’d read the book. (Side note: they should have had Robert wax his chest… vampires are chiseled and do not have chest hair, especially 17-year-old ones). I also felt like the first half of the movie was just shots of Bella’s face, then Edward’s face, then Bella’s face, then both faces together, then Edward’s face. I don’t know, the filming seemed choppy to me, the flying/running at the speed of light scenes were ridiculous, as I knew they would be because, well, flying is ridiculous. Many reviews I’ve read have commented on the cheesiness of those scenes but come on people, It’s fiction. How real can you be? Also, the special effects are the least of the movie’s issues. The lack of character development, camera shots, and choppiness of the film were much more annoying to me than how Edward looked when he “sparkled” (which actually, wasn't bad).

There were scenes I was fond of. The scene where the two are lying in the meadow, the scene in Edward’s bedroom (they got the Cullen’s house spot-on), the scene where Edward is in Bella's room and they kiss for the first time, the scene where they talk all night and he watches her sleep and she pulls herself closer to him and wraps her arms around him- I loved those scenes. Those scenes were the only scenes where I felt any chemistry at all between the two actors. Those scenes made me want them to be together. Aside from those scenes, there is no chemistry at all between the two actors, which can be witnessed perfectly in the interviews they've done together to promote the movie.

Overall it was the lack of character development, boring script, the jumps from monotone acting to extremely dramatic overacting, and the choppiness of filming that left me with a feeling of “meh, whatever” at the end of the movie. I actually left the movie shrugging my shoulders. Nothing particularly offended me, but certainly nothing dazzled me either. Fans of the book will LOVE this movie. People who haven’t read the books will leave the theater wondering what the big whoop is, which is sad to me because I really thought this was a good opportunity to get everyone to fall in love with their story. But what can I say when even I wasn’t convinced and I’ve read the books. Oh, and I must quickly add that it had as many cheesy lines as HSM3, at one point Edward even calls Bella his “spider monkey”, much like Gabriella calls Troy her “wildcat”. If you're debating whether or not you should see the movie, you definately should give yourself the chance to fall in love with a vampire. As for me, my heart and neck still belong to Angel. (If you don't know who that is, please do some "Buffy" research. He would kick Edward's butt!)

p.s. my pics from the midnight show will be posted at a later time.

the best things in life are free... well, sort of.

2008-11-19T08:42:00.000-08:00

the holidays are coming up, yay! for me, this means the following: days off of work, holiday shopping, time spent with family, time spent with friends, pumpkin cheesecake, christmas music, movies with the fam on thanksgiving and christmas, holiday smells (a la christmas tree, pumpkin, cinnamon), yummy food (i.e. turkey, my dad's smashed potatoes and gravy, mom's stuffing, pumpkin cookies, sugar cookies, gooey popcorn), late night board games, and looooots of photo ops. with all the crazy that is about to come up i just thought i'd take a few minutes to write down some of the simple moments that make life GRAND! so, here it is. feel free to add your own "yessssss" moments if you see fit.

1. laughing so hard your face hurts.
2. a hot shower in the morning.
3. no lines at target.
4. getting mail (ok, fine, i'll modernize it. getting E-mail/text messages).
5. long drives with good music.
6. having your favorite song come on while you're shopping in a store.
7. the sound rain makes when it falls.
8. warm laundry.
9. finding the shirt that you loved but couldn't afford is now half price... AND they have your size.
10. chocolate milk.
11. a phone call from a friend- without you asking them to "please return my call".
12. bubble baths in big bathtubs.
13. the beach.
14. finding a $20 bill in your hoodie from last winter.
15. laughing at yourself- even when no one else is.
16. phonecalls that wake you up in the middle of the night.
17. running through the sprinklers.
18. naps on the front lawn.
19. getting the giggles for no reason at all.
20. getting a sincere compliment.
21. inside jokes.
22. accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
23. waking up and realizing that you have a few hours left until your alarm clock goes off.
24. waking up thinking it's a monday when it's actually a sunday.
25. making new friends.
26. spending time with old friends.
27. puppies.
28. late night talks with your mother (or daughter).
29. having someone play with your hair.
30. a good dream.
31. road trips!
32. swinging at the park.
33. watching a good movie (bonus points if you're with someone you love while you watch).
34. wrapping presents.
35. song lyrics printed in the booklet of cds so you can learn all the words.
36. going to a really good concert (bonus points if you can make your way through the crowd to the front).
37. making eye contact with a cute guy you'll (probably) never see again.
38. baking.
39. a good hug (bonus points if it's from someone you have a crush on).
40. the expression on someone's face when you give them the gift you picked out for them.
41. sunrises/sunsets.
42. falling asleep with someone next to you.
43. fudgesicles.
44. disneyland.
45. getting off work early.
46. laying out.
47. a good haircut.
48. going for a run.
49. christmas lights.
50. babies (bonus points if you are a nuttall baby).
51. afternoon movies in your jammers.
52. pepsi from the fountain at 7-11.
53. tangy taffy.
54. hsm dance parties.
55. taking photos with friends.

song of the day.

2008-11-12T12:27:00.000-08:00

well, nothing else is happening in my life worth writing about so i am just going to keep recomending songs to listen to, because songs are what's getting me through the day these days.

song: "ender will save us all"
artist: dashboard confessional.
album: the swiss army romance.

It's just like you to contest,
you wear it like a label on your breast.
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.

The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong.
Try not to be wrong.

lame.

2008-11-10T15:23:00.000-08:00

so, this is kind of a lame post, but i'm doing it anyways. i have so much music, more music than it seems i could ever listen to in my lifetime, but somehow it works out that i listen to it all. but sometimes because i have so much, songs/albums just get lost in the shuffle of things. so lately i have been listening to my ipod (name: hubble, respectively) on shuffle just because i am bored of everything and can't make up my mind, and i came upon a song i hadn't listened to in a long while. it was really quite interesting because it is from an album that i absolutely love, and it was most definately my top 10 of 2004 but this song just took on a whole different meaning for me when i heard it yesterday. i don't know if it makes a difference that i had my headphones on, i know sometimes that makes me listen a bit closer, but the lyrics just seemed crazy good and perfect to me. so i'm gonna post them, along with a suggestion that you stop what you're doing and pay 99 cents to download this song from i-tunes. it is worth every penny, i promise you. if you really wanted to go all out, you could buy the whole cd, because that wouldn't disappoint either.
(side note: i realize these lyrics are from a male p.o.v... doesn't mean i am actually thinking of a girl when i hear them, i'm just able to relate to the person who is singing/writing.)

song: "cheers, darlin' "
artist: damien rice
album: "O"

cheers, darlin'
here's to you and your lover boy.
cheers, darlin'
i got years to wait around for you.
cheers, darlin'
i've got your wedding bells in my ear.
cheers, darlin'
you give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away.

and i die when you mention his name.
and i lied, i should have kissed you
when we were running in the rain.

what am i darlin'?
a whisper in your ear?
a piece of your cake? what am i, darlin?
the boy you can fear?
or your biggest mistake?

cheers, darlin'
here's to you and your lover man.
cheers, darlin'
i just hang around and eat from a can.
cheers, darlin'
i got a ribbon of green on my guitar.
cheers, darlin'
i got a beauty queen to sit not very far from here.

i die when he comes around
to take you home.
i'm too shy,
i should have kissed you when we were alone.

what am i, darlin'?
a whisper in your ear?
a piece of your cake?
what am i, darlin'?
the boy you can fear?
or your biggest mistake?

oh, what am i? what am i, darlin'?
i've got years to wait....

things which haven't been said.

2008-11-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

i have truly avoided writing blogs such as this one because i don't want to offend anyone, and i don't want to come off as sounding pompous or pious or judgemental, but i really and truly can't be silent anymore. it's not that i think that i have a supreme influence over people, because that is not the case. if my intentions were to influence then i would have written this a long time ago. i just feel that if people in my life are to know anything about who i am and what i believe, this is the perfect time to step out in defense of certain things. let me also preface this by saying that i love and appreciate everyone in my life, regardless of their beliefs or who they are voting for today. by coming out and making a statement i am not hoping to alienate any of my friends who believe differently than i do, it's quite the opposite. it's my hope that in times such as these we find strength in our differences and use them to bring us closer together, not further apart; and not only do i wish this for my personal relationships, but also for our nation as well. the truth is, things are about to get bad. they are about to get really bad. and if we use this election to break our people further apart then we will be in more trouble than anyone can imagine.

i have an odd feeling right now as i am getting ready to go vote, almost a feeling of despair. this is my first major election that i am able to vote in, and i am so excited. (there is a story that goes along with the 2004 election, which i waited in line for 2.5 hrs to be turned away, but that is a whole other blog entirely.) it's hard for me to put a label on what i am feeling right now... am i nervous? sad? scared? unaware? naiive? maybe i am everything. maybe i am nothing. i just know that i had a similar feeling a little over seven years ago, in september of 2001. yes, i am frightened, yes i am confused, yes i am worried. the future remains a mystery, as it always does, and the unknown is always what is most scary. it has always been a sort of "rule" for me to not discuss two things in my blogs: politics, and religion. i am breaking both of those rules today for the first, and hopefully last time.

i wonder who we are as a nation, as americans. i wonder what this election will say about us. it scares me to think that we aren't the "good guys" anymore. i want for us to succeed, for us to do good, for us to be right. i want my country to grow and prosper, and to become a place where i am not afraid to raise my children, a place where i am not afraid to raise myself. i want to be proud of where i live, proud of the people i live among. for the most part, these are silly dreams, wishes upon stars, childish hopes; but they are real, and in the coming years i will have to remind myself not to let go of them, because things are going to change.

"Yea, ye will lift him up...and because he speaketh flattering words unto you, and he saith that all is well, then ye will not find fault with him.
Yea, we see that...because he was a man of cunning device and a man of many flattering words, that he led away the hearts of many people...to destroy the foundation of liberty which God had granted unto them."

it is interesting to me the amounts of people, both known and unknown, people who are icons of our society, and people who live next door to us; who rely so much on the "change" that is to come. people who cling so much to this hope for a better tomorrow, people who believe that the change that is coming is a good one, one we need. it's true, there is a change coming, but it isn't necessarily going to be for the better, and for the most part it isn't the change that we imagine in our minds and wish for in our hearts. these are selfish motives of an evil man disguised by words like "hope", and "better", and "change", magical words that keep people from digging further and seeing what lies beneath. this is a book with a very appealing cover, a cover that promises all sorts of things for what lies within the pages of the book. it is such an enticing and amazing cover, in fact, that the majority of people haven't even opened the book yet, and so many of us don't know what is written on those pages inside. what amazes me is the amount of people who refuse to look, who refuse to see the writing written so boldly on the walls.

i know there are friends of mine out there who are voting differently than i in this election and i hope i haven't offended any of them. you are people who are important to me, and who are a valuable part of my life. please do not think that because i've said how i feel that anything between us has to change. there are lots of people in my mind and heart today. i am thinking of most everyone that i know. i won't take the time to list them personally, just know that if you are reading this, you are one of them. i wish the best for you and your families. you are all in my thoughts and prayers, and i care about you all.

please remember to vote. and once this is over, please remember to stay good, and stay happy. i also want to encourage everyone to take a moment at the end of today to write your thoughts about this election in your journal. i promise you that you will be greatful down the road when you have your thoughts to share with your children and grandchildren, and to remind yourself that you made it. this is history, guys, and we're a part of it. you are a part of it. don't forget that.

love,
gabrielle.

i'm getting psyched.

2008-10-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

guys, five weeks and my brother comes home!! five weeks and i will be spending seven days in the happiest place on earth. i can't wait. thinking about it makes me want to barf, but in a good way. kind of like the barfing that happens right before you get married (i'm assuming? idk from experience). so, because i am so psyched i am posting some extra spershall pics of disneyland that i have taken in the past. and some pics of me and my bro at d-land because i love him so.
keep in mind, these pics are from at least 2 yrs ago, i've changed alot... we all have.

me and my bruzzahs with stitch!!!

herloweeeeeen at disneyland!!

why does tigger always touch me inappropriately?

notice that we were the only ones on the coaster. that was also our fifth time on it.

mr. toad's wild ride.

i love this place.

waterfall by indiana jones ride.

my summer home.

just some weird /artsy view of the matterhorn.

me and stefan at carnation cafe. he looks like he loves having me hang around.

alice in wonderland.

2008-10-30T16:30:00.001-07:00

lert me just preface this post by saying that ever since i was a young buck i have wanted to work at disneyland. but not just any job, i wanted to be a character, one of the ones who gets to wear a wig and a dress and sign autographs and pose for pictures, one who has a line following her wherever she goes, and preferably one with a british accent, as that is my favorite accent to annoy people with. anyways, that fact may help you understand why there are a gazillion pictures too many of me dressed up as alice in wonderland. this is my favorite movie, and the movie in which i collect the most things from (i.e. books, posters, mini figurines, dolls, stuffed animals, blankets, etc.). being dressed up like this really made me want to work for disney again (although this time my dream can't include working as alice, as alice musn't be taller than 4'10") and it also made me want to go blonde again (i have issues). i also couldn't help the sudden urges i would get to sign an autograph, or courtsey for a photo. and don't think that the entire night i didn't say "shAUnt", and "cAUnt" instead of "can't", because i did. i also found myself using annoying phrases like "oh dear me". my 8-year-old self is jumping for joy.

when will i ever be dressed up so beautifully again? never, probably. not if i want to get married in this life anyways. so i pretty much went crazy with my camera. to move up the "nerd" meter one more notch, i shall include my favorite lines from the movie to go with each picture.

"if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. and contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? "

"you may have noticed that I'm not all there myself..."

"curiouser and curiouser...."

"well, when one's lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. but who'd ever think to look for me here?"

"oh, pooh. I'm not afraid of you. why, you're nothing but a pack of cards!"

Caterpillar: Who... are... you?

Alice: Why, I hardly know, sir. I've changed so much since this morning, you see...

Caterpillar: No, I do not C... explain yourself.

Alice: I'm afraid I can't explain myself, you see, because I'm not myself, you know.

Caterpillar: I do not know.

Alice: I can't put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn't clear to me.

"curiosity often leads to trouble..."

alice: "but I don't want to go among mad people!"

chesire cat: "oh, you can't help that, most everyone's mad here."

doorknob: "read the directions, and directly you will be directed in the right direction."

alice: "better read it first, for if one drinks much from a bottle marked "poison", it's almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later... oh well."

"it would be so nice if something would make sense for a change..."

"well, after this i shall think nothing of falling downstairs!"

"when i get home i shall write a book about this place... if i ever do get home..."

//-//-//-//-//-//-

some of my other favorites:

"of all the silly nonsense... this is the stupidest tea party I've ever been to in all my life!"

//-//-//-//-//-

king of hearts: "rule 42: all persons more than a mile high must leave the court immediately!"

alice: "I am not a mile high, and I'm not leaving."

Queen of Hearts: "Sorry. Rule 42, you know."

//-//-//-//-//-

March Hare: "why don't you start at the begining?"

Mad Hatter: "yes and when you reach the end... stop."

//-//-//-//-//-

"i'm tired of being only three inches high..."

//-//-//-//-//-

"i have an excellent idea... LETS CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"

//-//-//-//-//-

"ahoy, and other nautical expressions!"

//-//-//-//-//-

Tweedle Dum: "if you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay, you know."

Tweedle Dee: "contrarywise, if you think we're alive you ought to speak to us."

Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum: "that's logic."

//-//-//-//-//-

"oh yes mustard! that'll do... MUSTARD?! don't let's be silly. now lemon, that's different..."

//-//-//-//-//-

Mad Hatter: "ah thank goodness! those are the things that upset me!"

March Hare: "see all the trouble you started?"

Alice: "but I didn't think..."

March Hare: "ah, that's just it. if you don't think, then you shouldn't talk."

//-//-//-//-//-

"no wonder you're late. why, this watch is exactly two days slow."

//-//-//-//-//-

"in my world, the books would be nothing but pictures."

//-//-//-//-//-

"goodness. i suppose i'll be taking orders from dinah next."

//-//-//-//-//-

"we'll blow the thing there out, we'll smoke the monster out!"

//-//-//-//-//-

"sentence first! Verdict afterwards."

//-//-//-//-//-

Alice: "Oh, no, no. I was just wondering if you could help me find my way."

Cheshire Cat: "Well that depends on where you want to get to."

Alice: "Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as... "

Cheshire Cat: "Then it really doesn't matter which way you go!"

//-//-//-//-//-

i do hope my nerdiness entertained somebody,

gabrielle.

trunk or treat.

2008-10-30T16:12:00.001-07:00

it's become a little tradition that my surrogate children, the farnsworth's, come with me to trunk or treat. i have so much fun with them each year, plus if i bring them along it makes it a bit more ok for me to be dressing up at (gasp) 24. this year was super fun because my date was indiana jones, and summer is getting old enough now to where she is really like a friend to me instead of a child; i love that. even though meg isn't as old as summer, she talks like she's older which is what i love about her, because i was the same way. everytime i do something with these kids i am reminded of the love i have for them and also the unconditional love they have for me. i mean, it has to be love, right? otherwise why would they be seen with their former nanny dressed as a disney character? exactly.

bo peep (summer), indie (ike), alice, and cleopatra (meg).

sumdizzle, meggy, ike, me, connor (donald duck, love it), and austin.

me and c-rock!

meg did a great job taking this photo! me and summer and ike.

summer's photo skills were muy impressive because she was working with only one hand.

ike and i.

me and two of my primary kids from last year, morgan and madelyn. it was so fun to see everyone and to see the little kids' faces light up when they realized who i was. i can't believe how smart they all are.

me and gracie loo. i remember when this girl said my name the first time. if i think about it too hard, it will make me cry. i love her family though. there are two families that i will still babysit for, and hers is one of them.

jene and baby lilly. jene is gracie's mommy, and a very dear friend of mine. she is always so supportive of me, i love her.

me with peyton and chandler. these are also former primary children of mine.

me with bryson. this kid is a stud. he is one of my primary kids now and he was so cute when he found me. he ran up to me and hugged me so tight and said "I KNEW I WOULD FIND YOU!! I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER!!" he is a sweetheart. last sunday he insisted on sitting on my lap and playing with my hair and necklace all through closing excercises while i sat and sang songs of thanksgiving. who needs a boyfriend when you have boys like ike and bryson in your life? not this lady!

HSM3 at midnight.

2008-10-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

proving once again that i am not afraid of posting grossly unattractive pictures of myself, i have included some from the night me and a few of my ACE gang went to see HSM3 at midnight. you can tell the pictures that i am delirious in. i want you all to know that after waiting an hour i got so loopy that i did my shirley temple impression for the entire theater (and believe me, that's not one to be missed), and at one point, i may have confessed to wanting to marry tim curry circa 1987. god save the queen.

me and chanel.
chanel and me part duex.

well, there that is. that pretty much sums up the night, folks. she's ashamed, and i can't say i blame her.

malia and me.

malia, chan, me, syd, and muck. we are SSSEEEEEWWWWW KEWWWWWLLLLL.

fall... you know, like leaves FALL?!

2008-10-30T16:00:00.001-07:00

basically, these are just pictures of my new "darker" fall hair color. they are the kind of pictures that i post of myself that make my muti laugh at me on account of, as she says, "who takes pictures of themselves like that?!" (aparently, me, though i'm not sure why). so, these are for you, d.w. view them, let them sink in, enjoy them.

three of life's great annoyances.

2008-10-29T15:46:00.001-07:00

i know most of you are thinking that a great annoyance is the fact that this is my third post today, but i can't help it. i have one more thing to say. i made a favorites list, so i thought just to balance things out, i'd make a list of things that are so NOT my favorites. it's a short list, but an important one. here it goes...

1. halloween parties that are not on halloween... ESPECIALLY when halloween falls on a friday.

2. the fact that boys are so un-emotional. they are missing a very LARGE CHIP that tells you to like, be a human. i can't even tell you how annoyed i am by this text, from a male: "sorry". uh, that's it. no capitalization, no puncuation, no "i'm" in front of it, just one word, "sorry". ANNOYING. another one i hate to no end... "yup", again, no punctuation, capitalization, it's not even "yes" or "ya", it's just "yup". in the words of stephanie tanner, "HOW RUUUUUUUUDE!"

ok, seriously, honest to blog i forgot the third thing already. heaven help me. and it was way worse than the other two. what is happening to me? how does a person forget something so crucial?! hells bells. one thing i love more than anything right now, though, is the fact that i am FINE. did you know that? i am fine. there are so many people that have been in and out of my life in the past few years/months/weeks and some of them i thought were great losses and some of them i thought "BFD". but you know what? they all turned out to be BFDs. i was so scared to start sticking up for myself b/c i was afraid i was going to lose people who are important to me but it turns out i just got rid of the people who didn't deserve to be in my life in the first place. though the decisions have been hard, and it's true i have missed some of the people, i find myself having to deal with alot less crap than before, and quite frankly, i feel alot better about myself. i love how some people think that they can treat me a certain way and i'll just take the crap and apologize for doing nothing all because i supposedly "need" these people in my life. but i don't "need" anyone like that. sure, a diminishing friend list has its downfalls (i.e. no big halloween party to attend), but even if i had ABSOLUTELY NO FRIENDS AT ALL (which, i need to add is far from the case) i would still have my family. and there's no shame in that, in fact there is great joy in that for me. nothing makes me happier than my family. and guess what? forget the halloween parties that all those other squares are attending, because i'm having my own. and i am making homemade donuts and putting on a play (wicked) and playing games and watching scary movies, all while dressed up in my halloween costume. so there.

p.s. stefan comes home in FIVE WEEKS. sukkkkkas!!

ABC's

2008-10-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

i will try my very best to give only one answer for each letter. i've never been very conservative, so i'm guessing i won't get far with that goal.

A-Attached or Single: single.
B-Best Friend: my mom. but my current ACE gang is: malia, chanel, and leslie. plus honorary ACE gang members: samantha, sandee, and lucia.
C-Cake or Pie: cake. usually cupcakes.
D-Day: thursday.
E-Essential Item: chap stick. and evian. dang, i am doing HORRIBLY at the one answer business.
F-Favorite Color: in general? green. to wear? navy blue.
G-Gummi bears or gummi worms: bears. they are my fave.
H-Hometown: mesa ,az. i need to leave.
I-Indulgences: psssssshhhhh, my entire life is an indulgence! but specifically music, makeup, and movies. and accesories.
J-January or July: january.
K-Kids: the farnsworths (cole, summer, meg, ike), the nuttalls (malleri, merissa, ella, lucy, sawyer), and the huyters (lewis, emma, madelyn, grace, lilly, and unnamed, unborn baby). none of my own yet.
L-Life is incomplete without: my mom. my entire family, really.
M-Marriage Date: well, if i knew that i would feel alot better about things, i am sure. i have a feeling i will get married in the after life.
N-Number of Siblings: 2 (brothers).
O-Oranges or Apples: oranges.
P-Phobias or Fears: losing a tooth!! being clingy or needy. being dependent on someone else. eating hair. getting sand in my eye.
Q-Quote: well, there are quite a few on my blog already. but i'm sure i have more. "make the decision to be someone, not something."
R-Reason to Smile: random text messages. concerts. the jonas brothers youtube videos.
S-Season: winter.
T-Tag: no one reads this so no one gets tagged. if you read it, i tag you. you win.
U-Unknown fact about me: i am extremely gifted at knowing useless facts about people, places, and things. like trivia. i always win.
V-Vacation destination of choice: disneyland. always and forever.
W-Worst Habit: appearing too needy when i really am not.
X-X-Rays or Ultrasounds: what? clearly whoever made this survey did not know any other words that started with "X" besides "x-ray". why not "xylophone or digereedoo"? ok fine... xrays. i have bad experiences with ultrasounds.
Y-your favorite food: that was a big stretch for a "y" word. american, all the way. chicken fingers, baked potatoes, hamburgers, french fries, salad, jello. stuff like that.
Z-Zodiac Sign: really? aries. but i am re-writing this one. my "Z" is "zoo animal i would choose to be": and the answer is..... llama. because it rhymes with "pajama", "mama", and "bahama". and they have silly necks.

"Bet On It" vs. "Scream"

2008-10-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

in HSM there was "Get'cha Head In the Game". In HSM2, it was "Bet On It", which was, by far, my favorite scene and song from the movie. In HSM3 it's "Scream" that takes the cake. These are all of Troy's (aka Zac Efron) "monologues", which of course are done in sing-song (aren't musicals the best?!). Though "Bet On It" has been my fave for the past year, HSM3 definately did deliver with "Scream", though i can't say for sure which song is my favorite yet. I go back and forth... sometimes i think the filming of "Scream" is better, and of course it would be with the bigger budget. But i just don't know if anything can top the pixie-like leaping and frolicking through the golf course that Zac delivers so well. I mean, how many guys could prance along the grass with such grace and still be so darn cool and good looking? For gazelles it may be easy, but for humans, it is quite the challenge. So I've posted both videos, neither of them HQ(give me a break here, they are from youtube), so I can weigh the pros and cons and make an educated decision on which is the better "monologue". Let's face it, the real reason i posted these has little to do with finding out which is better, and everything to do with the fact that i have a hard time getting through the ten hour work day, and a little Zefron makes it a tiny bit easier. I just didn't want to have to search youtube each time. I'm lazy, so sue me.

"Bet On It"

"Scream"

any thoughts?

2008-10-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a pretty good day. i got my halloween costume in the mail, and it is gorgeous. at first i was feeling total buyer's remorse for spending so much on a costume, what with the economy being horrible like it is right now, but when i put it on last night, i couldn't help but fall in love. believe me, i will be wearing the costume long after halloween is over. it is perfect.

i also found, after two weeks of searching, the W magazine with angelina jolie on the cover. i don't like W magazine normally, it's really not my cup of tea as far as magazines go, but she is stunning, and she is such an amazing woman, so obviously i had to see the pictures and have my very own copy of the mag. inside is a thirty-something page layout all of photos shot by brad pitt (maybe you've heard of him?) and a small article attached. she is so graceful and so kind and truly, when the woman speaks i am like "HOLY CROW" because she is just so articulate and amazing. i want to be like her when i grow up.... wake up, feed the kids, give to charity, put babies down for naps, adopt babies who need homes from thrid world coutries, make out with beautiful husband who likes my body better with stretch marks from giving birth, play with adorable kids at the chateau, build a school for children in africa, make out with gorgeous husband, make dinner, give kids baths, put kids to bed, watch a little project runway on tivo, make out with most beautiful man alive, fall asleep with most beautiful man alive, get woken up two hours later by beautiful babies. sounds perfect.

also lately i have been on this old movie kick and i have been watching all these old timer movies. i watch at least one a day (after my chores and excercise are complete, thankyouverymuch). my favorites so far have been chinatown, heaven can wait, and bonnie and clyde, but only because warren beatty was such a hunkasaurus. i just finished breakfast at tiffany's last night and i have to say, it was not what i expected AT ALL. it is quite possibly the most depressing movie i have ever seen. sheesh, talk about a downer. the next movies on my netflix queue are: valley of the dolls, splendor in the grass, and reds. it's ridiculous how excited i am to watch them this weekend. it's also ridiculous how excited i am for...
the midnight showing of hsm3 which i am going to tonight. you know, i feel a sudden urge to defend myself for being such a weiner and having no life, but i do have a life, and it's a pretty good one, so i'm not gonna apologize for that.

WHY?

2008-10-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

this should never be allowed...

yummy.

2008-10-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

i have to say, i am obsessed with these babies. i only see them about once a week, but when i'm not with them, i think about them. they are so delicious and beautiful and i love them so much. it's weird to me that i can love someone so much that i don't even know yet. when i hold them i just want to squeeze them (don't worry, i won't) because they are so precious!! it reminds me of that part on juno when juno runs out of the abortion clinic and the little asian girl who is petitioning outside yells out: "GOD APPRECIATES YOUR MIRACLE!!" (haha oh dear). seriously it sounds so cheesy but babies are so crazy perfect, they are like mini miracles. it's crazy to think that BOTH of these humans were in nichole's stomach a month ago. WOW! what a woman!!

connor holding baby lucy.

baby lucy...

me and baby lucy. she looks more upset than she really is... i actually think that's her happy face.
me and lulu again.
this is me contemplating kidnapping. seriously, that is the most beautiful baby ever.
this is sawyer!! he is the little man of the house! i can't believe he is actually a boy! i can't wait until he starts making airplane noises and playing cars and wearing little swim trunks in the summer!! and boy underwear!! that is the cutest thing ever.
me and soy toy part 2.

he is the most astute baby. he is like a professor, seriously. hahaha i love him.
check out how concernicus he is in this picture. please note that i am not holding him, connor is. so, i can't be blamed for the obvious look of total confusiosity that is on his face.
me and ella bella. she has the best personality, seriously. she is such a good big sister and she is so fun to talk to!! she has so many ideas and stories, i love listening to her. plus her voice is the sweetest sounding thing of all time.
ethan and lucy.

perfection.

so beautiful, so lucky.
little lulu.
look at those lips... perfection!
well, i'm not going to lie and say that i didn't set this one up, but look how good ella takes direction! she is such a loving big sister. she is such a sweetheart.
she took of lucy's blanket because she wanted me to be able to see her cute little feet!! and what perfect addendums they are!!

i love my family so much, each and every one of them. sometimes, if i let myself, i can become completely consumed by the love i have for them. they are each so amazing in their own way, and an example to me of so many different things. there are times when i think that my family is so weird, that no one else possibly deals with the weirdness that we deal with, but i've never wished that i was anywhere but right where i am. i know i belong here, with these people, and i know this is where my story starts. i know i get my inspiration and encouragement from these people, i know these are the people who will show up for me, who will defend me, who will love me. i know that the people in my family are the people who've known me the longest, the people who've grown up with me, the people who saw me through my awkward stage (ok, fine... awkward stageS!) and still love me. none of us are perfect, but we fit perfectly together; through the disagreements and the annoyances, the births and the deaths, the good times, the not so good times, the bad times, the worse times, and the amazing times. i love them and i'm glad i'm one of them because if i wasn't, i'd hate them all for being so freaking good looking.

things i am excited for, part one.

2008-10-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

ok, guys. this is not my original hope for my "excited" blog, but i am doing the best i can with my resources (i.e. i STILL don't have my own laptop, which means i am operating on my work computer OR my family's desktop which is run by demons) so just bare with me. i really had wanted to have picturesto go with this, but too bad so sad for me. that's just life. so here is my boring, low quality blog about what i am most excited for in the upcoming fall/winter season.

1. fall/winter '08 collections from the following: chanel, marc jacobs, chloe... really the list goes on. but fall fashion is my favorite of all the fashion seasons. i love fall makeup, the deep greens and plums and golds and then winter makeup with rosy red cheeks and black and silver eyes. deep reds, purples, greens and golds are my favorite as far as clothes go. it's always so fun to see the new bags that come out for the season (marc jacobs kills me every year). if i was a money saver, this is what i would save all my money for: FALL FASHIONS!

2. these sunglasses. they will be worn by me... soon.

3. fall music!! ahhhhh new albums from ben folds, rachael yamagata, and jenny lewis already have my ear drums buzzin', but over the course of the next, oh.... eight weeks or so there are going to be so many amazing things coming out. ones that i am most excited for and have marked in my harry potter day planner are: copeland, ingrid michaelson (both 10/14), brett dennen (10/21), lovedrug and snow patrol (10/28), david archuleta (11/11), david cook (11/18), the killers (11/25), and britney spears (12/2). the one i am the most excited for, however, is kanye west's new cd, titled "808's and Heartbreak". the new single, "love lockdown", is one of my current obsessions and his new cd is going to be so so amazing. i have never really been a fan of his in the past, but i am now. this cd is going to be totally different for him and i cannot wait. the release date has been moved up to november, but no set date has been released.

4. lame teen movies... high school musical 3 and twilight. i know... suuuuuper lame. but i just can't abandon my 13 year old self, she's lonely enough already. i cannot forsake her.

5. my netflix queue. it is filled with old movies. every single movie is from the olden days of yore. there are a few 80's movies in there, but it's mostly 60's and 70's with scattered showers of the 50's. really, i am obsessed with the 60's right now... fashion, actors, movies, the whole burro. i have been watching old movies like bonnie and clyde, one flew over the cukoo's nest, shampoo, some like it hot... i am developing MAJOR crushes on these actors!! hello, warren beatty, paul newman, robert redford, jack nicholson... HOW were these men so good looking? and HOW did they all turn out to be so wrinkly? yipes!! (i know, gravity... blah blah) and the leading ladies of that era?! julie christie, goldie hawn, faye dunaway, even barabra streisand! so beautiful. i am going to start wearing fake eyelashes everyday so i can create that "mod" look. hardy har, we all know that won't happen in this lifetime.

6. STEFAN COMES HOME!! yes, it has been two years, and NO it has not been fast. i've missed him and it's been too long. he comes home december third and the following week we take our christmas disneyland trip, which really is number 7 of what i am excited for. they make it snow in the park! ive only seen snowfall like twice in my life. fake snow or not, snowflakes are snowflakes in my book.

8. fall movies. this is the time of year where oscar buzz is created and i'm already buzzing about movies I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN! i am specifically excited for these three movies in particular, so i've put the trailers up for you to watch. go ahead and watch them over and over. that's what i do.

revolutionary road.
directed by: sam mendes.
starring: leonardo di caprio, kate winslet.
composer: thomas newman.

*this trailer is the best trailer i have seen in a long time. the editor deserves an oscar for making this movie look so fantastical. good editing along with the song that is playing in the background PLUS the acting is amazing... job well done for everyone. gold stars and high fives all around.

changeling.

directed by: clint eastwood.

starring: angelina jolie, john malkovich.

composer: clint eastwood.

the curious case of benjamin button.

directed by: david fincher.

starring: brad pitt, cate blanchett, tilda swinton, julia ormond.

composer: alexandre desplat.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

2008-10-09T10:32:00.000-07:00

the other day while browsing through barnes and noble (you know how dangerous that store is for me), i found a gem in the 50% off dvd bin. this movie was my favorite as a kid, it came out in 1993 amidst the turmoil of my third grade year. i have a few distinct memories that come from my old house on ingram street, but one of the more vivid ones includes me watching UNTAMED HEART in my front room with my grandparents and my mom and being SO EMBARASSED that i was crying that i got up, went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet (the lid was down, don't worry), and started bawling my head off. i cried so hard that i needed toilet paper (for my nose) and i just remember thinking OUTLOUD "WHY?!" it's probably been about ten years since i've seen this movie, i don't know how i ever went so long, heavens knows i'll never go that long again, but i watched it last night and i cried so terribly hard, just as hard as i did the first (second, third, fourth) time, the difference now is that i was in the privacy of my own room to bawl at will. i cried during the movie, even before the end because i knew what was coming. seeing the movie reminded me how much i used to be absolutely in LOVE with christian slater. i loved him SO MUCH, in fact that when my aunt marcia was pregnant and my uncle david asked me what names i like, i said "christian for a boy". that was also in 1993 (guess what? they named him christiaan, but i don't think it was for the same reason that i chose the name). i also can't believe how i remembered freaking every line in the movie. what's weird about that is i never actually OWNED the movie growing up, i just RENTED it so often that i knew all the lines (how's that for dedication? dedication or obsession, i'm not sure?) anyways, after watching it last night, i know for certain that it is my absolute favorite movie of all time. it's one of those movies that my aunt jennie would tell me that she won't watch just because it's so sad. but i don't care. sometimes i like to be sad and cry for reasons that have nothing to do with my life, so sue me.

i had intended to write a blog about my favorite things, but i can't right now. i'm too tired and i want to nap. i owe my brother lunch for cleaning the cat boxes for me (hehe bribe central... peter piper rules all) so i have to get that done. perhaps later tonight i will blog about my current obsessions... the hills NOT included, y'all.

my current obsession.

2008-08-29T08:01:00.001-07:00

i tend to be pretty quiet about my obsessions. alright, that's a lie, i know that practically everyone knows-EVERYONE knows- that i am obsessed with the jonas brothers. really, there are some obsessions that i keep on the D.L. for example, my obsession with THE HILLS. i know that there is this whole theory about the show not actually being reality t.v. but real or fake, i don't care... i love it. who doesn't want to watch pretty people (sans heidi and spencer) dress in designer clothes and worry about "important" things like, who will be at le deux tonight? you know, i have enough real things to worry about in my own life (i.e. money, schedules, jobs, time, age difference...) so sue me if i like taking a break for a half hour every monday (ok fine... for a four hour marathon) to watch other people's lives (let me clarify... other beautiful people's lives). seriously i am so entertained by whitney the question-asker, and the ridiculousness that is known as justin bobby, and how fun it is to hate spencer and heidi. and how cute are lauren and brody?! why don't they just get together already? come on!! they make the best couple and he is totally in love with her, it is the cutest thing ever. if my world were perfect, johnny depp and winona ryder would still be together, justin and britney would have never broken up, and LC and brody would just get together already! i know this show is nonsensical and the fact that i watch it may give me some minus points in certain people's books. normally i would care about losing life points, but in this case i'm willing to take one for the team (besides i have like a brazillian points so what's losing a few?)

i have included (for my benefit more than yours) some of my favorite brody/lauren moments. or, as i call them, "BRO-REN" moments (don't laugh, you know you love it).

ah, broren in vegas for brody's bday. (don't be concerned, brody isn't wearing a glove, it's just like this post-cast business that he had to wear after lauren broke his finger.) cutest exchange between the two in the episode...
B: "where's my birthday present?"
L: "i already gave you a present!"
B: "ok, fine. where's my birthday kiss?"
L: "do you want a birthday kiss?"
(insert "give-me-a-frigging-break" look here)

funniest line goes to lauren when she whispers in brody's ear "i just saw Lo's 'Britney'!!"

this episode airs after the one in vegas. lauren goes out on a date with some poor shmuck who suuuuuuucks and she ends up at home early. brody calls her to see how the date went and of course she is all like "ummm... it was fine... no sparks" and then he's like "yeah... he didn't seem like your type... what are you gonna do now?"
L: "ummmm... probably just watch a movie or something, i don't know"
B: "not by yourself?"
L: "why not?"
B: "because i'm not gonna let someone i care about sit alone after a bad date and watch a movie by themselves. i'll come over."
L: "you wanna watch with me?"
B: "what movie are you gonna watch?"
L: "does it really matter?"
B: (laughs) "guess not."

ok, well i don't know what this is from but it is just so disgustingly cute i had to include it. do you see the way he is looking at her? come on! TRUE LOVE! this season is going to be so good, i am so lamely excited for it. what's going to happen?! aaaahhhh!! no one knows! i will leave you with the words of the ever-so-intellectual justin bobby: "truth and time.... tells all".

waiters and spiders.

2008-08-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

shananagins in my life often come in the form of waiters. just ask anyone who has ever gone out to dinner with me. it is usually the worst with kenny and i, we seem to always get the weirdest of the weird. but last night was one for the books. samantha and i went to the cheesecake factory, and the rest, well... here it is.
i don't remember the poor guy's name, but it started off badly when he had to write down our drink order. sam was like "he isn't going to last a second at this table, he just had to write down our drink order for two waters". then he starts to tell us about the soup of the day for tuesday which is cream of mushroom. but he is giving this speech (the "tuesday cream of mushroom" speech) and he starts mumbling about how tuesdays are his favorite day b/c it's mushroom soup day or something? all i could really decipher was the word "tuesday" which he said about nine times in 23 seconds. he just started rapid firing the word "tuesday". bewildered, i was. his next favorite word was "navigate" which i could tell he thought he was so clever for using. example: "you two ladies need help navigating the menu?" or "can i assist you in some navigation of the menu", etc. at this point, sam and i are aware that our dinner experience is just going to be straight up nonsense. let me also inform you that the table behind us is discussing politics, the classic obama v. mccain duel. they are of course sorely misinformed on every topic and loud as all get out. the table in front of us is discussing filet mignon and their friend amanda, who thought filet mignon was fish! you can imagine how silly amanda is in person, can't you? there have been three birthday songs, and you know how those get me going on the worst rampage. amidst the circus, our waiter walks by with a piece of cheesecake and stops by our table and holds it in front of our faces. he crosses his legs, leans on the pillar and says "white chocolate raspberry cheesecake... our number two most requested cheesecake. just wanted to let you ladies see what you're missing so you can save room for dessert" and walks away. i wanted to die, really. are you kidding me? i couldn't even look at samantha during this fiasco. don't taunt me with another man's dessert!! when we're done eating, he packs sam's cheese pizza into a nice to-go box and then he comes back with it, and does the crossy-legs, lean-on-the pillar business and has the bag in one hand and he tries to pull out the menu and flip to the dessert page with his other hand, just one hand. so he is like, leaning and using his left hand to open this menu/book ordeal and his hand is totally twisted into this claw affair and i'm just thinking "just set down the bag!" then he gives us this speech "you know, here at cheesecake factory, we're famous, and rightly so, for one thing... and that's cheesecake" i cut him off here bc i really couldnt handle anymore at that point so i just tell him our order. we did not, much to his dismay, go with the second most requested cheesecake, we decide on the brownie sundae. i tell the wiater this and he's like "the brownie sundae cheesecake?" and i'm like "no, just the godiva brownie sundae" and he's like "the godiva brownie sundae cheesecake?" and i'm like "no, 'tis not a cheeesecake, my firend, just the regular dessert" (which he could not fathom by the way). so he brings us our dessert and sets it between the two of us and spins it all the way around- a complete 180 (or 360, i'm not really sure) just so we can get a good look at the brilliant craftsmanship of the sundae. then he proceeds to watch us take the first bite, like his face is like level with our table. i'm like "you're dismissed, thank you." then he does one of those "how is everything looking, you guys sure know how to pack away the desserts... har har har, sigh" i don't know who told waiters that it is flattering to girls to tell them how impressed they are with how much we can eat, but they were sorely misinformed. don't get me wrong, i like to impress the males, but not with my dessert eating skills.
i don't know if any of this comes across as funny or ridiculous as it was in person, but it was a straight up, classic waiter fiasco. oh, i also hope i didn't come across as rude or beastly, as i am neither. you just have to understand the situation and know that there was no way we could have taken him seriously.
the best part of the night was perhaps when samantha was attacked by a spider. it all started when we were outside her house and walking to my car and there was this huge spidey on her light pole and she was like "please come and observe the hugest spider you've ever seen" and i was like "you better kill that b/c once it is done with that pole, it is headed straight for your room and it's gonna lay eggs on your face". seriously it was a pregnant spider b/c she had like this huge bulb on her butt and i'm telling sam, that is where she holds the babies. sam decides to spare spidey's life but when i unlock my car door and my lights come on, they highlight this string of silver right in front of sams face and i am like... what the? so i'm about to tell her to step back just as she feels something on her and starts rubbing her face frantically and i am like "you just stepped into a string of spider web" and i am pretty sure that mistress spidey heard us plotting her demise, and being insanely unbalanced like she is, she shot a web out at us. i mean, clearly she knew what she was doing. i have to say, i would have done the same thing had i heard two girls plotting not only my death, but also the death of my loved ones (i.e. the baby eggs on her bulb). when i talked to sam today she said that she checked her entire body last night for spiders. is that like, instant karma for laughing at our waiter? i hope not. i don't really feel like spending my wednesday looking around for spiders droppin' eggs on me. that would really put a hitch in my giddyup.